As I returned to my moms , it was a new house , new boyfriend, a new school , new place and farther from my family . There was no place to sleep so my mom got me a little folding couch the ones they made for kids to sleep on , she had me read a child called it . Her words are “ your life could be worse “ and she was right my life wasn’t as hard as that boys . Then the fighting started between my mom and this guy , fist fights , screaming hiding . I wanted my life to go back to normal . I wanted it to end . So I went to the bathroom and knew if I took a bunch of random medicine in the cabinet maybe it would end finally . Maybe the nightmares would finally stop . Maybe I wouldn’t remember his name or his smell or how his breathing tremored , the way his voice echoed in my ears when is slept . So I took snuck to the bathroom and took 20 Tylenol for the pain and half a bottle of allergy medicine. Before I knew it I was in the back of the ambulance with IVs . I remember the taste of the charcoal when they pumped my stomach . I remember my favorite uncle sitting at my bedside telling me he’s supposed to die before me , he can’t live life without me. He helped raise me . He wasn’t just my uncle he was the only father I had , the big brother who would have protected me . Those words to this day still keep me fighting , they keep me strong they sting every time I feel like life’s ending . I don’t remember the ride to the psychiatric hospital. I remember sleeping on cold floor with just a mat , some girl screaming in a straight jacket and then they gave her a shot in the arm . All I could think was what the hell is this place ? I am not like that I don’t belong here ! As the days passed I can still remember visits with my grandma , I can remember she brought me a carebear to sleep with but I wasn’t allowed to have it . I can remember the smell of my teen spurt deodorant and how everything I did was monitored . I remember counseling and going to school in the hospital with other kids . I remember calling my mom before lights out and yelling her to take me home . She would tell me it wasn’t her choice anymore . I was a danger to myself and to everyone else . I was blacking out and getting into fights with my mom so bad all I could remember was laying in her lap afterwards and having apple juice . I remember my very last therapy session in the hospital and promised not to try that again . I would have said anything just to go home . With medication that was fit for an adult that made me a zombie , I took it and went home . I didn’t know what home was . I had no clue my mom put alarms on my doors , I had no clue she got engaged or moved in with a new guy . All I knew was I was tired and had to keep my cool . So once again , a new guy , new house , new neighborhood , new school . The new school wasn’t terrible . I made friends pretty easy . But I always had to hide who I really was … or the version of me I was supposed to hide . I hardly remember my teachers I went through so many , I recall my mom telling us that we were moving AGAIN ! This time it was out of state . This time it was Virginia.
About the Creator
KelseaMarie Hamilton
I am a mother , a wife , I am a survivor of many things here to share my story with the world to those who need it .
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This was only the beginning
I blocked out my childhood for as long as I can remember then little things started to hit me like a freight train it came fast and god it hit harder then I ever expected . I remember living with my mom , my uncle he’s my favorite! There was movies and games and laughter and fun , I remember living with my grandma who taught me to shop until I dropped which didn’t take long as a child . I remember moving and it was my mom , me and I had my grandpa , my great uncle and someone my mom worked with plus my brothers and sister . My mom was a paramedic before she got too sick . She worked crazy hours so having so many people in a home to help with 4 crazy kids was always nice . When mom wasn’t there though it wasn’t nice . It was doing squats with stinking sweaty boots on a rolling pin , it was boot camp because we were too loud , it was late nights sitting on the floor with my great uncle and my two younger brothers while everyone else slept and watching porn and rubbing his nasty feed ! It was smacks across the face and name calling . But I finally had enough . One night I planned with my brother ( who’s 2 maybe 3 years younger then me ) to go to school and finally report to our school what was really going on ! How we just wanted Mark gone . Little did we know that would be our last time for a while home with our mom . CPS removed my brother and I we went to live with our dads ( we have different fathers ) I remember that car ride. I was so confused ! Why was I being taken ? Why didn’t our plan work ? Did mom choose him ? I remember telling myself I’ll never tell again . After that it seems to just blur . I remember living with my father ( if you can call him that ) his then wife , her 2 mean as hell sons and her niece and nephew . They all had finished rooms , they all ate together like a happy family . Me ? I sat in front of a tv alone . I had a room , with nails sticking out of the floor because Todd never had time to fix it , see he had his own business and he was a volunteer firefighter. Todd he has a temper . I remember borrowing something from a student and Todd punched a big hole into the wall next to my face . I remember I wanted to go to the book fair and my grandma give Todd the money for it . He wouldn’t give me it so I tried to steal a Judy b jones book . Not only did Todd beat my ass , he threw a plastic kitchen toy set that was my baby sisters at my face . I remember his evil wife used to feed me baloney and plain chip sandwiches for lunch while everyone else had fast food or Mac and cheese . I remember her throwing out all my valentines stuff from school , I snuck it out of the trash and hid in on a whole in my closet . But I mostly remember the nephew. I remember his body wash and the way his breathing was and the way his hands covered my mouth as he shoved his penis in me . This happened for years as Todd slept across the hall . I was all of 6 years old and 9 years old when it finally ended and I knew more about sex then what happiness was . I remember telling my mom and she confronted Todd in a restaurant and the belt to the fan breaking I ran out of there with my pants around my ankles I was so scared of Todd I lied I told him it was the boys . I don’t why I just knew I was scared and wanted it to stop . I remember not wanting to keep having this conversation and admitting I lied about the whole thing . I didn’t wanna not see my family anymore . I was supposed to go to New Mexico with my grandma I didn’t want to risk it . I remember going to NM with my grandma and that trip was a mess , my cousins who were being adopted were with us we used our game boys as phones , we played in the camper the whole trip . My boy cousin who was a few years younger then me had the weakest stomach . Every time someone farted he threw up 😂 he’s out grown it now . I remember taking a shopping trip with my gram and telling her everything , she called my mom and when I came to visit my mom we talked she told me I had to tell Todd ! He was listening to my call he was so mad he threw the house phone at me , threw me into his truck in my pjs and a coat and boots and then we drove . He told me he hated me , he was removing his tattoo he had for me , he would be taking his name off my birth certificate and I was as good as dead to him . My mom had no clue where I was for 2 weeks I was at Todd’s moms house . CPS got involved AGAIN. The cops . My mom got home back BUT I was never the same . Long nights of screaming , attempted suicide , ended up in the psych hospital , black outs from rage , broke my moms ribs , dislocated her nose , broke her wrist , fist fulls of hair I was out of control. I wanted my dad to love me . What did I do wrong ? I didn’t ask for him to do that. I should have just kept my mouth shut .
By KelseaMarie Hamilton4 years ago in Psyche
I Didn’t Realize I Was Ruining My Own Life Until It Was Almost Too Late
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