There's a Monster Living Inside of me Named Anxiety.

I’m sitting in my empty bedroom. Moving is a hard thing, a big step, especially when you’re moving out on your own. I didn’t think I’d be ready at 20 but it feels right at this point. The freedom involved with living alone is almost high-inducing. Never really experiencing true freedom my entire life, I was excited about this new step, this new thing I got to experience. The thing which everyone else gets to experience and now finally, my time has come.

Realizing I’ve been sitting on the floor for way too long, I let out a big breath, took one last look around the room that has been my life for as long as I can remember, and started to stand up. It wasn’t until I was on my way out that I noticed it sitting in the corner. Not sure what it could be since my room was empty, a black mass was staring at me from where my desk used to be. I tried to glance over and see what was there but just as soon as it appeared, it was gone. Lost in time with my memory being the only place it lives on, I felt uneasy thinking about what I just saw. Questions filled my mind wondering what it was and why I felt the way I did, all I could do was just that. Wonder. Let the thought plague my mind until its time was up. I quickly turn my focus toward the door, flip the light switch and for one final time, close my door. Leaving all the distant memories behind until the next time I come to see what was once my room.

“Is everything alright, hon?” My mom asked.

It startled me as everyone was so quiet at dinner, the only sound being the clinking of silverware on the ceramic plates. My leg restless under the table didn’t help my case either, I’m sure.

“Yeah,” I responded with a tone that gave off a sense of uncertainty. You didn’t have to be a detective to notice that something was bothering me, as I was off.

“Okay, well you know that even though you’re moving out, your father and I are always just a call away,” she said with a smile. Although I swear if you looked close enough I’m sure you could see her eyes start to water up.

It’s understandable. I mean, her oldest son is moving out. Sure I was the trial run to make sure they could get it right for my three other siblings but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care anymore. I’d be upset too, but that wasn’t going to change anything would it? I respond with a short, but meaningful, “Thank you, mom. I love you.”

I meant it. My family means the world to me. No one else has been there with me through the ups and downs that come with life. From my first nightmare to my first breakup, they were right there with me even if it didn’t seem like it. I guess it isn’t until now that I realize that. I took their love for granted and I don’t know how to feel about that. Should I be upset with myself? Sad? Should I hate myself for how I treated them in tough times? Or should I simply not care? Lately, my emotions have been so out of place that I don’t know what I’m feeling half of the time. Either I’m happy or I’m sad and there seems to be no in between.

It was around 8:30 pm when we finished dinner and wrapped up any conversations we were having. Now was my time. It was my time to walk out of the place I’ve called home since I was born and start over again. We said our goodbyes and it wasn’t until I was halfway out the door that I saw it again. The dark mass that once took hold of the corner of my room had now moved to my living room. The place where we would stay up late watching movies, the place we would all get together and enjoy each other's presence on a birthday, the place we would open presents so joyfully on Christmas morning. It had moved to a place where all I had were precious memories of years past and took control, slowly inching its way closer as time passed. It moved so slowly yet so quickly as I bring my mom and dad in for a hug. We said our final goodbyes and then I was out the door in the freezing December air, moving towards my car. Moving towards my future as an adult, knowing that after all that happened if I were to turn back I’d want to go inside and never leave. How could my perspective change so fast? Hours earlier I couldn’t have been more excited to have my place, to finally be out on my own. Yet, here I am full of uncertainty and regret.

I can’t turn back now though, I’m in too deep. All I can do is drive to my new home and understand that it's just that. My new home. A place where I can create new memories. Stay up late and watch my own movies, have my own parties, put up my own Christmas tree. I couldn’t tell if these thoughts were calming me or if I was just so tired that nothing else really mattered. It was a short distance to my new house, only 10 minutes through the city, but the snow and ice made it a much longer drive. The darkness of the night brought back fears of when I was a kid, sitting in my room thinking there was a monster under my bed. All that fear just to have my parents explain to me that monsters didn’t exist. Monsters are just things that people have come up with to scare people. Still to this day though, the dark was worrying, especially right now. That and the fact that at every intersection out of the corner of my eye was the dark mass. The dark mass that gave me the unsettling feeling in the corner of my old room, the dark mass that clouded my old living room in uneasiness, the dark mass that follows me wherever I go, leaving me with a turning stomach and a throat so dry that not even water could leave it hydrated. I couldn’t stop though, not with this weather. Not to mention, what would I even do if I stopped? There’s nothing I can do but let it happen.

Relived to see the driveway of my new home, I pull in and just sit there for a second. I let the warmth of my car heater gently hit my face. Calming for a second, my eyes widen as I start to gasp for air. My heart beating nearly a thousand beats a minute, it feels like a horse is galloping in my chest. Close to passing out I open my door and fall into the freezing snow, slowly catching my breath as I notice the mass staring from across the street. Even with an absence of eyes, I can feel it gazing on me like I’m one of those lobsters in a grocery store. Hands bound with no option but to sit and watch as people one by one stop by, contemplating consuming me as their next meal. Yet as quickly as it came, the mass was gone, and there I was. All fours touching the fresh snow, with the heat of my car slowly melting what is under it. All I could do was stay there. Should I call someone? Am I going crazy? What the hell is going on?

Inside, I calm myself and head for the shower. The warm water was a pleasant feeling. Exactly what I needed to calm myself from all that had occurred just hours before at my old home and most recently, what had happened in my very own driveway. I slowly close my eyes and allow the water to rush over me, embracing my skin with its warmth so perfect it could’ve very well been a gift from God. All good things come to an end though and after nearly half an hour, it was time for me to start getting ready for bed. Drying myself off, I look in the fogged-over mirror, wondering what is hiding beneath the clouded reflection. Wondering if I am still the same person I once was. The same person I was yesterday, still living in my parent's house eagerly waiting for today. My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed a tingling in my extremities. My toes and fingers feel like they’ve woken up from a month-long nap, stretching their way out of my skin. I quickly dress and head toward my room. Sleep was what I needed. After today? I mean what even happened? What was I seeing? I swear to god I’m going crazy, but for what reason?

Easing my body into my fresh sheets, I feel a sense of relief, a sense of safety in my own bed. That’s when I close my eyes and for the first time in my new house, start to drift off into dreamland. All was good until my eyes were jolted ajar, staring off into the dark room with nothing lighting it but my dimmed LEDs. I was dizzy but I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t taken anything, was I getting sick? Questions came and went until it was there. The dark mass. The one from my old room, my old living room, the intersections in town, across my street. The dark mass that filled me with uncertainty was now in my room. The place I was supposed to be safe, the place I tried so hard to make comfortable for me, the place where I was supposed to live my life in was now tainted by this terrible thing. I felt a lump develop in my throat and for a second I swear I couldn’t swallow. With every second passing, it grew closer to me, so close that it was almost on my bed. I wanted to hide under my blankets like a child but I felt I couldn’t move. The pain and dread I was feeling was so intense I couldn’t help but shake uncontrollably. Still, even with all of this happening, it moved closer. Now it was over me, paralyzed in my bed, I feel a pressure coming from the inside of my chest. So strong I felt it would explode. I knew I was going to die, I felt so sure of it. My heart racing faster than it ever has before and that’s when everything went black.

I wake up the next morning drenched in sweat. So much so that I’m sure if you saw me you’d assume I decided to take a shower with all of my clothes on. I was dizzy and lightheaded, almost like a hangover and that lump from the night before was still so present in the back of my throat. Had I eaten something bad? That's when the uneasiness from before had come back so strongly I was afraid I would throw up. With one blink my room was empty, then with the next, it was back. The mass that had controlled me last night, played with my emotions like a pianist playing a concerto. I was frozen in fear. All I could do was reach for my phone and dial my mom. Two rings later she answered.

“Hey, honey, how was your night?” She asked, eager to hear how great it was on my first night alone.

I couldn’t answer. My throat was so dry, I felt as if the lump was getting bigger with each heartbeat. Tears start to well in my eyes when my mom speaks again.

“Hello? Jordan, are you doing okay?” She asked with slight worry in her voice.

All that I could manage to muster without breaking down was a weak, “Hey mom…”

She responded concerned, “Hey, what’s wrong, hon? Is everything okay?”

I softly say through slight sobs, “Mom, I think I need to come home. I don’t think I can do this.”