The Thoughts Of An Adult Suffering From The Effects of A Narcissist On Them.

Whatever I write comes out and will be produced for the healing of my emotional detachment and other things, like letting go of my step dad and other harmful behaviors that manifest as a result of those two conditions.

The detachment mechanism used to prevent feeling my emotional world is so severely designed for a almost airtight sealed limited access bottle that only allows momentarily the awareness of the emotions running out of the bottle from such a overwhelming pressure. This pressure is my pain. The pain/emotional hurt I have been carrying around for my life has been craftily put into its own place in my heart/mind. These stuck emotions show their ugly head whenever something triggers them while being in the present moment. Unfortunately, these emotions are triggered constantly for most of my days. With these emotions being triggered so frequently, I have lived in a constant state of agony that I had detached from because it’s so painful to experience. I honestly greatly desire to feel intensely as I do but in order to do this, I have to work through the pain it is rooted from so that the positive emotions/feelings express themselves as opposed to the overwhelmingly negative.

To work through this, I don’t know where to start. Or....maybe I do. I know that my step father and my childhood was a living hell of walking on eggshells, fearfully doing whatever I could to appease my step father. All my life I had questioned deep within me whether my step dad loved me or not, since then I have learned that that shouldn’t even be questioned if there was true love there. When I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was make my dad proud because of his apparent disdain for me. There is so much resentment stored in me and I hate the fact that I, even I am doing this as I type this, question if I am wrong to consider him such a menace to my life. Looking back into childhood memories, there are a handful of specific instances that I remember as being experienced in a negative light. The rest of the experience of childhood was robbed from me from such an early age. If only I could really go back and have the ability to access these memories then maybe I would have the chance to heal. Maybe I don’t need to revisit those painful memories and just finally accept the whole situation for what it was and leave the relationship I have had with my step dad. What it meant to me is simply just a memory, a memory of a lost aspect of a family system I had to live with. What my step dad was supposed to do, which was raise a healthy family that provided support for me and my other family members, teach me and my other family members, love me and my other family members, and emotionally be there for me and my other family members. Instead, I got a whole family I can’t speak with this about because that selfish person has been using all of us as pawns to his selfish means. I am now going to make a conscious effort to work through the suffering/pain that relationship gave/gives me, and continue to disregard that once fragile relationship of torment by finally putting it to rest so that it may cease to cause me pain and suffering.

From this moment onward, I am walking away from the wreckage of the devastation of the past with God providing me all the comfort, wisdom, encouragement, healing and power to be able to use as I will for the full restoration of my emotional, mental and spiritual health.

God is truly who I have been searching for acceptance from. How greatly am I accepted!! I am loved! I am never neglected!! I am given the comfort and security I have been craving for because God is my Shepard, and God is my Provider. With God, I will be compassionately cradled by Him when moving forward with anything I am desiring for. Through Him I am set free and by Him I am established.

I am further releasing from the vice grip his toxicity had over my life. His unloving belittlements. His gaslighting. His appeal of calling me delusional, that in the past further separated me from others in a most painful way. His lack of tender love towards me when I was a such a young one has shaped me in so many ways. Releasing myself from his invisible puppet strings is what is happening now and the healing that is starting to occur is leading to the reconciliation of myself with myself and myself with God. I am being restored emotionally from the foundational levels of who I am up to the lively uniqueness of myself as an individual.

Letting go of him is what is occurring now. The feelings of not having a true father figure are very dark and daunting, but at least I’m starting to feel these things. I am coming to terms with the reality of the situation and I have come to accept it as it presented itself to me. I have stopped pushing to the side these thoughts that occur concerning this as a whole. The true realities of the situation have to be processed and I am letting this be so without feeling the need to dissociate from the emotions.

I am faced currently with my mom being online on Facebook messenger. How do I navigate the best actions and decisions to be made so that there is the least amount of collateral damage? I am asking God for the answer fully being developed so that it may be put in writing so I can be given proper direction.

I know I love my mom, and she is suffering just as much as I am. We are all suffering. The role I took on myself at a very young age to protect my mom and sisters from potential danger such as emotional, mental, and physical abuse/neglect has since then become part of my personality. My ability to intuitively feel the hurt of my sisters and mom was the catalyst that had me to partake in damage control, much like a martyr going into the heat of battle. Even though I have never seen my role as that significant, it has been. With my absence, they are going to be trying to manage the mess without me. Whatever happens when this takes place, without me, truths will be exposed and my ability to comfort my mom and sisters will be needed then because of the intense emotional pain that will be showcased. Once that happens, the proper foundation for better relationships can be formed on this foundation.