Calaen Burton
Stories (3)
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I Hope It’s Relatable
I very rarely share my adversity, but here I am. “Be still and know I am God” is what is ringing through my being as I type this out. I can know that it’s perfectly ok to share my struggle. I’ve restrained myself for so long from sharing my feelings/burdens because I know the power of the effects words can have on our lives. I’ve learned in countless therapy sessions to share what is going on within me that causes me great pain and turmoil. Honestly, I was so backed in a corner on the ability to express myself that I couldn’t be completely honest. Not even close to honest. I have been feeling so alone and so misunderstood for the past five years I’ve been in treatment. You’ve heard that right. Treatment. Substance Abuse Rehabilitation. I started going to rehab when I was 20. I’m now 25. The first time I went to rehab, they put me on a medicine 100mg over the max dose that was an antidepressant. I’m bipolar. Putting me on ANY antidepressant is a terrible idea, and incredibly insane from a doctors stand point. By the fourth week of being on that medicine, I was so psychotic I was sent to a hospital before I went to a psychward. During the first three months I was in a mixed Bipolar I state. This meant that I was having thoughts of a heaven perspective one minute and having thoughts of a hell perspective the next. This was for 3 months. The following next four years was me staying in rehabs trying to diffuse the psychotic beliefs and recover from drug addiction. Four years I was in a delusion state of mind that was worse than any sort of reality normal folks live in. Getting sober, not even possible. Every time I graduated a rehab, I quickly used within a week. Thus starting the trip from sober living back to rehab again. A miserable cycle of unsuccessful attempts and the pain of being ostracized for my thoughts and input to the groups I was participating in. Therapists referring to my as psychotic when overlooking their treatment plan when signing. Basically nobody having any faith in me. Family fed into the whole image of me being nothing more than the image of Bipolar I and medicine. To this day, I basically can only talk to my Dad about my meds and the feelings of trauma tear me apart from all the delusional thoughts I had those four years. To this day, I feel looked at as delusional, unaccepted, unloved, forsaken, left out in the cold, separated from others, and judged. Not to mention the amount of pain I give myself from my perfectionism, harsh inner critic, judgment of myself, feeling like a failure, feelings of insecurity, unacceptable behavior I have failed to change and berating myself for every small thing I think I do wrong. It’s no wonder why I don’t recover. These are all things I feel from when I wake up to when I lie down. I feel all this way and unable to share my true self.
By Calaen Burton 4 years ago in Journal
Emotions Transmutation
m writing with the intention to create a different perception/awareness/perspective of my emotional life. There are times where I feel uncomfortable. As these uncomfortable feelings that used to so very much antagonize me are failing to manifest in my inner/outer world, I am beginning to now feel the stability, peace, and serenity of a completely firm faith rooted in Divine Love.
By Calaen Burton 4 years ago in Poets
The Thoughts Of An Adult Suffering From The Effects of A Narcissist On Them.
Whatever I write comes out and will be produced for the healing of my emotional detachment and other things, like letting go of my step dad and other harmful behaviors that manifest as a result of those two conditions.
By Calaen Burton 4 years ago in Psyche
