The term in psychology is called the Aronson Effect

Psychologist Elliot Aronson once said,

“People don’t enjoy the reward itself, but the feeling of the reward increasing.”

• Some people shower their partner with care and attention when they’re in love, but once married, they neglect their home and ignore their sick wife.

• Some people are madly in love at the beginning, but over time, they become indifferent and even start to put each other down.

Why do two people who start off with fiery passion see their relationship cool down over time?

Has the love soured, or has it simply faded away? Sometimes, those who are most affectionate end up being hurt the most.

A major reason for this is “human nature.”

Psychologist Aronson proposed a psychological effect—the “Aronson Effect”—which can help explain many relationship issues.

01. What is the Aronson Effect?

The Aronson Effect refers to how people tend to favour those or things whose affection, rewards, or praise for them gradually increase, and they dislike those whose affection seems to decrease over time.

Aronson conducted an experiment where participants were divided into four groups and exposed to different patterns of praise and criticism.

• The first group received constant praise.

• The second group received constant criticism.

• The third group was first criticised and then praised.

• The fourth group was first praised and then criticised.

The results showed that the participants preferred the third group (criticised first and then praised) the most, while the group that was first praised and then criticised was the least liked.

This suggests that in relationships, the change in attitude toward us has a greater impact than the attitude itself.

When applied to relationships, it means that people prefer those whose affection and appreciation for them grow over time, while they tend to feel disappointed with those who start off with passion and gradually become indifferent.

02. Unspoken Rules in Relationships

1. A Gradual Relationship is More Attractive

Sudden passion is like a whirlwind—it comes fast and goes just as quickly.

But a slow and steady increase in affection is like the warmth of the winter sun—it makes you want to stay close.

Take the relationship between Australian writer, Jane, and her husband, Jack. They first met outside the University of Canberra.

At first, their interactions were just polite small talk.

But as they exchanged more letters, they discovered a shared love for literature and had similar views on poetry and books.

Jack would often share his thoughts on reading in his letters, and Jane would respond with her own reflections.

Knowing Jane’s love for European pastries, Jack would thoughtfully prepare them and walk a long distance to deliver them to her.

Seeing his attention to small details, Jane realised that the seemingly quiet and bookish man had a kind and attentive heart.

Their relationship grew in this gradual exchange of care and understanding, and they spent many years together.

This shows that passionate love often fades, but a relationship that develops slowly over time is far more enduring.

2. Maintaining Stable and Increasing Affection

In relationships, a strategy of overwhelming affection at the start isn’t always the best approach.

Spending freely, demanding love, or apologising first after every argument often leads not to deeper love, but to emotional numbness.

When the initial passion fades and the relationship enters a more mundane phase, your partner may feel that you no longer care.

Therefore, to maintain a healthy relationship, stable and increasing affection is key.

By consistently showing care and letting your partner feel that your love and appreciation are growing over time, you create a strong sense of security and happiness.

3. Keep Growing Together

The Aronson Effect tells us that people are always attracted to those who are “growing upwards.”

In relationships, it’s important that both partners continue to grow.

When one partner learns new things, improves their skills, and strives for self-growth, it positively influences the other.

This shared growth process boosts the value each person places on the other, preventing dissatisfaction that might arise when one person stops evolving.

For example, if a man who was fit before marriage gains a beer belly and starts playing video games all day, or if a woman who was once elegant spends all her time in her pyjamas scrolling through her phone, it can lead to frustration.

Only when both partners are progressing will the appreciation and love between them continue to grow.

03. How to Apply the Aronson Effect in Relationships?

(1) Maintain the Stability of Passion

In a relationship, don’t let your passion suddenly fade.

Set small, daily commitments, like chatting every evening at a set time to share your day, or scheduling weekly dates.

These small gestures help maintain your attention and enthusiasm for each other, making your partner feel that your love remains constant.

Also, keep bringing fresh energy to the relationship by trying new activities together, like cooking a new recipe or exploring new places. This helps prevent things from becoming stale.

(2) Create Surprises and Special Moments

Break the routine now and then by surprising your partner. Let them feel that your love and effort for them are increasing.

You could plan a special birthday celebration or, just out of the blue, buy them something they’ve wanted for a long time.

These surprises create an emotional impact and strengthen the bond between you.

(3) Pay Attention to Details, Let Love Grow

Notice the small details in your partner’s life and show care in subtle ways.

Remember their favourite foods, colours, and important dates, and offer thoughtful gestures at the right moment.

For example, when your partner is tired from work, make them a cup of their favourite tea, or on an anniversary, give them a small meaningful gift.

These thoughtful details help your partner feel that your love deepens over time, fortifying the relationship.

(4) Learn to Express Opinions Effectively

If you notice something that your partner could improve on, avoid criticism. Instead, offer constructive feedback by first acknowledging their strengths, then suggesting improvements.

For example, “You organised the event really well, and everyone had a great time. If you could streamline the schedule a little, it would be even better.”

This way, your partner can receive the feedback without feeling hurt, and they’ll see that you care and respect them.

04. Conclusion

So, often, it’s not that love fades, but rather that “human nature” is at play.

The Aronson Effect reveals many of the unspoken rules in relationships, but remember:

True love can withstand the sweetness and also endure the hardships.

In love, we need to understand our partner’s needs, express our love in the right way, and let the relationship grow and blossom over time, becoming even more radiant.