The Silent Clock

Did time pass so quickly? I doubted….

Do I feel the same? I wondered…

Am I the same person? I questioned…

Didn't that feel like yesterday? I was deceived…

…and I opened my eyes — felt as if I had been in a deep sleep. And here I was; just myself; but something was off. Something did not feel "right" — feels like that word does not quite capture the feeling. Something felt odd, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was like something was just slightly different from what I remembered…until I saw myself in the mirror! I felt like a boy, thought like a boy, my soul was that of a boy, and even my intentions were those of a boy. What had happened? I opened my eyes, and it did not feel any different than it did twenty years ago — but my hair was grey, I had wrinkles on my face, and I looked like an older version of myself. "Had I been sleeping all these years?", I thought. I felt as if I were going to school, just like it was yesterday — my mom swiftly preparing a bland toast for my school snack, my dad joyfully whistling while shaving in the bathroom, my brother half-heartedly sipping his lightly-heated milk, and me — mechanically listening to the high-pitched voice of the radio host coming from the old transistor radio my dad had left on the kitchen counter. I swear, it felt like it was just yesterday. No one had warned me about what I saw — it was as if I had just woken up, on my way to meet my best friend, heading to school. But I was mistaken! I was grey, and I laughed. What else could I have done? I smirked, as if trying to hide my emotions from myself. I smirked, but it did not quite feel right. How strange!

How quickly time passes? I remember teasing my father when I was a kid — laughing as I said: "Oh Dad, you are old… you are ancient!" — as if it were the funniest thing in the world. I never understood how he truly felt when I said it. He always smiled but never really expressed himself. Then one day, while I was joking about age — too young to care about such things at that point — he simply chuckled and said, "Where you are, I have already been; and where I am, you will arrive soon" I laughed it off because it rhymed amusingly in my native language, never realizing the weight of his words. It took time — not just to understand the sentence — but to feel its meaning. He has been here. What a reality? He was once a child, just like me; he has seen, and experienced; felt like one before — maybe he still does — like me even now; even now after so long I do not feel any different than when I was 10; maybe he feels the same; maybe it is something that many people do; I wonder!?

"Time is an illusion." – Albert Einstein

Why does time seem to pass faster now than it did long ago? Perception! You see, time is relative. When you were 10, a year made up 10% of your entire life. But now — let’s assume you’re 50 — a year is only 2% of it. So, perception indeed. The older you get, the shorter each year feels in proportion to your life, making time seem to exponentially accelerate. The time you once thought was endless now rushes forward — the time you believed you had so much of — slipping through your fingers faster than ever. And sometimes, you wish you could stop it — just for a moment. I cannot blame you; sometimes, I wish I could stop it too — just to have the time to think about what to do with it, without losing it, without letting these moments of my life slip away. Just to be able to magically freeze time — to pause and reflect — to hold on, even if only to fool myself into believing I still have control over it. To freeze time and savor the scent of a fleeting season as summer fades, the beauty of an unforgettable view on a distant island, the presence of your mother as she grows older, a friend leaving with their family for a life abroad, or your girlfriend moving to another city for a better job. You wish — just once — that you could make time stand still.

Some people lament the passage of time, but I don’t. I see it as an opportunity to grow, mature, learn from past mistakes, and create new memories with the people we love. Time is a universal gift — given to everyone — regardless of where they come from or even what they are, human or animal. What a gift! Time! And yet, some people feel disheartened as they grow older. But what an opportunity it is; to age, to witness life unfold, and to experience what others never had the chance to. I see it as a blessing, a precious present that we can use however we choose. But don’t waste it. Be wise, be humble, and make the most of it. People often ask, “What’s so good about time passing?” Time allows us to heal, to release old wounds, and to embrace new beginnings. As they say, “Father Time heals all”.

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

…And then what happens when you have invested everything in the most valuable principle at the time? You become addicted to the feeling; you become obsessed with this goal — as obsessed as one can become — not necessarily because the target itself is valuable, but because you have spent your time on it, and your time, undoubtedly, has always been valuable. What a thought? You begin to value things based on time as a “currency” measuring worth by how much time you have invested in them. And then you miss it — or regret it — when it’s over. Just think about it; the old car you do not want to sell because you have spent the last 10 years taking care of it — and in return — it has taken care of you; the summer house — you always return to — remembering running around as a kid; a past relationship you spent years trying to perfect, and now you cannot escape the thoughts of the time spent. Was that time lost? Was it invested? Will it ever come back? Or do we simply learn, understand, and grow through the passage of time? I suppose, I will never know. I suppose, I will always wonder. I suppose, I’ll always know — deep down — what the truth is. I suppose…

"One day, you're 17 and you're planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life." – Nathan Scott

Now that I am older, I realize the clock was always silent, and no one ever told me that I am supposed to hear it tick — tick; tack; tick; tack... Only now do I hear the sound, and it feels like a new experience. It was about time, I suppose; it was time to truly see what was there all along. As time passes, I am constantly reminded that every moment, every tick you feel, is irretrievable. Every small moment — good or bad — is something that will never come back. And…I smile, a smile born of numbness, because I can do nothing but accept the reality. Despite its relentless pace though, time offers us the chance to reflect, grow, experience, change our ways, and find meaning in moments and things we once thought pointless or took for granted. So, what use is it to try to control it? Perhaps the right approach is to embrace it, to savor every moment. Because time is all about perception; it doesn’t matter how much time we really have, but how much we enjoyed spending it!

Will it ever come back? I doubted….

Can I stop it? I wondered…

Am I still myself? I questioned…

Did I just wake up? I was deceived…