The PTSD of Gaslighting

I am not an expert on the subject by any means. There are so many people out there suffering in relationships that involve gaslighting and narcissism. I lived in that particular situation for over 20 years.

I didn't even know the term "gaslighting" until I left. Saying I started out as a woman with a grasp on stable relationships would be lying at best. From the time I was thirteen I had been in and out of failed accords.

My first boyfriend was the classic definition of narcissism. He loved to play with my emotions, break me down mentally, then promise change and love with threats of suicide should I deny him. He finally moved away, allowing me to find the one that would eventually become my husband nearly 30 years later. That's another story entirely.

From one that was in prison constantly, to a controlling and abusive fiancé, and finally to the one that got me pregnant and I committed myself to making it last, I moved from one narcissist to another. Gaslighting was a whole new ballgame for me, though. I didn't even recognize what it was until many years into the marriage and I didn't know it had a name.

I always valued myself as insightful and with a good memory, especially for conversations. I considered myself a strong and independent woman, able to make decisions after thinking them through and analyzing them from every angle. Call it the curse of the Virgo, but if I had any sense of pride or accomplishment, it was based on that ability.

When I left him after being together for 23 years, I was in a state of constant confusion, nervous I would do or say something wrong, anxious about everything, and constantly worrying. My self-confidence was gone. I allowed myself to get overweight and I was emotionally numb. If healthline.com had put my name in the "signs you're experiencing gaslighting" section of their article, it would have saved them some typing!

If they had put my ex's name in the first section, it would have saved them even more time. I cannot pinpoint how many times I was told, "That never happened. You're confused. I never said that." The worst of it was when I finally started to find myself again and understand that I wasn't crazy.

During the divorce all the blame was on me. He had everyone believing I was the main source of all the troubles, that I had done things during the course of our marriage that had never happened. He even turned my children against me with his lies and manipulation.

The biggest turning point for me was the day my oldest daughter verbally attacked me. It was right after spending two weeks in the hospital, day and night, with my ex after his heart attack and triple bypass surgery. We were coming home from a checkup and I guess I had stepped over her boundaries, insisting that her work was giving her the raw end of a deal.

She turned to me and told me that I was a horrible person, everyone hated me, and I was mean. When I asked her to explain what she meant, she started crying and refused to give me examples. With tears in my eyes and the realization that I had given my life to six other people (I've had 5 children) for nothing more than to be told I'm despised, I asked him if it was true. With a face of stone he answered, "Well, you can be kind of mean." I cried the entire way home and then emotionally shut myself off.

To this day, I still suffer from the PTSD of gaslighting. My new husband (aforementioned childhood sweetheart) constantly tells me I'm smart, beautiful, and talented. There are times I listen to him, but still revert to blaming myself when things go wrong. Insist there's more I could do or be to make things right.

I am finding out who I am again and what I like to do in life. If you've ever watched Runaway Bride you'll understand my reference to finally realizing how I like my eggs. It's been almost three years of reassurance and healing, but it will likely take many more. It's not something easily recovered from.

The emotional numbness comes and goes. I wrote all through high school but stopped after kids and marriage. When I began speaking to my future husband again, he lit a fire in me I didn't know still existed. I began writing and realized I might still be good at it. I'm working on a novel and am waiting for the first part to be published on Vocal.

I intend to write more about my experiences, my journey into healing, and helping others to realize they are not "crazy". They are being manipulated, broken down, and urged to comply. Keep your dreams, keep your hopes, and most importantly, keep your backbone.