The Narcissist Took My Lunch

No, but seriously. The stuff you're about to read was only supposed to take a few moments to jot down, but ended up taking my entire lunch break to put perfectly in words. Granted that circumstance, I knew the name was a clever and compelling choice for this writing.

Trust me, if my lunch was really taken, the title would say "How To Get Bitch-Slapped on the Clock". It would be a nifty little heads up for, not just narcissists, but also communists, alchemists, exorcists, and any other "ists" thinking it's a good idea to touch my shit.

In an era when the word NARCISSIST is so overused that its definition feels lost, I had to redefine it for myself. In my eyes, narcissist is a label; A label placed on someone whose deeds and decisions are primarily tailored for attention and control. I'll add that control is often valued for its way of gaining and securing the attention by instilling in the minds of others an assumed worthiness of whoever has it.

Why is this a bad thing?

To be a narcissist is a bad thing because it is not noble. It is not noble to seek attention or control unless such things are tools in facilitating a meaningful cause. For a narcissist, the attention is the cause. They want to be GIVEN or be WORTH more attention than others. It's a requirement. They literally cannot sit comfortably in spaces where they are not ranked the most-worthy, and attention is the seemingly most available human validator of worthiness. (Heavy on the "seemingly".)

Why is this dangerous?

When one is motivated by attention and control, it is very rarely if ever admitted. As a matter of fact, admitting it may directly minimize the capacity to obtain it. Therefore, one who seeks these things is, by nature, deceitful to a degree. They must be. They are not transparent, they are not credible, and in a life where attention is given to many people, they are often jealous.

And please keep in mind that their gestures can be GRAND. They may abandon marriages or wage war against colleagues all for the underlying endeavor of a reality that proves them to be most-dignified.

So let's redefine

I don't believe that narcissism is so much a disorder that removes empathy, but more so a recognizable pattern of self-centered behaviors in which empathy is neglected. When one hyper-focuses on calculating the attention spent and earned, they succumb to a sort of tunnel vision that distracts them from being properly considerate of others.

A narcissist may not be your shoulder to lean on when you sob tears of grief, because that would SWINDLE them out of some precious attention. It would also add to you being the focal point if other people are comforting you already. Seeing that such an emotional state garners the focus of others, a narcissist would feel like quite the genius to dismiss themselves when you're in need of support. Better yet, if they cry harder about something else, the spotlight might shift to them. The problem overall is the tight focus on the flow of attention.

But here's the thing! The one perceived as narcissist in this case may be justified. In an instance where someone is sobbing tears of sadness, you might be right to dismiss yourself if said person has a history of attention-grabbing stunts. (That means crybaby is the narcissist after all!) However, when you apply that attitude to every person, in every single room, every single time, that's when the label starts to seem more appropriate for you. Are you keeping up?

As part of this break-down, I'll add that narcissism is situational, not a diagnosable. Call me crazy, but I just don't believe there's a person walking this Earth without a natural ability to feel for others. At least not as many as the common use of the term suggests. I believe in being distracted; Distracted oftentimes by the factors in your environment.

I believe certain circumstances can somewhat train a person into what we believe is narcissism. Like being a celebrity, working in television, or even CEO's and store managers with lots on their plates; All potential examples of figures prone to becoming someone who gives a shit less about anyone else. I also believe that people can be more or less narcissistic based on the particular group they're in, which leads me to one of the most pivotal points I'd like to make in this writing.

Selfishness is a sign of WEAKNESS

And I've been saying that since I was in my teens. Every time I try and do the psychological math on what makes a person so self-interested, I'm always left with the same answer: Excessive concern with one's self truly stems from uncertainty. To be selfish, to be self-centered, to be self-absorbed, or overly self-anything: It's the product of secretly being unsure, uncertain, and unconfident. Am I better? Am I cooler? Haven't I done more? Do they see me? Will I make it? Will I get by?

Imagine that society is nothing but a body of water, and "worthiness" could be measured by where you are in that water. Average people are floating right on the surface, kicking their feet gently. The middle level people are in floaties and tubes, riding the surface without using their own energy. Even higher than them are the people in boats—the high level people don't even have to touch the water! Then of course the low lifers only come up for air or have already drowned.

You would think that the self absorbed person is oblivious to others because they're busy in a tube or a boat. In reality, they are constantly helping themselves and selling themselves so they don't drown. They're frantic. Selfish people feel as if they're being pulled under the water every time the lens is on someone else. It doesn't matter if they're swimming, tubing, or boating with the big dogs, they always feel a hair away from being sucked into the abyss.

An excessive need for attention or admiration is not much different from constantly needing reminders. Even people suffering from GREED are likely the most fearful of losing everything—no matter how cool they seem on the surface. When you put it all together, you realize that a narcissist is more of a sheep than a lion. They're not so much a threat to anyone as they are threatened by everyone. You can listen to a narcissist talk about their life for twenty minutes and the moment the focus is on another person, it's like quicksand is pulling them down into a hell for the unworthy. That's not strength. That's not confidence. That's not self love.

In summary

Narcissism is a subjective concept. At least in the modern day. Everyone has probably been, or will be, the narcissist in someone's story. However, it's ultimately just a label; A label that you may or may not deserve in a given situation.

If there's really a man or woman out there who is incapable of empathy, I would accredit it to being stupid more than anything else. In which case, if you can identify them as a "real narcissist" by textbook definition, then perhaps it's safe to just say "fucking idiot."