Picky Playerz

Before I get started with this message, let me emphasize one thing I firmly believe: Solid men don't fret for support. With that being said, try your best not to misconstrue the tone of what I'm about to write. I just happen to be a man that goes where inspiration leads him and I'm at an era of my life in which the selective nature of people keeps being made prominently obvious. Make no mistake, such a nuisance of habits is not new to me at all—just shockingly more apparent right now. To prove it, I dove deep into my timeworn journals for any text that shines light on the common person's deliberate manner of applauding or acknowledging others; Self-interested selectiveness. As I said, I'm no stranger to low vibrational games, so I'll kick off this topic with a journal I penned 7 years ago.

November 26, 2018

I wrote, "The number one enemy to brilliant people is the world around them that tries to diminish their idea of themselves. The world will try to put you down and deny you the credit you deserve in efforts to stop you from realizing your potential and your strength. It fears that you will excel it, dominate it, or leave it behind. It wants to make you feel as small is it feels around you. People will capitalize on your weaknesses and flaws to amplify them as much as possible. People will try to make the strongest feel powerless and the smartest feel useless—It takes a strong mind to rise above it all."

Well said, former self. It absolutely takes a strong mind to conquer illusions of not being good enough, but it takes a shrewd one to break it all down! In fairness, some people may not celebrate you simply because they don't feel celebrated by you. But even then, there may be an imbalance in terms of what it takes for them to "feel" celebrated or supported; They may need to borrow 1000 of your dollars before they feel comfortable lending you 10 of their own. Overall, there are a number of avenues for someone with not-so-nice intentions to use when it comes to making covert but particular choices.

While we're on the year of 2018, I'll tell a quick story about my time working at the mall. I'd already quit the job weeks before writing the passage above, but during employment, I had a chance to work alongside a dude who had gone to my gym. Keep in mind, I had somewhat of an ugly exchange with a buddy of his once. It may not have been a pleasant situation, but even a little static has a way of making a man stand out.

When the universe decided to put us under the same roof of employment, I never even bothered to act familiar. He's just a dude to me. When the time came for me to train him, he made it a point to arouse conversation about the GYM—aka the place he recognizes me from. (Mind you, this had nothing to do with folding the jeans.) As soon as I said, "Yeah, I know you go to Fitness Connection", this punk says, "Wait, I've never seen you at the gym. I just saw your water bottle. Do you work out?!"

I promise you, I wasn't convinced in the slightest. With lightning quickness, I realized that he set the whole conversation up just to pretend I was unrecognizable. I didn't buy it for a second, nor did I play along. I looked at him like the fool he is. That was our first and last conversation on that job. I've never been one for weak ass games, but at least he gave me a great transition into the next subtopic.

(The following section is fulfilled by text from my personal journals; An amalgam of writing completed August 24, 2019 and July 9, 2021)

Selective Acknowledgment

In the above text, I argue that calculated behaviors exist to challenge the esteem and self-awareness of the most gifted. Many a person intends to speak or act in ways that either appeal to an important someone, or suggest indifference towards them entirely. However, in order for those behaviors to be effective, one would have to make sure the placement of them seems natural and effortless.

One August, I penned: "Be wary of those who feign inattention to cover their intentions. One must be extra cautious around those who constantly pretend not to notice things. They often act as if they are oblivious in order to prevent their future moves from looking premeditated or purposive. No matter how big a commotion, no matter how powerful an expression, no matter how impressive an action, they will always be conveniently unaware. They don't want you to think for a second that they've taken certain things about you into consideration. A lot of times, they may pretend not to recognize or remember who you are altogether. They don't want it to be obvious that they've tailored an approach specifically for you. Ultimately, they don't want you to understand your influence. People are not as clueless as they often pretend, and to believe otherwise will create a blind spot."

I'm thankful to recognize that picking and choosing what to acknowledge is one's way of hiding another person's impact. However, such choosiness can also be equipped as an attempt to stagnate another person's glory in itself. A couple Summers later, I journaled again:

"Confidence alone is quite a rare jewel and can make plenty of room for envy on its own. It is for this reason you must not lose sight of your value in accordance to the behaviors or attitudes displayed around you. Don't anticipate celebration, or support, or even credit when it's due. You'd be smarter to expect others to bask in your failures, to highlight your flaws, and to make an effort at damaging your pride."

"In addition to being confident, you are also independent and inaccessible to many. Being so high up and so hard to reach will birth bitterness in others as well. Need I add that confidence in itself suggests awareness in some measure. Therefore, the more apparent fortunes you have, the more offensive that confidence will be—Never expect others to invest anything into an already confident individual."

If people believe that you're already on a certain level or even sense that you deem yourself to be someone great, they'll be damned if they take part in getting you another step ahead. As a matter of fact, they may particularly save a spotlight for the not-so-impressive things that you do, because it misrepresents you. Any words or actions, towards you or about you, will be carefully crafted in a way that neither validates nor facilitates your development. But there's more to the game than persnickety uses of attention.

(The following section is fulfilled by text from my personal journals; An amalgam of writing completed August 6, 2019 and July 27, 2021; different days of the same months mentioned earlier.)

Selective Kindness

When it comes to friends (or foes in disguise), you may find that some days they're hot and other days they're cold. Some days they laugh with you, other days they pretend not to hear you when you speak. Some days they hold the door for you, other days they pretend not to see you coming in behind them. Although a number of these people may fully intend to be unpredictable, I'd argue that many of them really can't help themselves. You see, when a positive attitude is constantly forced through negative feelings, one's emotional muscles will give out every now and then.

It's 2021 and I'm standing behind a register, wondering what good it does for God to keep me in a job that I don't care for. An epiphany strikes, and I salvage a thought on the back of a receipt:

"Another advantage of being anchored for a period in your life is that it allows you to innovate and evolve from an unchanging position. So many things could improve for you and your new fortunes may never be acknowledged. However, you will observe changing attitudes above all else. Those who've seen you fall, will also get to see you shine (and perhaps fall and shine all over again). This back and forth allows you to study the effects of the investments you've made in yourself—effects like the everchanging volume of companions and competition. Something about your glory hits people much differently when they have to witness it's unveiling."

Sometimes people are selective with their friendliness, because their view of you is actively changing. It's not something they intend, it's something that just happens. More importantly, it may not occur because of something you've done wrong, but instead because of what you keep doing right. But what I wrote on that little receipt is lightwork!

Let's take it even further back; To 2019, when I was surrounded by shallow car salesmen for thirty hours a week. (At least I had access to a computer and printer—the best part of being front desk when you're a writer.)

My 23-year-old self says: "As confident as I am in most of what I've come to believe, there has been a great deal of confusion in the department that delegates how I handle my relationships. I've come to realize that such confusion is mainly because I've failed to recognize that personalities are a spectrum and not a permanent assembly of characteristics."

"I find that people, primarily, are very interested in me and give me ample attention and respect. Once they get comfortable being an associate of mine, they start to recognize the contrast between us and allow negative emotions to control them. Oftentimes, these negative emotions lead them to disrespect me unjustly, which they later regret and try to pretend never happened. This cycle has been such a perplexing thing to me and has repeated itself throughout my life in friends, coworkers, and even family. Without a doubt, I know their ill manners are spawned in bitter jealousy."

"I have to be wary that ugliness can take time to grow. It is not so much that I'm overlooking or misjudging anything, but more so that I'm being introduced to things created in time. I have to keep a constant watchful eye in every relationship, for the common man or woman's patience will grow thin once he or she's become settled in my glory."

Now this wasn't the end of that journal, nor was it the last thing I wrote during that August. But I have to preserve those pieces for the next section of this writing, because they make for perfect supporting details when it comes to the angle of selectiveness that burdens everyone including siblings, students, and entire cultural groups! I hope you're keeping up.

Selective Standards

The journal continues:

"Speaking of 'my glory', it is something that I still may not be properly acknowledging. I have to understand that my gifts put me in a different league than others. Therefore, I have to think on a different level and move with a different method. I shouldn't expect to be understood by those who've never played my position."

For one to make claims of outclassing the rest can sound arrogant to the untrained mind, but the irony is that such esteem is gained from seeing how the enemy always changes their methods for you. When reactions to misdeeds are conveniently bigger or smaller, or when expectations appear and disappear at the drop of a hat, you soon realize the game is being played by ear.

Scribbling on a paper about leagues and levels can seem pretentious in the moment, but I reassure you, it may have been the prep I needed. On the last day of that month, a vindicating conflict came to pass. On the 31st, I wrote:

"There was a bit of a disagreement between a coworker and me. To be honest, it was a laughable thing to endure. My coworker decided to make a mountain out of a molehill just so she could feel better about herself. She threw a bit of a tantrum and justified it by claiming that she intended to 'protect the equipment.' At the conclusion of this petty incident, I couldn't help but to reflect."

"Despite how obvious my coworker's wrongdoing was, the manager that oversees us both was eager to take her side. It reminded me a lot of when I was younger, when my mom would jump into fights between me and my brothers. She was always so ready to defend both of them, but she never showed the same sense of urgency for me. Oftentimes, people collect their efforts to contend against the most-capable. If anything, this little disagreement in my current life has opened my eyes to how long I've held my strength."

That 'little disagreement' was August 2019 and I remember it quite clearly. This lady raised her voice and even put her hands on me, because she felt like I pressed the letters on the keyboard too hard—bitching at me about this stuff like she paid for it! (It very much gave premeditated.) Even when they called us to the office, she said I was stupid. The manager didn't make a peep! Yet, he jumped down my throat when I told her that she was putting on a show. He was quick to let me know that my comments were offensive. Um, did you not just hear this lady going off? After SHOVING me?!

That whole ordeal was such a plain example of picking and choosing. In the case of consequences, your little bit costs a high price; But in the case of rewards, your whole lot may gain you nothing at all. This imbalanced algorithm is simply a product of an agenda that has already been set in the mind of the common onlooker: Ensuring that a specific someone does not get ahead or come out on top. I'm sure some of you reading this have already heard the term "move the goalposts"; An idiom that perfectly exposes the reality of fickle principles.

Unselective

By now, we've established that applause and attention can be cleverly used (or disused) as a means of manipulating one's perception of value. We also understand that such a tactic can be employed in the case of rules and regulations, and that such burdens may come and go depending on how one feels about another that day.

However, it must be understood that the politics are only of concern to the players in the game. Selectiveness is not only the habit of those who beware your potential, but the obstacle of those who are believed not to have any. One of the most common forms of selectiveness is that born from the impression others have of you.

In February of 2019, I was let go from a job unfairly and couldn't take it laying down. I found out a store leader had edited my lunch breaks to be longer in order to minimize payout. After I checked him on it, he moved me to a messy department and fired me for protesting my placement. I knew without a doubt that this man was playing dirty, but I still had trouble seeking justice. That week, I journaled:

"I've spent the last 6 days trying to salvage that job, granted that I don't agree with the circumstances under which I was let go. In the midst of this endeavor, I've had many people over a phone or behind a desk close their doors to me completely. It has opened my eyes to how careless people are towards the everyday man (or who they foolishly assume to be one). When you work a regular job, it seems like your issues and interests are very easily swept under the rug. If people perceive you to be 'low income' or a small fry of some sort, they won't bother to expend any measure of effort on you. They will feed you any excuse so they can send you on your way and never think of you again. It's beyond irksome and offensive."

Looking back, it actually makes me laugh that I contacted a law firm for this situation. (The lady literally giggled on the phone when I told her where I worked.) I was also in talks with the Ethics office of the company and even drove to downtown Houston to speak with the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission). I was steadfast about seeking justice because I didn't doubt that something was wrong. But even with all the evidence laid out, it's like my issue wasn't big enough—It's like I wasn't important enough to the world.

Even years prior to that, in 2016, I remember trying to get my first apartment. I was a twenty-year-old with two jobs and $5000+ in the bank. One of the first buildings I walked into, I was met by a nice lady who seemed so attentive up until the point that I had to write down my employers on a piece of paper. Again, I had two jobs—but I only wrote one.

This lady looked at the paper, took it to her office, then told me, "A lot of our units are under construction right now due to some flooding. We can't do any showings at the moment, but we'll give you a call when the units are available!" Do you know it's been almost a decade and that woman still has not called me? I'm one hundred percent sure she thought I couldn't afford to pay rent. As of today, I've paid rent 106 times without being a day late or a penny short ONCE. Shoulda' asked more questions, ignorant girl.

Sometimes selectiveness does not show up in the form of attitudes or directives, but instead as the force that keeps you on the outside altogether. Sometimes selectiveness is demonstrated when you're not being chosen at all. In some instances, you will not be granted time or energy from others, because you've been appraised as unpromising. Obvious circumstances include job interviews or auditions, but some covert examples would be like when you're not invited somewhere or when you walk into a dealership and wait an HOUR for someone to help you. (Remember those shallow car salesmen I mentioned earlier?) Even a judgment of this magnitude can change easily for the most trivial reasons, which shows it's not always a justifiable choice.

Here's What I Select...

That February I spent fighting for redemption, I journaled about my trials but didn't stop there. It continues:

"It's beyond irksome and offensive. In the heat of our adversity, we see the worst in people, and in the height of our victory, they beg us to forget it. It's the pressing moments like this that ignite my attitude and encourage me to sharpen my strengths."

"When it is time for me to be seated high, I will remember how easily common men and women turn their heads to me in my trying times. I can't control the ignorant and the ugly, but I can combat them with an iron will. I will let my intuition be my guide and exercise my strengths as I please, for this week has reminded me how selective the kindness of others can be. I'm not here to spare the feelings nor entertain the smiles of those who only look to protect themselves."

Two years later, in September 2021, I doubled down on my resolve and penned this fitting conclusion:

"The public will make you feel like you don't belong in its space, but will die for your company when your fortune becomes apparent. People will resent you for not lending them a seat at your table, but will leave you sitting alone if they mistake you to be less than what you are. As a man who has no problem enjoying a meal by himself, you will not share a table with me unless you have something to offer. However, even your offerings won't make your seat permanent."

You can play a sneaky game with picking and choosing, but remember that nothing real can be threatened. If you're not making choices with honor, you're more than likely going to play yourself. The gag is—picking and choosing might not be very player at all.