The Known Causes of Narcissism

You've probably heard before that 'everyone is a little bit narcissistic at times'. True, but having a healthy sense of pride in one's accomplishments is a far cry from the clinical classification of narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissism refers to 'the pursuit of gratification from vanity or admiration of one's idealised self-image'. Of course, it's healthy to wish to better oneself, but narcissism becomes a disorder when it dictates a persons daily life. And that is the hall-mark of a personality disorder - it dictates the persons behaviour - as opposed to simply being a 'trait'.

So, how does it happen?

False Self and Skin Walkers

Narcissistic Personality Disorder differs from narcissism in that the person with NPD does not have a stable sense of self. This often (but not always) occurs as the result of an unstable upbringing or an emotionally or physically abusive relationship (be that by a friend, a romantic partner, or family member).

-Throughout the remainder of this article, people with NPD will be referred to as 'Narcissists'-

During rich developmental phases (i.e. childhood and adolescence) a person hyper-focuses on their identity. Under the best circumstances, the developing child or adolescent receives unconditional love when expressing their authentic self. They receive praise when they achieve goals or work hard, and are held accountable for problem behaviours, resulting in a healthy personality.

The developing narcissist, however, is often on the receiving end of unpredictable parenting. Punishment and reward is given sporadically, and love is conditional. The developing narcissist is taught that their authentic self is not deserving of love or stability, so they begin to create an identity that will most effectively draw the approval of their caregivers. Due to this developmental phase being tarnished, the child/adolescent may suffer with their self-image for the rest of their life, if this remains untreated.

Throughout their life the Narcissist will create a number of false-selves, and will slip in and out of these selves when needed. Even if they do become part of a healthy social group, they will rely on a false-identity that is moulded specifically to win the groups approval. This is because the Narcissist has been taught that their authentic self is not worthy of admiration or love.

Validation and The Empty Bucket

A healthy person will use the nuggets of validation given to them by their peers to build a healthy perspective of themselves. They will also take on criticisms, and reflect on their truth and if they need to adjust certain behaviours.

When the Narcissist receives validation it is validation only for the false-self, and so, there is no real identity to relate it to. For this reason, the Narcissist requires constant validation to keep themselves feeling whole and worthy. Consider this analogy;

A healthy person carries a bucket. They collect stones and gems that represent aspects of their personality. When they aren't happy with a particular stone, they discard it, and seek out another. Their bucket is full, (or is being filled) and is a constant work in progress, but is never empty.

The Narcissist carries a bucket. They don't know it, but there is a hole at the bottom. They don't notice stones or gems, and would rather be like water; constantly changing to the people around them. They collect their water, and wonder why they aren't able to keep their bucket full.

Narcissistic Supply and Energy Vampires

The Narcissist relies on the constant validation of those around them to 'keep their bucket full'. This usually means that being in the presence of a narcissist can feel unnaturally exhausting. The more energy the Narcissist saps from you, the fuller their bucket becomes. This seeking of energy from external sources is known as 'Narcissistic Supply'. Narcissistic supply is what makes the narcissist feel alive; like they have a stable sense of identity.

The Narcissist uses a number of methods to gain supply from 'targets'. The application can vary depending on the 'type' of narcissist, but the underlying processes are the same;

1. Gaslighting: This occurs when the Narcissist attempts to warp your sense of reality. This might be done to paint themselves in a better light, or to make you think less of yourself and other people, with the end goal of you idealising the Narcissist, and relying on them for validation.
2. Negging: You know you're being negged when you have been paid a compliment, but it feels more like an insult. The Narcissist will do this to lower your self-esteem, with the end goal of making you view them as more prestigious or desirable than yourself.
3. Skin Walking: Saved for the Narcissists most 'valuable' targets; this is when the Narcissist idealises someone, and attempts to mould a new identity to emulate them. This could include copying the targets appearance, job, area of study, friendship group, and more.

The Narcissist might gain supply in more conventionally common ways as well. They might rely on their vanity, gloating, or showing off of material goods. How the Narcissist acquires supply, however, is largely dependant on their 'sub-type'. While the literature on narcissistic subtypes is relatively new, there is a general consensus on the following two classifications;

And on the following subtypes;

• Somatic: The somatic narcissist gains supply through material or physical pursuits, such as luxury goods or sex.
• Cerebral: The cerebral narcissist gains supply from being lorded as intellectually superior and often believes themselves to be smarter than they are.

As a general introduction to NPD, this article does not cover all of the techniques a narcissistic might use to gain narcissistic supply from a target, but you can learn more about it here!

Thanks for reading!