THE DEEP DARK HOLE

Have you ever felt trapped inside your own body? I have, well I mean I do. I have suffered with this unbalanced lifestyle since I was maybe twelve or thirteen, maybe even before then just at that age it was my first time ever seeing a doctor for any sort of mental issues. Then it was severe on a different level I used to cut myself. I mean I didn't want to die I just did it. Years later I found out that cutting had something to do with control. By the time I was in high school that phase of my life was over and I know was noticing other unhealthy behavior's. I was barely ever in a classroom, I was engaging in a lot of risky sex. I was experiencing my high's and my low's at this point. I began smoking cigars (black and mild's) that quickly led to Mary jane. I was extremely excessive with my smoking. You know we learned long time ago that weed was the gateway drug. Nobody cared to listen we would say I'm never going to do anything else but smoke weed. when things were good with me mentally I would go to school, get along with my mother, and so many other good things. I would take baths, brush my teeth, comb my hair, wash my clothes. the way I felt on the inside would show severely on the outside. I soon realized that if i did not buckle down i would not graduate from high school. This only came to realization after being classified as a ninth grader for three years, My principal at the time meeting with my mother telling her I was not in the district to attend his school and that he wouldn't if I was applying myself and contributing to the school grade. Well of course I was not doing that my grades and behavior at that time was academically hurting my school. Now three years into high school with the same friends I went to middle school with second semester of what should have been my junior year I switched schools. We all know that was a tragedy for me. So there I was starting this new school where I knew no one. My new guidance counselor was some sort of prejudice, she expressed to me and my mom looking at my 3 years of taking the same 9th grade FCAT test she was surprised with my reading comprehension and writing skills, because I came from a predominantly black school. That didn't feel great at all, new school, no friends and my bias counselor. With only a year and half left of school the rest of that junior year I quickly met a few girls just like and one guy. That was my crew. We skipped most days, looked out for one another, kept each other safe. My home life was spiraling because of my then 2 years in 14 year old stepbrother. We were treated different I would get punished whenever i was caught doing something wrong. He got away with murder. I was living on edge skipping school going to get drunk and high, started taking ex pills, was already in a 2nd relationship with a guy six years older than me. Sneaking out at night, sneaking boys or shall I say men into my mom's home. Smoking in the house just on a frenzy of doing all the wrong things. By this time I was also considered a habitual run away in my county. I was constantly running away. I knew something was wrong with me because I'm a only child I was spoiled rotten my family loved me. Nothing really triggered these behaviors. I would just spaz out and up and leave like I was an adult. Thank god that in my senior year I got a offer from my school for kids like me. i would do virtual school in the day which was catching up 3 years in one year and at night I would attend my high school for my senior year work. I would fall off the band wagon sometimes and not even go to night school. Or miss so many assignments in virtual I'm literally swamped in school work. All in all I overcame I did it caught up 3 years in one year while at the same time doing the 4th year. I did 4 years of high school in one year graduated on time and walked the stage with my class. I cried walking that stage getting my diploma. I couldn't believe that I had done it myself, but I did. All was on my mind was I am free, I am an adult now. I graduated high school may 18 2009, at 17 years old. I am now 29 years old and this adult life journey has put me through me far worse ups and downs and now they were much more noticeable. extremely worse than before, as I sit here and type this right now my depression is extremely severe. I do not leave the house unless absolutely necessary. A lot of things i want to do with myself that I know I can do and succeed I just cant. I feel trapped inside my body. I have so many thoughts of going places and doing things but something just keeps me stuck inside for a complete year now... I will come back another day and tell you guys about that.. thank you for being great listeners. Until next time... (notice the way I write is how our conversation would go).. (sporadic) I hope you guys grab my concept.. This all facts of my journey with depression starting from first diagnosis. If you want more of it don't be afraid to show me you wanna hear from me.e3