The Chains of Freedom

So I guess the best way to start all of this is a warning:

The inner workings of my mind are muddied with the constant badgering of what-ifs and the infinite possibilities that exist therein. I struggle to maintain my sanity in the incohesive acrobatics of my thought patterns.

I have always had a deep love for reading and deep hatred towards writing. I idolize the people who crafted stories with characters that felt more real to me than my own family, worlds that I understood better than my own. The countless fantasy and sci-fi books I read sparked a fire in my imagination that cannot be doused by all the seas on this earth. I began creating stories and worlds in my own mind.

I wanted to create a world in the image of my vast and unfettered imagination. I always dreamt of creating worlds that fill my fatuous desires; I wanted to create places I could fly, blow stuff up with my mind, or anything that reality deemed impossible. In a sense, I desired to be God or even a god among many. I would set into motion whole universes, but for all of the ideas that were swimming in my mind, I could never translate them to words. The innocent joy of my creations were plagued by ideations of my own inadequacy.

The shadow my doubts cast on my creative mindset began to cloud my intentions. My ego began to battle with the angst and depression that follows adolescence. My imagination was no longer the bright world that it was. It became the swirling abyss of my insecurities and a dark reflection of the disdain I feel for my current realm of existence.

Was I born into the wrong time period? Was I born into the right one and this is my fated purpose to change the realities that chain my soul? Or some hell created for me suffer the greatest affronts to who I am? Do I have the right to decide what is wrong and right? How can I, a inherently flawed human, dare to believe I am righteous?

The reality that we currently live in is limited by laws of physics that deny my natural inclinations, social constructs that don't agree with my own personal morals, and political systems that drive my heart further and further towards a dark and dangerous cynicism. Although I don't seek a streamlined course through life, every step of my path is blocked with unnecessary obstacles.

Although I've spent my past decade drowning myself in existential dread, I've finally reached a point in my life where I feel like I've gained a modicum of clarity. And my eyes are finally starting to truly be able to see the light again. I'm battling my anxieties with all the effort I can muster and I'm finally moving in a direction that my younger self could respect. No matter the height, no matter the distance, I'm going..

-PF3

Thanks for reading! I'm going to be writing more and more on here. I probably will keep it to one post a week so that I can give the best quality work I can give. Also that way I can get a little more in depth with the topics I write about