The Anxiety Diaries

I'm doing my due diligence during quarantine by sitting on my couch, watching TV, and I decide to text my best friend. I haven't seen her since September, so this text needs to be epic. It needs to make her laugh hysterically and maybe even cry because she misses me as much as I miss her. It needs to remind her of how awesome our friendship is and wonder why we keep letting life get in the way.

"Hey, I hope you are safe and healthy. Let me know if you need anything. I miss you!" So lame. I could have written something better.

You know she hates you right?

My internal monologue barely waits until I hit that send button to chime in.

"She doesn’t hate me. We haven’t talked like we used to, but that’s just both of us being busy. This is just unnecessary paranoia."

Why would you be paranoid unless you had a reason to be? You ever notice how she never texts you first? You are always the one initiating interaction. And how does she respond to you? It's always annoyance.

“If she really didn’t want to talk to me, she could just ghost me. There’s no reason to string me along with half-hearted texts if she doesn’t like me. We are fine.”

The bells ding on my phone.

Okay, then if that’s how you feel, I dare you to not read too much into her response.

"We’re good. Bought in bulk, lol"

I stare at the text for a long time. It seems innocent enough. Right? I guess I might have said a little more if she were asking me that question. I don’t know. Why a period instead of an exclamation point? It’s so formal, like this is a work email or something.

I win.

“It’s just a text,” I reason. “I’m just reading it with my perpetual negative tone, that’s all. It’s better than no punctuation at all.”

A few minutes pass and I start to wonder if that’s going to be the end of our exchange right there. Not much of a conversation. How am I supposed to Segway into us planning a dinner date when quarantine is over?

When you ask her to hang out, doesn't she always say she's busy? And when you tell her you miss her, how many times has she ever said it back? Once you moved, this friendship really died down.

"I'm only a half hour away."

And you have a kid and she doesn't.

"She loves my son."

Does she though? When is the last time she commented on a picture of him? She only asks about him when you rope her into a conversation.

"She wouldn't ask if she didn't want to know."

She would if she feels obligated to be polite. She doesn't like you, she doesn't like your kid. You are a rock in her shoe that she can't get rid of. Let's face it. If you were to stop texting her altogether, she would never reach out to you. She'd forget you ever existed.

That. That right there is the cut that is the deepest. That is the thought that sends me to tears instantaneously. I don't want to believe it, but I know if I really, truly am honest with myself -as my internal monologue often so viciously is- it's true.

She doesn't think about our dinners that went four or five hours long because we were talking so much. She doesn't think about the times we just drove around, or wandered through a store, just enjoying each other's company. I wore out my welcome. I know I did. But how? What did I do that changed the entire trajectory of our friendship to the point where she doesn't like to talk to me anymore?

"How are you" she texts.

My brain explodes. Why isn't there a question mark? Responding without punctuation means you are bothering somebody. It's basic texting etiquette.

Now it just looks like you guilted her into asking you about what is going on in your life when she really doesn't care.

Do I tell her about this existential crisis I've been experiencing over the last five minutes?

Don't tell her what's going on here. She's already annoyed that anytime you talk you are such a downer.

"I'm not always a downer." I realize that's not true, but I also don't realize just how bad it usually is until now. "And as my best friend, isn't she supposed to be a shoulder to cry on?"

Yes, but how much crying do you really need to do?

"A lot, apparently, judging by this meltdown over a simple text."

My internal monologue starts to take pity on me. Look, just calm down. Stop crying. And think of something completely normal to say to her. Stop trying to unload your problems on her like she's your diary. I'm pathetic, even to myself.

I take a few deep breaths as I hear myself say how ridiculous it is that we go through this every time.

"I'm good! Trying to stay busy and reading a lot. Avoiding my chores, hahaha”

Perfect, my internal monologue says. Appropriate punctuation, even throwing in a laugh at the end. Don't ask her anything, give her an out. If she responds, then she still likes you. If she doesn’t, well, then at least you know.

I hit send and I wait. And wait. Oh my God, why doesn't she like me? What did I do? Why do I put myself through this torture every time I send her a text? What is wrong with me?

My head hurts, my heart is plummeting into the pit of my stomach.

My phone dings.

I’m shocked back to life, suddenly. My heart stops sinking.