Survivor

I was 4 1/2 years old when my biological mother and her boyfriend at the time began molesting me. It lasted a little under two years. My sister was born after it stopped, mom getting pregnant by his best friend had ended the relationship and abuse. I had disassociated from the abuse and remember very little of things before we were removed from our mother’s care.

I was fourteen with my first miscarriage, caused by my than boyfriend beating me to cause the loss. Eighteen months later, I was pregnant by him again and I lost that baby too cause of the stress of him cheating.

Sophomore year, sixteen at a party on the last day of school. Drugs put in my drink and than raped by a supposed friend and one of his buddies. I almost committed suicide after the pregnancy scare that came six weeks later.

Senior year, I’m taking eight classes to graduate on time and start using crystal meth to function for school. It’s a weekend and I’m coming down so I crash hard, eventually waking up to my panties missing the next morning. I was raped in my own home, where I should’ve felt safe with my than foster parents.

My first baby came when I was twenty-two. His dad has never been around, I was forced to hide our son from him.

Twenty-eight, another miscarriage. We had wanted that baby. Well I wanted him or her bad. I ended up stressed and my boyfriend said he didn’t want another baby after I was already pregnant, so next came the loss. I was pregnant again a month later, and we had a gorgeous little girl.

Part of me still hasn’t figured out how I survived it all. Then I remember the diagnosis I got at sixteen when the first set of memories came back. The ones from my life before foster care, the ones of my mother and her boyfriend. Disassociative Identity Disorder. It’s like Fort Knox in my brain with all the locked doors. I can’t remember most of it still. Slowly they come back. All the alters have their secrets. Each one slowly releasing them to me. I battle depression and anxiety due to the abandonment issues, DID after all of the abuse, and Borderline Personality Disorder was caused by the abuse plus the abandonment that always happens. My boyfriend now is getting ready to leave me again. Feeling like I’m meant to be alone since no one can handle any of it. Just going to be me, my alters, and my two perfect rainbow babies. What more do I need??