Suffering With Anxiety

It's on our minds, it's in the air, it's everywhere around us. The feeling that we are at a stand still, everyone is stuck on pause - or repeat. No matter what we do, what we try, how we manage, where we go in our minds, it's a part of us - all of us.

If you struggle with some form of anxiety or have an anxiety disorder like I do, then you know exactly what I am talking about. Lately, panic seems to hit at random times of the day without any warning or reasoning behind it. But did you know that no matter how big or small the "problem" is, there is always one reason or another for panic and anxiety attacks?

I have suffered with anxiety for a good portion of my life. You know that feeling when an anxiety attack comes on with the nausea, a distorted view of the world, dizziness, slight headaches, and the list goes on. Then you find yourself on the internet (which half the things you read, you already knw about, but you do it anyways) searching and begging for answers. Pleading for the universe, God, or something to come your way to solve the issue and make it all just stop. You become so desperate that it's almost like a sense of loss and despair takes over. Then, before you know it, you give up searching and distract yourself, use positive self-talk to calm down, or simply try to sleep it off. Well, there you have it, the answer is already inside you. Let me tell you a secret about panic and anxiety - at least that I have come up with...

Anxiety begins and ends with you. Only you. Ya, roll your eyes, but bare with me. Anxiety is always triggered by something. This could be a feeling, a smell, something you watched, something that happened way earlier in the day or even the day before. It starts in our minds and ends with our attitude. Let me explain to you what I mean:

I have had at least one panic driven feeling every day over the past couple of weeks. Today, I experienced one shortly after watching an old episode of Heroes. From knowing what I know about anxiety and my own personal triggers, I immediately thought what did I just watch? I got a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach, I started to sweat, and I couldn't catch my breath which happened in a matter of thirty seconds but felt like an hour. I ruminated in my mind about the episode. I pulled out my journal and wrote down every thought that popped in my head. Once I was finished, I read through it, but it made entirely no sense at all.

Anxious Journal Entry -

Movie was intense. I wasn't even scared. I didn't notice until now. Kids! My auntie is sleeping. My phone won't stop buzzing. It's too hot. I am cold at the same time. Why do I feel so freaked? Why am I having anxiety when everything should be normal right now? What was that sound? My heart is racing. I feel afraid. But there is nothing to be afraid of.

As you can see, my journal entry was all over the place. That's just a sample of what was written. However, I went back and I pinpointed the things that didn't make the most sense. This was 'kids!' 'auntie is sleeping' 'I am hot, and cold.' So, I have a little boy of my own, and over the past few days I have been thinking about the type of mother I am. My son has a half brother, and I had been thinking about what to get him for his birthday earlier today. So, it would only make sense that my subconscious panicked about 'kids!' You see? So, I live with my auntie who is an elder and she is sleeping. Well, sometimes I worry because I know that she has sleep apnea and I am constantly reminding her to take her medication that she forgets. Thinking logically, I remembered I didn't remind her today. So, my anxiety alarms me and says "remind auntie - oh wait she is sleeping - let's freak out." Finally, the hot and cold thing didn't make sense. Well, with me living with my aunt, my son having asthma, feeling hot then cold means that I might be coming down with something. Thinking logically though, hot and cold sweats can be one symptom of anxiety...

Then, the stuff I wrote that did make sense was questions like why do I feel freaked? And, Why the anxiety when things should be normal? Or, what was that sound? When we are in a panic-like state, I find our minds go a thousand miles a minute trying to solve the question. However, all through school we were taught to ask questions in order to solve our problems. Which for us anxiety sufferers kind of works against us - if you know what I mean. Now, two of my anxious questions were part of what's called cognitive distortions. These are anxiety, or thinking traps that your panic mind wants you to pay attention to, essentially trapping you into a spiral of beliefs that aren't always right. In fact they are almost always wrong. There are ten to twelve different cognitive distortions our anxiety tries to trick us into. Now, if you haven't heard of these yet, more blogs of mine to come will discuss the science behind our anxiety. However, one distortion I recognized was the 'should and shouldn't' thinking. First of there is no such thing as a should happen or shouldn't happen. We are always in a situation where what is just is. We can either run from it, fight it, or go with it. Most of my anxiety questions usually start with why. Why this, or why that. Well, why is the sky blue in the summer? Why do houses creak at night? Why is the snow cold? I have noticed in my anxiety journey that if you start taking away the why and replacing it with a how, you will solve your problems a lot quicker. When you ask yourself why, your mind has time to come up with all sorts of silly answers. But, when you ask how, your mind starts breaking down the pieces to actually solving the equation. So, instead of 'why do I feel so freaked?' It's how do I feel so freaked? This puts me in a different state of perspective.

So after all this, I cooled my jets and started coming up with ways to talk back to my anxious journal entry.

Anxious Journal Entry Part 2 -

My aunt is sleeping because she is tired, there is nothing you can do about this. But, I will leave her a note to take her medications somewhere she will see it. That's all I can do. My kids are fine. I only have one, but I have a few days to think about the present for his brother. There is no need to stress. So, tomorrow I will make a list of what I think he will like and go from there. As for your parenting, you are doing an amazing job. No parent comes with a manual. So, I know I am only doing my best, and the only opinion that's going to matter to me is mine at the end of the day.

You get the point. Your 'talk back' journal always needs to be filled with positivity, uplifting self-talk, plans, and problem solvers. For the things you cannot solve or figure out on your own, try creating a worry box and putting those thoughts away for a few days. Sometimes, walking away from the problem is the better route. But, don't worry, the 'worry box' is there for when you actually need to deal with these immediate stressors that eat at your mind. The whole point in a worry box is that you are telling your anxiety brain that you're not ignoring the anxiety thoughts. You are simply putting it away and will come back to it later when you feel better.

Journaling doesn't always work for me, but it definitely helps when I am having an in-the-moment anxiety attack. It helps because I stop searching for answers online and I can actually take a visual look at what's going on. It helps me get out of my head and into my world where I can refocus on things that matter such as taking care of my child, helping my aunt, or just by simply being myself. I think if we all journaled a little more in moments like this, we would all have more time to focus on being the best versions of ourselves. At the end of the day, confidence matters.