Standing as a Warrior

Recently, I was part of a book club through my tribe where we shared the story of Native authors. I read for a living so reading for pleasure is a treat. When one snuggles into a good book, most of the time, the reader is looking for escape. To loft off to another world is what I like to do. Reality is often escaped and off to a mental journey I like to go. As I snuggled into my reading spot with a hot cup of coffee, I was ready to escape my reality.

The book club had four books in the selection. I snuggled in with the first book with anticipation of a few days of entertainment. What happened was totally the opposite experience. Native Americans have had many trials through out history. There were good things that happened, there was bad deeds done and a lot of ugly shown to the Natives throughout history. I know that many of my friends, who are now Elders, can tell the tale of the injustice each of their family has experienced at the hands of others. This book was a Native biography and was indeed the Native story I know personally.

This past Wednesday was Red Shirt day. Women trafficking and abuse in the Native community is the intent for the event. The author did speak well about the abuse she experienced at the hands of her loved ones and community. Abuse, yes, is an issue in the community and I should have had an inkling that the content of the books would mirror my life. This is the life story of many people in this world. Natives are not the only people who have been abused. Young, old, black, white, and yellow people we all can be a victim of abuse. However, this past Wednesday, I stood in my redshirt as victor.

I just reached my Elder years. Yes, I am now 55 years of age and I feel that I am no longer a victim. I am no longer honoring my victimhood. As I stood there in my red shirt with the ladies, I finally let go of that mentality of being a victim. I am no longer letting it control me like it use to. I am a victor now but getting there took a lot of work.

Victimhood looks different for each people. Each person’s experience is unique. I had once read that most of the abuse happens when the individuals are young. Our families are usually the most hurtful. Learned behavior is passed down from one generation to another. The Generational Trauma given to the next generation becomes normal. Divorce, normal. Death, normal. Drinking and drugs, normal. Spousal abuse, normal. Sexual and Mental abuse, normal. Not everyone has all the same experiences and to the same degree of abuse. Each individual responds differently to their interrupted growth development of their youth. For example, sexual abuse victims may become sex addicts, while others become sex reclusive. Victimhood looks differently worn by different people.

At the age of 16 I began my journey. I submitted to rehab for drugs and alcohol. I learned the value of therapy, relationship to higher power, and supportive friends. At the time, I really worked hard on my healing so I could overcome my past. Looking back at that period, my attempts was superficial. Yet, that was enough healing to break many unhealthy cycles. I married at the age of 19 which caused me to evaluate spousal relationship and parental relationship. I wanted healthier happier children than I was. College taught me to love learning and this became very important latter in life. Teaching became a study in leadership and humanitarian elements in development. Total life crash caused a total reset in life at the age of 44. I am sorry to say this, I tried to end my journey then. Loosing all I had worked for was gone, and I just didn’t have enough spirit to move forward. I felt I couldn’t get back up. I couldn’t start over. I wanted the ending to the journey, but I was being brought to the end of victimhood and beginning the journey victory.

After the Creator denied me passage, I knew I needed great help. So, back to Therapy I went. Jill was destined to be in my life. Never have I met a person who could see that I could take on kind of task it takes to heal. She was the fire that fueled my desire to heal. The challenge was brutal at times and she was there to help me process the information. I am going to be real; I was sexually abused. Sex was normal. Sex was love and attention. Sexual addiction was normal. When facing this fact that I needed to face another recovery, I was devastated. Jill was kind and understanding yet supported me all the way. She did not coddle me. Jill would assign readings, requiring journaling, demanded support groups, and called out my bullshit. If I was playing the victim, she taught me what emotions were and how to use them healthy. The Creator put her in my life to teach me how to heal. I was denied passage so I could heal and stop the Generational Trauma trail.

Two years under Jill’s assistance I became a Warrior. I began to study and learn all the parts that make me up. I had abandonment issues due to being removed from my family and placed in a foster home. I really had to take the time and research the negative effects that could happen to my psyche. Even more so, how did that affect me? Once I identified the attribute I was displaying, I planned to fix it and rid myself of that attribute. As I healed, the more that was revealed, and another battle ensued. Research, therapy, support groups became my weapons, and I was fighting for my life. I became a warrior for me.

Years had passed and that darn book brought back some stinging feels. Emotions visit and leave. They come as a whisper that there is another thing to heal. Yes, I believe than ancestors meant for this to happen so I could evaluate the next thing I needed to heal. As I was processing the emotions, I had experienced an angry person who was acting out in victimhood. I also felt betrayal from a loved one and I was wounded. Yet, I set some boundaries and I can protect myself now due to all the work I have done. I am a wounded warrior, but I can still fight like a warrior for me.

I have a history of victory! I have won over many things that would break many. I no longer act and react like I use to. Everyone reacts from time to time, but I will not rage out of control. I looked at the red shirt and thought, oh, how angry that looks. Then I thought, I am angry that major societal issues are not being addressed. I put on my shirt defying the damage, shame, and guilt I carried due to the hands of others. I was a warrior standing besides the others who were willing to take charge and willing to make change.

I am still here. We are still here. Becoming healing Warriors!