​​Speak the F*** Up

Giving slack. Staying quiet. Telling myself, He’s going through so much, I don’t want to add to his frustration. The line he just crossed can be overlooked this one time. Or maybe this second time. “Shut the f*** up”, he says as a lighthearted joke. I ask him not to, but he says it again.

“Shut the f*** up”.

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His mother’s cancer came back. That’s when our relationship started. It was obviously a very difficult time in his life. And despite the way this story began, it wasn’t a bad relationship for me. It was actually a very good relationship, as it was how I learned I wasn’t using my voice to say what I wanted or needed.

I’m going to share a few deal-breakers in our relationship that I looked past. Where I didn’t speak up to say it wasn’t ok to treat me that way. Where I didn’t speak up to say I’m angry or hurt. And how it was my inability to speak up that is the true reason why this relationship came to an end.

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He is a fighter. Not a physical one, but someone who will blow up and get angry when things aren’t going his way or something upsets him. I am not a fighter. I discuss disagreements rationally, calmly and lovingly and hate to argue. However, fighting is just his initial response. Once he’s had time to digest the situation, he can actually have those reasonable and mature conversations that I needed to have.

While we were in the long-distance part of our relationship, we got in one of our normal fights right before I was headed to the airport to visit him for the weekend. For a minute I considered not even getting on the flight due to my frustration with our constant fighting. But nevertheless, I made the effort to fly home for our planned weekend together. After about 4 hours of traveling, I spotted his car in the pickup line. I walked up to the car and it unlocked. I put my bag in the trunk and hopped in the passenger seat. I look over at him to say hello…

He doesn’t even look my way. He didn’t even say hi. He just put the car into drive.

And I swear, the pre-flight fight wasn’t even bad. I honestly can’t even remember what the flight was about. It was just one of our normal, stupid fights.

But he didn’t even look at me. After all my effort, expenses, and missed plans that I agreed to for that trip, he didn’t even look at me. I almost got out of the car and ended it right then and there.

But I didn’t. I kept quiet. I allowed him to ignore me. Why? He was going through so much! With his mother’s illness, with his sibling squabbles, with his frustration for his job, etc. I told myself what I tell myself every time we have one of our stupid fights: He deserves some slack…

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He gets jealous. I once asked him if there was anything I do that makes him feel that way, or anything I can do to help him feel more comfortable. But he said no because he recognizes it is an internal insecurity for him. Which is fine, he’s allowed to have feelings, he’s allowed to feel jealous. But then he acts on it.

He’s stolen and looked through my phone twice. I told him it wasn’t ok. Did I get mad at him for it? No. Although he’s looked through my phone on two separate occasions.

One of those times was when we took a vacation together. We actually were not yet exclusively dating at this time and still long-distance, but we did go on a trip together. That was the time when he found something on my phone that upset him. He found my Hinge profile which was only still on my phone as, again, we were not yet dating. But I wasn’t actively using it at that time, as I was fully focused on the feelings developing between me and him. He found the profile though. And he wasn’t mad that I had it downloaded on my phone. He was mad that I had apparently been actively swiping months ago, specifically because it had been on his birthday. As if, for that day alone, when we were not dating nor spending the day together, I should have had the sense to not swipe as a gift to him.

Instead of engaging in the many reasons why he shouldn’t be yelling at me, I let him get angry and allowed an awkward silence between us for the majority of our vacation week. But, as always, he deserved some slack.

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He is possessive. Often complained how I would prioritize my family over him. How he should be #1 on my list for attention and time. I’ve always disagreed with this frame of mind. And I did share my dislike for his point of view.

When my twin sister visited my family for a month, it happened to coincide with the month I had closed the gap in our long-distance relationship by returning to live in my family home.

During this month, there was a war between my relationship and my family.

I tried my best to appropriately split my time between him and my sister. While my parents understood my desire to see him and the need to establish how our relationship would work living in the same location, my sister was furious that I wanted to spend any time with him at all. (Yes, there are other issues at play here that involve my sister’s need for attention that did not mesh well with the attention needs of him, but that's a story for another time.) Anyway, I tried my best to appease all parties.

Well, I believe he had different expectations for how our lives would be once the distance was cast aside. He seemed to expect we’d be together 24/7. What he didn’t take into account was the following: 1) We did not live together. 2) We both had full-time jobs that required us to be away all day, 5 days a week. 3) I lived with my family who I am very close to and enjoy spending time with. 4) My sister was visiting for one month and one month only.

I wasn’t ok with the pressure he placed on me to spend my available time outside of work with him and him alone. Fighting would always follow on those nights I would choose my family. But I did understand where he was coming from: His mother was not well. His family was struggling. His siblings were distant. And he was watching my tight-knit family fighting for time with me.

Of course it was hard for him. Of course I kept quiet about these frustrations. Of course I gave him slack.

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There are a few, more personal stories I could share with you, but I think you get the gist. What ended up happening was that the slack I gave him each time I should have spoken up about what I wanted or needed, a brick was laid down in front of me. And for each time I let one of these deal-breakers slide, another brick was laid down until a whole wall towered above me.

I ended up asking him for space. I was completely overwhelmed with my frustrations and my hurt that I was nervous to be around him as I didn’t trust that I would stand up for myself.

Although speaking up in those moments of frustration and anger felt like I would add to his pain, I realized how important it was for our relationship and for myself. During the space that I took, I was able to break the brick wall down and see clearly what I needed. So, I ended the relationship.

“Speak the f*** up”, I tell myself now, daily: at work in a meeting when I find myself not contributing, when my sister forgets to ask how my job interview went, when my girl friend cancels our dinner plans, etc.

And speaking up is not just what I need, but it’s what others need from me. In order to develop any sort of healthy relationship (with your significant other, your family, your friends, etc.), you need to learn to make your frustrations heard. Or the wall will go up and the bricks will eventually come tumbling down.

Speak the f*** up.