Shared Thoughts

Growing up I didn’t believe in love. Every relationship I had witnessed, had been toxic, and mental health was never taken seriously. It took me years to figure out what my own opinion was on these topics. It took me years to find myself. Although, I believe we continue to reinvent ourselves, I had found myself before, and will continue to find myself as I grow.

I felt like I always had a good understanding when it came to mental health. I dealt with my own fair share of emotions, and mental health disorders throughout my life. I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, PTSD, OCD and something I read about recently called impulse disorder. I feel like no human is immune to these disorders, and we should normalize that they do exist, but never normalize people suffering, choosing to hide these disorders.

A lot of people are fortunate enough to have access to supportive family members, friends, free therapy, support groups, etc. When I started developing these disorders I was very much alone. Having help is beautiful, and I do wish I could’ve gotten the help I truly needed, but I didn’t. I admire myself for getting through the traumatic events that made me the strong, smart, resilient woman I am today. The woman that can cry an ocean of tears at night, but wake up with fire in her eyes and faith in her heart. I’ve always known I’d get what I wanted in life, because if I can get through what I did all on my own, wiping my own tears, picking myself up every single time... I know I can achieve whatever I set my mind to.

I love the thought of love, but I wasn’t always like this. I grew up thinking love was a lie, and all relationships were unhappy ones. It wasn’t until I turned 20 that I really started believing in love again. I’ll share my thoughts on how much parents affect their children’s lives in another piece of writing.

My eating disorder had been a binge eating disorder, and I always felt horribly after I ate. Always worried about the weight I’d gain, and how my body would look because of every single meal I ate. It wasn’t until recently that I saw a change.

Heartbreak. My heart broke, and so did my desire to eat. I felt my heart drop into my stomach, and it’s been there ever since. Do you think heartbreak is a mental disorder? I think it is. It affects every bit of the body. My heart aches, my head is foggy, my stomach is twisted, my eyes are burning, and my whole body is tired. Do I deserve this pain? No. Does anybody deserve this pain? No. Do we live in a perfect world? No. That’s why I keep my head high, and my feelings on the down-low. Not everybody deserves to see that side of me. I don’t mind sharing my experiences, but I will not show my face as I break down. You will only ever see me after, with a smile on my face and speaking of my experience as it has become one of my past.

You can’t completely reinvent yourself overnight, but you can improve bit by bit, until you’re somewhat satisfied with who you’ve become. We’re never done working on ourselves, so start now, and stop never.

Advice: Although we feel heartbreak, we should never let our fear hold us back from giving and receiving all the love we deserve to give and be given. We grow off of love. Self love. Loving others. Being loved. Give and take. Drown in love, and then pour your love onto those who deserve it.

A heartbreak is only as bad as we make it. We can either cry all day, and all night and go into a state of deep depression, or we can cry to release unwanted emotion, and continue to work on ourselves. Don’t let a heartbreak destroy you. Have more power over yourself, than others have on you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts! Hope you enjoyed!