Setting Guilt-Free Boundaries

Boundaries are not intended as a sole mechanism to avoid people pleasing, trauma, confrontation, and/or discomfort. Not all boundaries are healthy. Healthy boundaries send out a powerful message to the world that you truly care about yourself. That you matter. That you are putting yourself first - even if it is only for a change to begin with. That is a powerful start. That is the ultimate level of self-care. This is not a luxury in this stone age. This is a necessity. Then again, rock music group Nirvana (adequately put) sang out loud to "come as you are."

"You cannot serve from an empty vessel." - Eleanor Brownn

In order to be of service to other people, whether it is through running your own business, working for someone else (whether you are paid for such, or you are a volunteer); or contributing to the household to name - as well as helping out someone less mobile or fortunate; you need to fill up your own cup or tank first. Then again, every safety demonstration while travelling in an aircraft tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. The latter act is a healthy boundary in action if it comes to the crunch, where crisis points can be a matter of life or death above ground by at least 36,000 feet. Serving from an empty cup (metaphorically speaking of course) leads to stress, overwhelm, burnout, anger, and frustration. All of these attributes are negative emotions that lead to limiting and toxic belief systems, that lead to addictive and self-sabotaging behaviours, leading to the ability to people please more and more - where you are stuck in a conscious and then unconscious loop of saying yes to others and their demands, and no to yourself more and more.

I get it. Many people who we rely on for our livelihoods such as bosses and clients can be overly demanding. And bills have to be paid. With these people, some compromises might be needed, yet the time will come where you will have to say no to extra demands such as unpaid overtime, in order to keep your peace in a guilt-free way, in being a better worker, and ultimately a better human being. You do matter, more than you care to realise. Everyone has a contribution to make, for the sake of their own mental health, as well as the mental health of others.

Guilt is not about doing anything wrong in this context. Us humans naturally feel somewhat guilty when we do something/engage in a task that is foreign, fearful, scary, and uncomfortable.

When you carve out some quiet time (even if its only for 5-10 minutes a day - every minute counts), and your cup is adequately filled; as a by-product your boundaries find a way of converting from something unhealthy to being guilt-free and healthy. Your body is always keeping the score, even when it comes to your mental health. Saying no to something nourishing for yourself to pave the way for an addictive and unhealthy boundary to surface (for example, using that time to harm your body through drugs) is counterproductive. Say no to the circumstances that no longer serve you, in order to make room for, and to say yes to opportunities that fill up your own cup is the epitome of setting and enforcing guilt-free boundaries. It is more than a-ok to ask for a vacation if you have proven your results at work, hitting your set targets and KPI's again and again.

In life, we can never please everyone simultaneously. We are all different. We all possess different values, circumstances, personalities and life experiences at any given moment. This means that you are going to irritate at least one person along the way, and that is fine. That feeling too shall pass. Just because someone else on the team stays back at work while not getting paid as a badge of honour, does not mean that you need to do so. You can easily prove your worth, value to the company, and your levels of productivity, all without needing to stay back unnecessarily. At the end of the day, demanding people are not the greatest at setting their own boundaries without any strings attached. If you need an evening a week to study/attend lectures (for example); communicate that boundary in advance, so that it does not feel like you are walking on eggshells to leave work a bit earlier that day as a result, week-after-week. If this has been negotiated with your boss or client, then all is home and hosed. Put that outcome in writing, and that way any guilt can be left at the door.

If you prefer a quiet evening, and someone in your life (regardless of the level of the relationship you have with that specific person) asks you out for drinks, and you do not want to go; you can simply say "no thank you" or to be more polite, without telling a story while enforcing your guilt-free boundary; simply say "thank you for thinking of me, yet I am not available to come with you on this occasion." No BS. No hard feelings. Whether you drink alcohol or not, that does not matter. You are protecting your peace by choosing your guilt-free boundary of having a quiet evening at home, ideally to re-fill your own cup for the sake of your physical, emotional, and mental health and wellbeing. You do not owe an explanation to anyone. One of the presuppositions of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is that having a choice is better than having no choice. On this occasion, you chose to have a quiet evening, rather than going out on the town, and who knows what an adventure that would be or otherwise. Nothing wrong with FOMO every now and then. Life is already challenging enough.

Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is tricky at first. It is like writing with your non-dominant hand, until the pen rightfully returns to the dominant hand. It takes courage, bravery and resilience to be true to yourself, from a world that expects more and more from you. It does not matter what the economy is like. There is nothing more satisfying than enriched joy and happiness (at the end of the day, this is what us humans want and yearn for over and over) when you stick up to yourself to bullies or demanding people in general when you choose to respect your boundaries, and hence use that time gained for the greater good for yourself, and then ultimately for other people when you can serve them from a full vessel. This is so important, as too many people (I would bore you with statistic after statistic right now) are miserable and burnt out right now, all from either not knowing when to say no at the right time, and when to set the right boundary/ies at the right time. It is an art, more than it is a skill - just by being present to your own needs.

You will know that you need a bit of work on this (in setting your own guilt-free boundaries) when you are always tired, and you begin to feel depleted by taking on someone else's pain. It pays to be compassionate and kind, but not at the expense of you burning out and people pleasing, in tandem with setting unhealthy boundaries that do not serve you, and that ultimately may not serve the other people involved in a common goal or pursuit. Remember, you are not responsible for other people's issues.

It can be commonplace that others around you do not want you to feel their pain and suffering, when they are going through a difficult time; yet as emotional and connected beings we do have empathy. It is not being compassionate to say yes to something for them at the expense of such affecting your own boundaries - which are also goals that you have set for yourself, and systems you have set in place for your success. It is ok to offer them a counter offer for when you are able to help a loved one in need, by suggesting another time, day and/or place for when you are truly free and present to be with them. Going to the movies in between shifts on a work day is nowhere near as relaxing as going to the movies on your day off, without the added time pressure. Enforcing healthy, guilt-free boundaries as an act of gratitude for yourself and your life is no different to the above-mentioned movie analogy.

If you wish to perceive your guilt-free and healthy boundaries as rules, then that is fine too. This can (for example) come down to the clothes you choose to wear for different circumstances. Or that you need to paint your nails twice a week no matter what. The latter is still a boundary of yours, and doing something all in the name of feeling good is healthy. And it should be guilt-free. Why? Because you deserve to paint your nails and eat good food rich in nutrients that was grown in the soil for your enjoyment, for example once again.

Clear communication is prevalent. People pleasing is a poison, a pandemic of its own right. Communicate more and do business, help, and be with people who respect your boundaries. That builds connection, stability, and happiness.

The song of the day is a reminder about what you want others to see and to not see about yourself, which is significant when it comes to setting healthy, guilt-free boundaries in this world. Uninvited by Alanis Morissette - a 90's classic, yet ever so timeless, raw, and emotional. Enjoy: