S.A.D.

My alarm had gone off twenty minutes ago and here I still lay, staring at the little black book on my nightstand. It was Thursday that it came into my possession, and now on day two since our introduction it has haunted me with a perverse fortitude. The first night I left it on the kitchen counter, tossing it down with a slap and a two inch slide, the annoyance of it feeding my desire to see it as nothing significant to my life. However when I woke Friday morning it was there to greet me, questioning me as if I had forgotten the day before. There was something teasing about it that morning. But this morning, this morning it was being arrogant. I rolled over, turning my back on it and abandoning it for my morning routine.

Every Thursday at 3:00 pm was my session with my therapist; Dr. Susan Meiers and had been that for the past year. Every session she took notes on our talks and in an hour I was done and heading home. It was not something I had wanted to do to begin with. It was something as simple as a routine medical questionnaire from my doctor that red flagged me. Simple ear ache turned into a referral to a therapist.

“I’m just an introvert.” I defended myself as she told me I have Social Anxiety Disorder. And would further explain I sacrifice my own personal joy and I repress emotions for fear of what others will think of me. I had been seeing her for a while and honestly wasn’t sure outside of talking, what her intentions were for me and in some moments I often wondered if I was just a paycheck for her, as we never discussed anything compelling but rather the mundane everyday life. That was until finally she handed me the little black book. Inside it was a list of things for me to do, to do in public and around others. It was a long list that she had come up with on her own after talking to me for a while and learning about all the things I do or rather don’t do.

When she handed it to me I glanced through it and saw how absolutely ridiculous it seemed; and I simply replied “I’m Fine, I don’t need this and I am too busy for these types of things.” Yet I left her office carrying the annoyance awkwardly by my side. In a roundabout way she had basically dared me into completing some of the tasks, a challenge I was trying to ignore for the childish antics that brought it.

“Fine” I said out loud, “I will do a couple stupid tasks today.” I opened my closet door to find something suitable to wear for around town. I looked at my new shirt I purchased last summer, never fully worn with tags still on it. It was red, gave me good color and fit perfectly, but was bought on the whim, I knew I would never wear it, the color was too attention seeking. It was a very nice shirt, but just not appropriate for my day to day life. I settled on a basic blue shirt and black slacks. No, not the black slacks, they would seem too dark overall with the blue shirt, people would see it as a cry for help or depressing. So the tan pants with the blue shirt. This will be okay; I am not trying to showboat in any way wearing this.

I walk over to where that little black book was sitting and open to the list. Some I had to laugh at, Drive on the express way was one, I could do the 90 mile ride on paved back roads to my mother’s house and never have to deal with traffic, Susan was kidding herself like so many others thinking the express way was the better option just because it was faster. I rolled on through the list, go bowling, go swimming, see a concert, go to a game, karaoke…The list went on and last thing I needed was carpel tunnel from a bowling ball. I decided to settle on Buy a drink from Starbucks. They had opened a location in our downtown district a little over a year ago, so it was in walking distance.

So I walked the four blocks from my apartment to the downtown district. Walking into their store and waiting in line I could glance at their menu above. Ugh why did I pick this task, I hate coffee, everything about it. I never drink it, ever. I could order a tea, but who goes into a coffee shop and orders tea?

The line moves up a space.

Hurry up and decide, so you are ready and not holding people up behind you. What if I just bought water, an overpriced bottle of water? I could have bought a cheaper one at the gas station I walked past on the corner. If someone noticed they would think I am an idiot or irresponsible with my money. A muffin right there on the counter, I could have a muffin. No, they are loaded with sugar and carbs, I already look a little plump and could lose some weight, oh look at chubby getting the diabetic muffin.

The line moves up again. I am feeling warm.

I should just ask for the tea, but the last three people have asked for Venti somethings. My turn, “How can I help you?” I panic; all this time and I don’t know what I want, I don’t want anything, I hate coffee, but they offer tea, and other drinks. “Large Coffee. Black” I respond. “You want a Venti black” they respond back. Panicked I did it wrong, I was incapable of a simple drink order, “No, I have to go.” And I turn and walk out of the store. My heart is pounding. I feel warm and a flush of heat radiating over me. My eyes start to hurt like pressure is squeezing in on them; I breathe, pull out the little black book and cross off “Starbucks” from the list in the book, ‘not everyone likes overpriced coffee’ I write next to it, and head back home.

The next morning I woke and found myself loathing in ridicule and embarrassment from the previous day. “Do not over think, but understand why and correct the thoughts” Susan would say to me as we discussed certain aspects of my life, and in particular why I do not engage in common human ventures. This little black book and the hands on experience it was giving me was providing a clearer picture of just how reliant I was on my isolation and as I hated to admit it, just how right Susan was.

I completed busy work at home for the morning hours and occasionally took a break to open the little black book, skim the list and return to another household chore. By noon I was getting hungry. Today I usually put in my grocery order to have it delivered. But in that little black book, it was on the list, go grocery shopping. I hated the store; hated the lines, people walking slow in the middle of the isles, seeing people you were once acquainted with, not being able to find anything, and I read that there are perverts out there that get gratification in crowded stores, by accidently rubbing up against you. But I was out of food. I was hungry. I look on the list. I could go to this small pub Susan wrote in here to eat, and then get groceries. Maybe that would be better, not shopping while I was hungry; and I have never had a correct grocery order since I started home delivery. I grab my keys and head out.

Driving through town was easy, traffic was always the same and parking was available everywhere. The pub in question was a downtown favorite, small little sports bar, quiet and always spoken of for their good food. I go inside and take a seat in the back corner where the smaller tables are. Nervous about eating alone, wondering if I seem odd or what people will expect of me eating alone, but as I looked around I noticed it was slow, a couple alone men at the bar, a young couple far away on a date and me, in my corner. The waitress comes over with chips and salsa and places them on the table with a menu. “Would you like a drink?”

“Ice tea, unsweetened” I respond back, little crackle in my voice. I feel warm, anxious. She walks away and I feel relieved. I ordered my drink. Looking at the menu I knew I wanted a burger, a big juicy cheeseburger with fries. But what if it was too messy, oh god order a salad what will people say watching me eating a big sloppy burger. I could just picture the looks of disgust, over the mess, the lack of concentration on my health. What about chicken strips, less messy but fried food was fattening right? And chances were they would be cooked in grease that fried fish today, I hated fish, and that is what it would taste like, fish. But I really want the damn burger!

“Are you ready to order or do you need more time?”

Panicked in causing her any frustration in my inability to order I look at the table, “Just a little more time, so much to choose from.” I respond quickly to push my nerves out.

“No rush, take all the time you need.” She began to walk away and I was going to ask her what she recommended, but I knew I wanted the burger I just needed the time to gather the will to order it. “Miss” I say to her just as she turns back. Panicking, not ready to order that burger I pull the pencil and little white and red paper from the holder. “How do I do this?”

“Keno? You've never played?”

“No.” feeling stupid but sensing from her she was more than thrilled to show me. She explained everything and told me about the game I could enter now and the costs. I put in for six games. This would give me time to say to her “Cheese burger and fries.”

“If you miss track on the screen, I can check it for you when the round is over.”

Twenty minutes goes by, and then a large group of people come in, loud and laughing and clearly close as they poke fun and make personal jokes. My waitress comes back, “Just thought I would see if you are ready to order before we take this larger groups order.” Panicked now, they could all see me, see what I would order, I thought I was ready, I was ready then they came in. Looking for distraction I ask her to check my Keno game. Maybe I would get the money back I spend on it, if not it would give me an excuse to back out, like I had already eaten and leave.

She runs my numbers, and I hear her, shouting, “You won!” She repeated it over and over. I was a little alarmed when I realized it was towards me. “You won $20,000!” she shouted to me. I was dumbfounded, alarmed, and had a rush of emotions. But as I looked in the mirror reflecting off the back of the bar I saw my face. I was holding back my excitement because I was scared of my own actions or rather how others would perceive them. I could hear thoughts whispering to me, ‘jump for joy and they will see your ridiculous face and annoy them with your obnoxious behavior’. This is ridiculous I thought to myself. ENOUGH!

“I’ll take a cheese burger and fries.”