Putting A Person Together

Welcome! I've spent the last ten years allowing depression to damage every aspect of my life and I've had enough. I've decided to record evidence in my own words that I can put my shit back together, and I'd love if others got something out of it too.

So since this is my first post, I'm afraid I must go into a little background - just the bare bones - for context. I'm sure I will reveal more details in future posts. Please bear with me as I delve into ten years of depression and anxiety.

Since the last few years of high school I've struggled with my depression. It has taken a toll on my physical health and stamina, on my hobbies and interests, on my relationships, and on my ability to function as an adult who can take care of herself. Depression stopped me from writing, reading, from going out with friends, from holding down a job, from brushing my teeth, exercising, and even doing chores. I still live at home with my parents - not uncommon these days - but I feel terrible for my failure to contribute to housework, to the financial needs of the household, and for distressing my parents with my declining health.

But until recently, despite multiple efforts (some more successful than others) I seemed powerless to actually get my shit together. It was one thing for depression to get the best of me from time to time, but this had been going on for near enough ten years, and I was nearing a very dangerous place.

Fortunately I have a supportive mother, an excellent therapist, and they finally got me onto a medication that was enough to get me at least thinking about my future again. That was about three months ago now, and I've slowly begun to take small steps forward. And because my depression likes to convince me I've never succeeded before, I thought I should make a record of it. I'm hoping to film short videos too, as extra reinforcement, and maybe to help other people feel motivated too, but for now at least I'm writing again - even if it's only a personal journal.

So far, I've finally cleaned my room up - and rearranged it. Finally replaced my childhood bunk bed with a double. Sure, it takes up a lot of my room, but it makes such a difference to my sleeping, and it's opened up my room too. I'm starting to decorate properly. I've put my clothes away in my wardrobe - though I still need to go through and dispose of clothes that don't fit anymore. They won't be motivation for me to lose weight if nothing else can do it, so they're just taking up room. I've started showering much more like daily than I was. In fact, I'm showering now, not wallowing in a bath. I've got dentist appointments lined up! That's pretty scary. But now I'm brushing my teeth again. I downloaded a habit tracker, and I've tried eating fruit on occasion.

These are all small things, things I'm generally embarrassed to admit have been a problem for me. But they're big changes to me! I hope to start building an actual life. I want to try so many new things, and I want to actually do it this time! I want to write something I'm proud of, I want to move out, I want to move overseas, I want to get paying work, take up new hobbies, meet someone and you know, actually date someone for the first time. This is just the beginning and I'd love for others to join me in this journey - but if not, that's okay! I wish you all much luck with your own battles.

Best wishes,

Lyndsay