Pretty & Motivated

I am a 15 year old girl who suffers from post tramatic stress disorder among a few other mental illnesses and this a piece of my long story. When PTSD comes up people think about military dads that come home changed, broken, but it can be so much more than that. In my short life I have lived I’ve made it through being molested and raped, physically and verbally abused by the people who I called my parents. Watched drug deals and angry people. Heard sirens and called the rescue teams to help save the ones who were supposed to keep me safe. Parents aren’t supposed to tear you down and scare you, but sometimes kids can be placed in the wrong hands but I can tell you right now there is not one stuggle in your life that you can’t find a healthy solution to without enough knowledge. Knowledge you can gain from reading and researching, become familiar with your demons and tame them. This disorder isn’t always easy to cope with, it’s hard to focas on school and boys and making it out of high school with the rest of my graduating class to be a role model to the 4 younger of my 5 siblings despite not knowing where I’ll come up with the money to pay for drivers ed. or college afterword. But that’s just a part of life and we can’t just sit in self pity because you will get stuck there. I try to breathe when I start shaking in class trying to forget a scary thought that pops into my head when I see a guy with a hat or a pair of purple pajama pants some girl is wearing or even just a soothing lamp in the guidence counsilors office that brings me back to these horrible times and almost sufficates me in the memories. How am I supposed to read about World War I when I got World War III’s beginning on my mind? 

I get scared of myself and everyone tells me I’m amazing and I almost forget who I am and what I’m doing here because as much as I am aware right now that all this pain is just the world trying to toughen me up, in those moments you almost can’t control how fast it can switch your feelings toward any situation. Imagine: laughing with your friends and one wrong word and your hiding in the bathroom trying not to let anyone see you choke back the years of tears that are brewing behind your eyes. Imagine: trying to go home and talk about it but can’t because you know there’s so many hurt feelings in your home that any more pressure you add could leave it in broken windows and drywall. Imagine: being really tierd but not being able to close your eyes at night because everytime you fall asleep you’ll wake up shaking with nightmears every 20 minutes. And now, imaigine: helping waking your siblings to help brush their hair so they make it school on time so they can leave and you can shower and get your stuff for your second or third therapy appointment of the week to try and work through all these scary tramas, try to organize them in a way that I understand so I can wake up and feel alive again but continue reliving them throughout the entire process.

     I am not trying to make you feel for me but rather help explain my day to day life and help you understand it is more than a label, it is piece of you that you must learn to live with, you must grow from or you will go on live in the past pains, stay scared and broken until your life is over. This may sound like a threat but take it as a warning, I’ve watched people I love throw their lives away sitting in self pity and drugs trying to escape themselves because they hate who they have allowed themselves to become. Losing their family and people they care about because they isolate making in so no one would miss them as they fade away but I am telling you it doesn’t need to get that far and even if it is there are ways out, families, organization and people who know how hard this life can be but would rather live their dream lives and become the people they aspire to be.  Every single person has that motivation inside them. We all have this drive, passions, something we are working toward. Mistakes our inevitable but that doesn’t mean they are bad, every mistake is a lesson all you need to do is learn it--problem solved. We must use our mistakes as opportunities to become smarter and stronger, each battle is an opportunity to become more resilient and from what I’ve seen the world will be a better place the day we stop viewing this chance some people never even get as an excuse to give up. Growing up I would look in the mirror and find words to describe myself throughout the years but 2 that seem to have stuck with me over time are: Pretty & Motivated. I like those words because we are all made how we are supposed to be and everyone is petty (or handsome) and can be motivated.

 There are many kids I know that do great in school because they do sports or their parents are on their case. I’ve never had the money or resources to get into sports and I’ve never had much of parents to come talk about my day with nevermind nag on me for not keeping my grades up. I love hearing people complaining about how their parents are making them study and do their homework because I know why they’re doing it, I know how much harder it is to just be expected to do it on your own. Over time I’ve found supports to make this easier on me but I thank my lucky stars every night. Through this journey in which I am still riding I have overcome many of my tramas and will continue work to become greater than I’ve known, change my path, create a new one for the rest of you tough cookies out there that haven’t had the easiest upbringing but won’t let that define your future. Think pretty, the pretty that is in your soul. Motivated, never stop achieving your goals, the ones that make you smile as you check them off.  Remember: we are all Pretty & Motivated.