Pattern Identified & Amended

Twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern. This year, I’m taking a compassionate, but honest approach to looking at the unhealthy patterns that I propagate in my life, owning them without shame, and taking responsibility for them. What this looks like in practice is enacting accountability to create meaningful change. Only then, do I feel like I can truly start fresh. By examining the mental and emotional clutter of the past, I can maintain a cleaner future.

I’ve struggled with emotional dysregulation in the last five years and was diagnosed with C-PTSD after a cluster of big-T and small-t traumas catapulted through my reality in 2015. Right now, although it still may be too early to tell, I think that a large cross-section of the US population will be processing the last year of the pandemic as a small-t trauma. There will be some lasting effects based on how the pandemic impacted each person’s individual lived experience. We’ll see some people responding to grief, housing and food insecurity, displacement, physical or emotional abuse, and of course, endangerment – feelings of having their way of life, well-being, or ability to exert control over their lives permanently or temporarily changed. That in and of itself can be considered a loss worth grieving.

Is it possible to inflict more trauma by trying to qualify trauma? I’ve seen friends and family time and time again judge themselves and others for how one should deal with the emotional weight of an event. Peter Levine’s quote comes to mind – “Trauma is not what happens to us, but the absence of an empathetic witness.” To this end, I look back at the events that I’ve experienced, and yes, there were people who didn’t understand, didn’t want to be supportive, and did not give me the space to experience complicated emotions. Unfortunately, these were typically the people who I was closest to in my life at the time. A parent, partners, colleagues. My behavior may have pushed them away or perhaps they simply were not in a place where they had the bandwidth to be part of my support system. I understand, I forgive, and maybe one day I’ll forget. For now, I let it go. Somehow, the people who did provide empathy that had a lasting effect were those who barely knew me – mostly women 10-20 years older than me who are wise and wonderful, and helped me feel seen.

My own personal path to wellness in 2021 is to be that empathetic ear for at least a few of the many who have and will suffer from their own personal trauma. This community and connection is imperative. While I can help others, I also need to focus on helping myself. This is where the negative pattern-breaking begins.

I’m trying not to spread myself too thin. When I’ve done this in the past it’s looked like: commitments, accomplishments, Adderall, schoolwork, parties, alcohol, making art, getting into fights, adrenaline crashes, start-up culture, giving too much, and receiving too little, relationship building, breaking, and intense somatic somersaults. While some of it was well fun, it’s not sustainable, and I know how to curb it. What that looks like, is going in with clear intent, establishing healthy boundaries, and maintaining a routine. Pattern identified - broken.

When people tell you who they are. Listen. In the past, when it comes to romantic relationships, I have had a tendency to become clouded by lust, love, and all those juicy hormones that come with intimacy to see and meet someone where they currently are. If I had been able to do that in the past, maybe some of my relationships would have been saved, maybe some would have been cut off sooner. The only thing I can focus on now is making the future ones more healthy with this increased awareness. I’m going to ask for clarification and I’m going to be more proactive about communicating where I’m at and what I want. I’m not going to assume that I can evolve with someone who doesn’t want to evolve. And, as hard as this has been for me as a determined individual, I’m going to walk away when I need to. I’m not going to sacrifice my emotional well-being and balance for people who show me that they’re not ready to commit. Pattern identified – broken.

Keeping things fresh, I’m going to focus more on fun and joy. This came easy for me in the past when I focused on my passions, and it can come to me again, but as I grow older and wiser, it’s going to look different, and that’s okay. It’s going to look like novelty. Trying something new, and rediscovering what used to bring me joy, without the pressure of needing to succeed. I’m going to approach more projects with a beginner’s mindset. To that end, I’m definitely going to continue my meditation practice, and start writing more prose. Pattern identified – broken.

Oh! Plus I’m also going to eat more high fiber foods and get a rock-hard core.

So fresh, so fun 2021 - I’m also going to respectively refrain from making a bad pun. Pattern identified – joken. I have no intention to stop making bad puns in 2021.