Overcoming mental and Emotional Abuse

Abuse can come in many different forms, Physical, mental, emotional, or even disguised as controlling behavior. No matter which one you have dealt with, abuse is abuse!! there is not one that is more serious than the other. That is what is wrong with society today. For one; abuse is overlooked and silenced, but for two there is the factor of Physical abuse being worse than the others. But little do these people know, usually abusers start out with control then emotional then escalate to physical. Something my biological dad always told me is mental abuse sticks with a person forever. Physical wounds may heal but the abusive words stick with that person for a long time, and they start to believe the things that are being said to them.

I suffered from mental/emotional abuse. My situation however was a bit different. This was not a spouse or boyfriend, or even friend, but my stepdad. My stepdad married my mom when I was 10 years old. At first he seemed really cool and normal. But little did I know as that little innocent 10 year old, my life was about to change forever. It really got bad when I was 19 years old and he found out I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at the time. Which don't get me wrong, I understand being a concerned father and wanting to protect your little girl, but my situation was a whole different ball game.

He then continued to walk into my room and take down all of my crosses and verses that were thumbtacked to my wall. He then said "I was going to Hell," God will never forgive me for this and that he himself was going to disown me. It was crazy to me because he wasn't even a Christian at that time, or religious of any sort. This is really sad to me because that is not God's love at all! He loved each and every one of us more than we could ever comprehend, no matter the sins we have done. He is a forgiving and loving God, not a condemning God. My mom then stepped around the corner and said if you are kicking her out I am going to. I thank God for my mom, she is a mom that loves unconditionally and always had my back.

It started with little stuff like questioning me about everything, digging into my personal life, making fun of my boyfriends, and name calling. For example; every time I would put my makeup on, he would stand at the bathroom door and say things such as "why are you putting so much makeup on?" "where are you going?" "Who are you trying to impress?" "I bet you are going to whore around aren't you!" When in reality I was just going to the store. It got to the point to where my legs would shake and my heart would pound every time I would get ready to go to town. I had to start taking a change of clothes and my makeup bag with me and change in my car. I never realized how awful that was at the time. That was just normal to me.

He loved to fish and he got me involved, I started to really enjoy fishing. Pretty soon my boyfriend wanted to go fishing with me. This should be a fun thing right? Nope! I instantly had anxiety all the way out to our house, when I was going to go get my pole and tackle bag. I knew it would cause him to have an episode. So I had a plan, I would sneak down to the basement and grab the stuff and run out before he noticed. That worked in my head, but he was waiting at the kitchen entrance when I made it to the top of the stairs. My heart sank, and legs and arms began to shake. "Where do you think you are going?" I replied "I'm going fishing with my boyfriend today." he said "Well why wasn't I invited?" "You are never allowed to go fishing with me every again," "I guess I'm not as important as your boy toy." I said "that is not true I just got asked to go fishing with him and I go with you all of the time." keep in mind I am 21 years old at this time. I had my own place by now but left most of my things at their house because I did not have room in my tiny apartment.

I finally got out of there I just sped off with y heart racing while he was still yelling profanities at me, from the porch. I looked through my rear-view mirror and he was flipping me off. Crazy right? all because I just wanted to go fishing, with out him for once.

As the years went on he got a lot worse. My poor mom felt trapped, she wanted out so bad and I wanted her out as well! I was worried about her health. One evening I came home from work and was talking about my boyfriend to my mom, and he overheard and said "let me see what this dip shit looks like?" He then scoffed and said "wow I'm in my 40s and have a better body than he does." Stuff like that would always creep me out. My biological dad never said things or acted like that. It was if he was obsessed with me and every move I made, which he was. Well the situation escalated, he then went outside and picked up a lawn chair over his head. I then yelled in fear "are you going to hit me with that?" he said "Nope I'm going to throw it through the windshield of your car! " I then panicked and screamed for my mom, she hurried outside, and got the gist of what was happening. She tried with all of her might to get the chair from his hands and this just set him off even more.

He then got into his truck and slammed on the gas, my car was parked right in front of him. He then slammed into my car with full force. I remember hearing the awful crashing sound and seeing my far move 5 feet over. I was on my hands and knees screaming. That car was my prize possession. My dad bought me that little 2002 Cadillac, when I was in high school and I haven't even been in a small fender bender before. I remember it started to get black I felt like I was going to pass out. I could not comprehend how all of this started because I was showing my mom a picture of my boyfriend.

I looked at my mom and said "I hope you will finally leave him now mom!" she said "oh I will, I am done!" But long and behold he would threaten suicide every time she wanted to leave. I never blamed my mom for going back, she was scared, which many women are. It does not mean they are weak, and when people say "well I don't feel sorry for them they did it to themselves." That is not the case at all, many women have no clue at first, look at my mom, they were fine for 7 years and then the last 7 were Hell! She felt trapped and some women have their life or their children's life threated, if they leave.

Another year goes by and it still continues to get worse. My heart started to pound every time I would drive out to the house, just wondering what mood he would be in. It would always go into the same cycle, first the manic episode, such as hitting my car, then the "nobody loves me" faze then as I called it the "Eeyore" faze, the doom and gloom, "I'm sorry please forgive me." Then the cycle would just repeat its self like a broken record. That is when mom and I wondered about bipolar disorder. His actions fit this mental illness to a "T" but then he had other symptoms such as narcissism, and many more. He finally went to the doctor to get on medication and at first he was being really good, however that still did not help the fact that mom and I still walked on eggshells around him.

Pretty soon the meds wore off or he decided not to take them anymore. That is when it got far worse. Then my mom finally decided to divorce him no matter what the consequences would be. She was finally done and could not take one more grueling -second with him. He tried the suicide card, he tried saying he would change but mom has heard those words so many times, they started to mean nothing to her anymore. She also stuck with him because she felt sorry for him and in a way, despite all of the messed up things he did to us over the years so did I and that is why we both kept forgiving and forgiving. But enough was enough!

My mom had a sister with two daughters, who were my two cousins. They knew about my stepdad and what he did to us , well so we thought. During the divorce our only immediate family in that town took his side. We were both shocked and heart broken. But they believed the lies he said to them, that is what manipulators do. The crazy thing was, when he and my mom were married he wanted nothing to do with our family until after the divorce, he was welcomed over to their house for dinner and they started doing things together. Then he started befriending the spouses of my best friends, who were in their 20s like me! Nobody could see that it was still a way for him to control us, well in his mind.

As a couple weeks went by he starts stalking me. Showing up to my boyfriends house, after circling by 5 times, then comes up and wants details about my mom, where she is and what she is doing and calling her every name in the book, but I never said a peep. Then it escalated to him chasing me out of bars on foot calling me every name in the book as well. It got so bad, I finally got a protection order against him, signed by the Judge. Things finally started to slow down after that and I finally got some peace and my mom's heath improved drastically. That is what people do not understand, abuse can physically affect you in very negative ways.

I still suffer from PTSD from that man and probably always will, but I have learned to cope with it a lot better. I used to still feel the need to put my makeup on in the car, even after he was gone. It started affecting my relationships because I would constantly apologize to them and always think they were mad at me, when they weren't.

The point I want everyone to know is you are not alone! and there is always a way out even if it feels like there isn't and you feel you are being suffocated. Stay strong and ask for help. I am so sorry that anyone reading this has been, or is in an abusive situation. Always remember these three things:

1. You are strong!!

2. It is not your fault!!

3. You CAN get out of this!!

I have faith in each and every one of you! and remember all forms of abuse is real, PTSD is real, feeling trapped is real, and you CAN do this! thank you all for taking the time to read my story!

Stay tuned to hear how my moms life turned out after the tragedy:)