Opportunity

“You know we shouldn’t be doing this, right? It’s only going to make everything worse.” Still I take another hit from the pipe before getting out of the car. As we walk back in the hospital, nurses have been performing CPR for the past forty-five minutes. Passing through the waiting area, “I will be out here?” I ask in a stating way. With the response, “You might as well come back, you’re pretty much family now.”

As we near the last security doors I can already feel what we are about to witness. Standing in the hallway we’re watching the nurses take turns beating on the old man’s chest. Such a violent act for being a desperate measure to save his life. With each pound to his chest comes a loud thud. Sending his arms and legs up into the air. Then crashing back down onto the stretcher. Between the thudding and crashing sounds I can’t hear what the nurses are saying.

Looking at the old man’s children I understand that they are being told now is the time to make a decision. Though they are well into their adult years. The youngest being a friend of mine. I can see the little kids they once were. I can feel each of their hearts aching and their fears of the unknown. In this moment they’re being asked, “Are you ready to loose your father, say your goodbyes, and accept his death.”

I must be dreaming or they’re playing a bad joke. “What am I even doing here?” Watching the old man and his children life no longer seems real. Everything appears to be fake.

Witnessing this part of Life’s journey was traumatizing, but also magical. It made me cherish the old man’s friendship and the experience of him even more. His departing seemed to be a new beginning for myself.

It’s been a year since the old man has passed away. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. The changes I wanted to make quickly are taking longer than I anticipated leaving me disappointed in myself. I still have the same bad habits I no longer want. I still have nothing to show for my own growth or my progress of living the life I told him I wanted to be living.

The rest of the world is experiencing a pandemic due to a virus known as the Corona Virus or COVID-19. Society has been put on lockdown and told to socially distance ourselves from each other. It just happens to be election year, bringing its own controversy. The government gives out a stimulus check of $1,200 and passes a pandemic relief bill. Distracted with the out side world around and the hardships I am witnessing cause me much confusion. I try to use my stimulus check as a head start of getting to the life I would like to be living. The money goes fast due to making decisions that still hold me back. Such as trying to gamble it with hopes of at least doubling it.

I learn that I have $14,000-$20,000 coming my way due to the pandemic relief bill. I start making many plans of what I could use the money for. Not sure if it is too good to be true. I sit waiting making the same decisions I no longer want to be making. I feel helpless to the circumstances of my environment. I keep telling my self, “You better not waste it. This may be your only opportunity like this.”

I know if the pandemic relief is real. It’s unlikely there will be another chance like this. I want to use the relief money exactly for what it was a relief from a life with many hardships and a start to a new beginning. I’m going to be able to make the changes necessary and have a jump start on my life moving in a positive direction.

Anticipating such a large amount of money I need a bank account. I am still living day to day recycling bottles and cans. The money raised lasts only a day or two, not a sufficient amount to put into the bank. I know I need to get a job to help out the odds of a productive relief benefit.

Finding a job at subway I’m able to get a bank to offer a no hassle checking account. The no hassle means no debit card, no easy access to my money. Working seems to occupy my time in a positive way. I’m able to stop smoking meth and revert back to my stoner ways. Not realizing how tired I’m becoming I feel lazy. Trying to accomplish all tasks while helping customers became frustrating. Life at home is a disaster considering I’m homeless. I am lucky enough to be allowed to sleep on the floor in the living room of mom’s one bedroom apartment.

With twenty-seven days clean of no meth use I relapse. I become so disappointed I couldn’t even make it thirty days. I quit my job and go right back to all the behaviors I had temporarily put down. I feel like I don’t deserve anything if I’m just going to make decisions that would take it all from me.

I try to remain positive. If I can’t just quit the bad behaviors abruptly, then I’ll try slowly making the necessary changes. Keeping my self with limited money I will not have access to anything excessively. I want to teach myself to at least be content with having less. Though none of this makes the disappointment go away.

With out being able to make the changes I feel necessary as quickly as I wanted to. The pandemic relief money was deposited into my account. I become horrified I’m going to waste it. I no longer have a job and still holding on to all the bad behaviors I want to be done with. I begin to panic and start viewing life in such a stressful manner. I feel inadequate even with the money I just received because of the lack of self-control.

I know no matter what I need a job quickly before spending any money. Finding a job doesn’t take to long. With it being the middle of fall, plenty of employers hiring for seasonal work. Still money is going quickly and spontaneously.

Considering I have gone the past couple years living off of little money and food stamps. Now having the largest amount of money I’ve ever had. I am terrified of it being gone and not getting my life where I wanted to be. I don’t want to buy any large items such as a car or an apartment. Since either of those things will subtract a significant amount from my account making it appear like I am blowing through the money.

I finally get a job at UPS for their peak season. Since it was about $20.00 an hour, I figure I was headed in the right direction. With the bad behaviors still occurring going to work routinely once again proves to be difficult. The hourly wage of $20.00 and a bank account with almost $15,000 I become comfortable spending small amounts of money here and there. Yet still afraid of spending any large sum feeling as if I will never see such an amount again.

A couple months go by and I’m still sitting on the living room floor of my moms apartment. On top of it I am not bringing in as much money as anticipated due to my attendance at work. While spending small amounts here and there I look at my account and realize I have spent more money in a couple months than I spent in the past couple years. Still I have nothing to show for the money spent and thrown away out of frustration.

Once again disappointed with myself I’m causing my fear becoming reality. It’s now at the beginning of winter and the peak season for UPS ending. I have a little more than half of the relief money. I can’t believe it. “How is this even possible? How did I spend all that money as well as my hourly wage from UPS”.

Realizing I started to allow myself luxuries I couldn’t afford a year before. With the fear of wasting all the money quickly on higher priced items. I was foolishly letting my money disappear right in front of me. With no one to blame but myself.

Now here I am again with no job and money only going out. I seem to be a waste of achievement. I started with so many plans on how to use the money. I could pay off my tickets and fines to get my driver’s license back. I Could buy a truck to help get myself more work earning back the money I spent. I could buy tools to help complete the found work. I could possibly take a couple college courses to help gain more experience in different fields. I could even go back to my father”s asking to rent a room in his three bedroom house while offering up money already owed to him. I could buy shoes clothes, possibly even a piece of jewelry..

Any of these things will give me some thing to show at least for the money spent. Telling myself “No, all these things are to expensive. Spending money on any of things will only drain me and still keep me from obtaining the life I would like to be living.”

After another month on the floor I can’t take it any more. I had to do something, anything, and it needed to be done quickly. I start packing my things preparing for a decision to be made I feel comfortable with. I come across a little black note book I wrote in several years earlier. Reading it I can’t help, but feel like the me from several years ago wrote this little book with the intent of speaking to the future me. Written on One page “I needed to stop getting high and wasting time asking questions that nobody seems to wants to answer. Now is the time to take action. Put everything I have into achieving the life I so desperately want.”

Reading this I feel amazed I had some how came up with a way to talk to myself through time. Like I knew I was going to need comforting words and a noble plan. I wrote it all down so when the day came I knew it was me who would have the capabilities to save myself.

With that confirmation I go out and find myself another job working in a bread factory. Where we bake bread in the bulk, slice it, and package it using industrial machines. Not even a week a later I am able to find and secure my own studio apartment.

It’s been almost two weeks now. I am still adjusting to being completely out on my own. I feel the stress of adulting knowing I have the responsibility of paying my own rent and bills. I am still stressed about money, but have faith it will work out. So here’s the beginning of the life I so desperately wanted for so long. I thank you Universe, for all that you have blessed me with.