“One day I will look back on this moment and be proud.”

A year ago today, my narcissistic ex-boyfriend broke up with me. At the time, I was miserable. However, it wasn't totally unexpected. I had known since the fourth of July this was going to happen. After a long weekend of walking on eggshells, I left early to work with the family I was nannying. I was so early that I sat in my car and broke down, thinking. "I can't do this anymore. He's going to break up with me today, and I will not allow him back into my life. No matter what he says or does, I am not letting him back in." After I had repeated that in my head for a good thirty minutes, I put on my happy face and went to work. I spent the next four hours exploring and hiking with the children and overall had a fantastic time. At the end of my workday, I was at peace. So, ultimately when it was time for me to return home, I was ready, I was prepared for the fight, I was ready for the ridiculous allegations of infidelity, and I was ready to close this turbulent chapter in my life and kick his ass out of my house.

What I wasn't ready for was him trying to crash my car because "I" was too despicable to sit in a car with for twenty-five minutes. When he walked out of my almost crashed car, I said these words. "Don't you ever fucking contact me again. I am fucking done." which now I know is reactive abuse and was precisely the reaction he wanted from me, but those words were cathartic to me to say. Those were the last words I ever said in person to him. When I was driving home, I knew what would happen. When I looked down at my phone, I knew that there would be 10-25 text messages about how much of a horrible person I was and how I was in love with every man I was in contact with, because clearly women and men couldn't just be friends. For the most part, he gave me exactly what I was expecting, which was more of the same cycle of bullshit. What I didn't expect to get was a beratement about leaving him alone at a waffle house. The exact place he forced me to pull into to let him out. He went on to say how horrible of a person I was because he was probably going to get arrested. After all, he was screaming and having a tantrum outside that same waffle house which was also my fault.

I offered to come get him and take him home, which was met with, "I can't be around you. You disgust me. I should have never given you another chance." I said "okay," which was met with more text harassing until one of his "former" friends with benefits came and picked him up. She was a much better person than I was and actually cared about him. After that, I blocked him. I blocked him on my phone and blocked him on my Facebook, and as hard as it was for me at the time, I did it. I took myself away from the situation.

The following week I tried pulled myself together. But I didn't do it alone. I have a fantastic set of friends and family that I will forever be grateful for. They kept me busy; they were around to listen to me cry and, unfortunately, to listen to me gaslight myself for a little while. The first week was so hard. This man made me believe that I was the narcissist, that I was the problem. During that week, I was struggling with intrusive thoughts about being a narcissist. Until one of my best friends told me, "The fact that you are worried that you could be a narcissist means that you aren't the narcissist. I have known you my entire life, and there is not a narcissistic bone in your body." Her saying that really helped, but in typical Taylor fashion, I had to get multiple opinions, and when I opened up to other friends, and they said the same thing, I felt better. During that week, I eliminated another friend who wasn't serving me and added some old friends back into my life, and with that, I was finally able to feel normal again. It was around this time the universe decided to throw another curveball at me.

About two weeks after this explosive breakup, one of my other best friends and I was chugging away on our new gaming multimedia company called "The Elusive Female Gamer," which is still in the works. Like we had become accustomed to, I sat on her stream and spammed her chat. While I was begging her to play "Drunk Dungeons" with us, one of her watchers chimed in and said, "Wait, like on wow?" I responded, "Yes!" and he said, "I could get behind something like that." to which I enthusiastically jumped on him with an invite to the "Drunk dungeons." After we exchanged Battle.net information, I immediately noticed that his screen name was a shout-out to one of my favorite movies of all time and decided then and there that this man was going to be my best friend whether he wanted to or not. Then I told him so when I returned to the chat. So a few days after this exchange, we decided to pregame drunk dungeons so that his character could be leveled up to play. It was our first vocal communication, and we joked around the entire night. And I remember smiling and laughing and finally feeling normal again, to fast forward to the drunk dungeons. The same thing happened with a bigger group of friends. It was a wild night of laughing and meeting people and talking about games and life, and for the first time in a long time, I was smiling when I spoke, which I thought I had lost when my ex was around, but I didn't, it just took a little hiatus. So, it was a combination of my new friend and my old friends that made the next part of our story tolerable.

Two weeks after the breakup and a few days after drunk dungeons, I got an email from my ex saying all these nice things. Telling me how much he missed me and that even though I messed up, I didn't deserve the treatment he put me through. The problem here is that I didn't do anything wrong. He may see it that way, but before entering our relationship, we talked about things that I supposedly did to him, and he gave me the approval to do these actions. Then mid relationship, he decides to claim he never gave me that approval, but I remember it vividly since we talked about it for hours. One of the most striking lines that he had written was. "I forgive you, so I hope you don't entirely blame yourself or hold yourself accountable." I sat there as I read all of this and thought. "Wow, he's really sorry." and then something hit me like a brick. The memories of playing with my new friend and my other friends. How much I liked the feeling of laughing an entire night without worrying about if my significant other would pick a fight the following day about the men in my life. A scenario played out in my head at that moment, me laughing and joking with my new friend and this ex overhearing us and immediately accusing me of having feelings for this man. I realized at that moment it was either I pick this ex who has proven himself to be abusive or my friends, my life, and my future. So, I re-read the email again with a more critical eye. He was still blaming me for our failed relationship. He took no responsibility for it ending. It was only me that was the problem. So to end it once and for all I emailed him back and explained that he was the problem and that he no longer had any power over me. After listing some angry things I needed to say to him, I wrote this line: "One day, I will look back on this moment and be proud." I didn't fully believe it at the time, but I knew one day I would look back and grin at the email with pride.

That day is today. I sit here a whole year after this breakup, in my new apartment in a new state with my incredibly kind and loving boyfriend, feeling grateful I made that decision to pick me over my abuser. I am grateful that my new friend came along because not only did he help me become me again, he showed me what a healthy relationship was. Whether it was fate we met when we did or chance, it doesn't matter because without him and without my friends, I may have gone back. After all, like many other victims' experiences, it's so easy to go back.

These people we call narcissists are manipulative, charming, and damaging, and they make you believe there cannot be a world outside them. I was lucky. I had amazing friends that helped me stay strong, that helped me realize that I deserved so much more, but not all victims of narcissistic abuse have the same outlets. Some have children with their narcissists, some are still married to them, and others have parents who are narcissists and may feel guilty about cutting them off completely.

However, I'm hoping my story may inspire a few to leave. I hope that if you feel isolated, trapped, or controlled, you take that chance and reach out to those family members and friends you've distanced yourself from to cover up your abuse. I hope that once you leave, you find yourself again, I hope that once you leave, you can laugh freely again, and I hope that you can smile again when you talk. Finally, I hope you choose to love yourself again and understand that you were never the problem. It was always them.

-T.R. Hartsock

National Hotlines:

Domestic Violence:

800.799.SAFE (7233)

Narcissistic Abuse Signs:

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/narcissism-and-abuse/

National Alliance on Mental Health Hotline:

1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

Domestic Violence Shelter’s search engine:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/help#?page=1