On Suicide - A Widows Perspective

Start writing... 8 years ago I became a young widow at age 26 with 3 young children to raise on my own after my husband committed suicide. It has been 8 long and exhausting years. In the search to find myself I have stumbled across countless triggers and blows to my self-esteem. I avoided my grief throughout those 8 years only to discover that I can no longer feel emotion and I have lost the ability to show love. This has created a large distance between me and my loved ones. I completely shut down and shut everyone out. I not only have to heal my heart, but I have to heal 3 other little hearts as well. I discovered that I just don't have the time, motivation, energy, or patience to keep up with the world around me, let alone be apart of society. It has been 8 years and I have finally accepted that this is my life. I have to let go of trying to find the girl I once was because its just mentally exhausting and impossible. I have to close that book and start a new one. I created a video to tell my story because it provides a raw perspective on life after suicide and how committing suicide passes the pain onto someone else. You see, if my husband were to ask for help, I imagine him to be thriving today. He would be so glad that he had chose to stay and see how beautiful it is to watch his kids blossom and grow into their personalities. Instead, he gave up and passed on an incredible amount of deep pain that his children and I will now have to carry for the rest of our lives. It isn't fair that his children never get to experience him. It isn't fair that my children have to grow up without a daddy. It isn't fair that he flipped the ending to my happily ever after. I can go on and on about the things that are unfair to me but that's not what matters most. What matters most is that once someone commits suicide, someone is left to make sense of it.

Please watch my video for the whole story. I have been working on my masters degree in clinical mental health counseling and I will be finished by summer of 2023. I will be specializing in trauma and crisis and advocating for suicide awareness. Throughout my education I have developed my counselor identity and resonated well with the Existential theory. With an existential perspective on suicide and suicide loss you can get through your struggle by finding purpose and meaning. For example, I am able to rise above my struggle with grief and depression by finding purpose and meaning of my own personal life. The purpose and meaning that I have established in my life is that I am here to make a difference. My purpose as a soul being is to use my experience to help others navigate through their struggles. Through the rest of my journey in life I will share my story for prevention and awareness efforts and lend an ear and helping hand to those who feel like they are not worthy. Helping others makes me feel good. I would also like to stress the importance of grieving. You have to allow yourself to grieve. You cannot avoid it. If you avoid it and suppress the emotions it will explode later on in potentially permanent ways. Reach out for help. Learn how to ride your waves and navigate through the dark times. Ill be there to teach you the balance.