A Whiskey Lullaby

Sometimes late at night, the air has a familiarity to it. Like some type of time portal blowing in the wind. Everything becomes so raw in the middle of the night. This familiarity the wind carries reminds me of feeling uneasy… tense…numb…confused. The taste of whiskey brings me to my knees. The taste that lingers, tastes just like you. As I play with the thoughts in my head, the memories… as they dance around… that last one to dance is the whiskey on your breath. Silence doesn’t bother me. It’s the only way I can listen for your voice… whispering with the wind through the trees. This is the only time that time stands still. Listen… I need to say that every once in awhile, I’m not okay. Going through the familiarity leaves me feeling empty. That’s why I can only come visit every once in awhile. The familiarity brings darkness. It’s a dangerous highway. It could swallow me whole. So I must not stay too long…

I don’t have a doubt in my mind that if Cody could take his life back, he would. What he has already missed out on breaks my heart. To think about what he will miss out on as time moves forward crushes my heart. Mostly for my kids. We will carry this grief around forever etched in our hearts. Our children are growing up so fast. Jordan was a daddys boy. He was six years old when Cody passed away. They watched football together all the time and Cody would express how excited he was to see his boys play football in school. Now Jordan is fourteen years old! Oh boy would his daddy be so proud of this young man. He’s the MVP on his football team. He has made soooo many touchdowns! So many touchdowns that I imagine Cody on the sidelines celebrating and yelling Jordans name. I know he would be Jordans biggest fan, other than me. Now Christopher is eleven years old and he is also very talented in sports and I know his daddy would just love this. His little girl, Deyjah, is almost thirteen years old and has grown into such a beautiful young lady. I often wonder how Cody would handle his daughters attitude if he were here. One thing that I often think about that breaks me is thinking about Deyjahs wedding. Cody misses the chance to walk his daughter down the isle. Or try to chase away her boyfriends. We were supposed to do this together. When I said my vows on our wedding day I truly meant that I wanted to and I would stick by his side through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. My vision of raising kids with him and one day becoming grandparents together was wiped away. I think by now the word “unfair” is an understatement.

Grief disrupts the identity. It has been 8 years since that tragic night. I spent those long years trying to find myself again. At first I tried to convert back to who I was before I met Cody. I used to ride on my skateboard at the skate park all the time so I went out and bought me a new skateboard and went to the skate park. It turned out that I totally lost my balance. The change is definitely the hardest part to accept and go through. Through that journey of trying to find myself again I have never felt so alone. I felt like I was expected to snap back to myself and move on. I couldn’t do that. And believe me, I tried! I wanted the support from my family and friends to let me get through this grief the way that is best for me, and not for them. In that process I lost most of my friends and lost closeness with my family.

I used to have dreams of Cody a lot. Most of those dreams were of Cody telling me I had to choose between him and Michael. I would wake up often feeling so confused and discouraged that I will never be able to move on. It came to the point where I had to mentally tell Cody to stop coming into my dreams. I mentally told him that and he hasn’t come back in my dreams that way again. Every so often I will dream of him again but it’s one of those dreams that I can’t really remember the details, but I just remember his presence.

About a year ago I decided to quit looking for myself and just accept the change. I had gone through those years of training my mind to think positive. I finally allowed myself to move forward. I started to feel the feeling and then let it go. Time. It took some time. Through that time I learned a lot about myself and a lot about my family and friends. I learned the damage I was causing on myself by holding in my feelings and not releasing them. I learned how to be a better momma. I learned how to grow from my trauma. I learned how to ride the waves like a pro. I learned that it’s okay to not be okay.

The thing that I struggle with the most right now is anger. I get this anger emotion every time I see my kids miss their dad. I get angry because he should be here for them. I could not imagine the pain they feel and I would take it away from them if I could. They were so young when they lost their dad that there aren’t many memories that are left behind. My oldest remembers a few memories but does not remember the way his daddy sounded. My middle child does not remember much at all about her dad. My youngest has recalled tiny details that he can’t quite put together but when he tries to tell me about it, I know what he’s talking about. My youngest was the only one awake the night Cody shot himself. He was laying in his bed the whole time, but he heard me. He heard my cries, screams, panics, and could see me from down the hall losing my mind. I have so much anger against Cody now for leaving his kids behind and causing them a life long amount of pain to carry around.

I wanted to write this book and get my story out there for those who might be walking in the same shoes as me. I want you to know that you are not alone. It’s unfortunate that some of us have to endure such a brutal heartbreak like this, but it’s what our cards have played out to be. You can turn your pain and tragedy into something beautiful. I decided to not let my grief define me or control me. I will define and control my own grief. I will take my grief and use it to help others out who are new to grief or are struggling in their journey. It’s not fair and it never will be fair. We can’t sit here and dwell on the past. We have to get up and get moving. Life keeps moving forward, whether you like it or not. Death elects the weak minded. The strong fight a courageous battle and live to not only tell… but to inform. Keep that in mind. You are loved. You are needed. You are wanted. Stay.

My dearest love. If only you knew time got better. If only you would have stayed you would see that life was only beginning for us. I have no doubt in my mind that you would be out there coaching the kids with their sports. When Jordan first started T-ball, I remember they were short a coach one practice, so you volunteered to be the coach that day. My little Jordan loved that. I can see you out there on the sidelines of the football field cheering Jordan on every time he made a touchdown. You would straight up be on the sidelines cheering for all your kids. You would probably also get kicked out for fighting with the person calling the shots or keeping the score. If only you would have stayed, you would see that life is worth living and we were worth staying for.

It’s hard to think about what would have been. How my kids would be… Your memory I try not to mess with much because it weighs my heart down and takes all of my energy. The times I do mess with your memory, I push everyone away and become cold. I become fixated on the thought of what we would be like and where we would be. Then I go down a rabbit hole focused on every little detail of that night. How I could have changed it. My mind becomes a mess. So… your memory I don’t mess with…

I started writing this book in January of 2020 and planned to dedicated my whole year to getting it done. I got to chapter four before I was in a major car accident in February, the next month. I was out with Michael, my best friend Alisha, and her boyfriend, one night. Alishas boyfriend was driving the car in a manic mood, running stop lights. He ran a third stoplight and that’s all I can remember. He did not make it out, and the rest of us three were life watched for our injuries. I was in a coma for three days until I woke up. When I woke up the first words out of my mouth were, “Where’s Cody?” I’m not sure if I was confused or if I had a spiritual encounter with Cody that I can’t remember. I can tell you that when I woke up I felt like I was at peace. I felt like my grief settled. I felt like it was okay for me to move on. I felt like I was given permission to love Michael. Whatever happened during my coma, mended my broken soul. Of course I still grieve, but most of that I noticed is triggered by my kids. When I look at my kids, I feel deep sadness and grief for them because it simply is not fair to them. I will forever miss Cody. Now that I can move on I can focus on my children and guide them to a happy life. I can focus on this life right now. With Michael. I can finally let go.

The End!