Ode to Sleep

My goal for the new year is to cherish my sleep, and I mean really cherish it.

I want to be that person that says, “ah I’ll hit snooze again” and go back to sleep for a few more minutes of peace.

Right now, sleep is like an annoying illness that rears its ugly head whenever it feels like it.

Suffering from both insomnia and sleep paralysis, it makes my nights a living nightmare.

My insomnia is constant. Every night, I am staying up too late just to get up too early the next day.

But I can’t force myself to sleep any earlier. I have to wait for sleep to come so forcefully I knock out instantly.

My partner is normal. They can go to sleep at a normal time, sleep soundly, and wake up well rested.

Yet here I am, tossing and turning and turning and tossing with no luck. I am an amateur contortionist trying to find the most comfortable position for my body to finally give in to sleep.

I have built up such a tolerance for sleep aides that I have to take an ungodly amount of any medication just to get it to barely work.

Once you add sleep paralysis into the mix, it becomes nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep.

For those that have never experienced sleep paralysis, be glad. Does anyone actually like experiencing a nightmare all the way through and not waking due to the sheer terror? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Yet, that is what it is like for me and my sleep paralysis.

Imagine having to face your demon (literally) head on, and your body is frozen and unable to move anything, let alone close your eyes.

No, you must watch. You have to lay there and stare at your demons, with their black void bodies and their sharp teeth and beady eyes.

And there is nothing you can do about it. You can only watch in terror as it comes closer. Closer. Closer. Closer.

Then it’s gone. In an instant, you shoot up and try to catch your breath the monster took from you.

What’s worse, is you’re expected to lay back down and go back to sleep as if nothing had happened. As if you didn’t just stare into the eyes of hell with no way of escaping.

It is hell, but there are ways to alleviate the problems. A great mattress can truly make a world of difference.

In the past, I have had memory foam beds, and those were the best nights of my life. For that brief time, all my demons and angst and insomnia melted away and I drifted so carelessly into sleep.

Not to say my bed now isn’t comfortable. I mean, sure it is. But it’s well-worn and well-loved and has begun to show its age.

Take a new mattress out of the equation. How do I get a great night's sleep on whatever bed I please?

I hope somebody has the answer because I have yet to find it. I am constantly searching for new medicines, new remedies to help my body learn that sleep is a friend.

Sleep is not something to be feared. Sleep is a long-lost friend embracing you in a hug that hasn’t been given in 20 years.

At least, that’s how it should be. Did I mention I have parasomnia as well?

Parasomnia is a condition in which most (if not all) of your dreams during REM sleep are nightmares. Inescapable, terrible, terrifying nightmares.

There is no way to avoid it, and when you pair that with insomnia and sleep paralysis, it is a recipe for disaster.

I am in constant fear of going to sleep, because I know when I do it will end with me waking up in a cold sweat, and nobody wants to sleep in conditions like that.

Despite all this, I still want to have a great night's sleep. For someone like me and all I have wrong with me, that is no easy task.

I am hoping that one day in the near future, I can look forward to sleep. No more staying up too late even though my body is screaming for sleep.

I dream of a day when I can lay down and go to sleep quickly and unassisted my medications for other “remedies”, like drinking alcohol.

One day, sleep will no longer be something to be feared, but something to be cherished and never taken for granted.