My truth about PTSD and learning to love myself

My official diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was in 2014. I walked into a Veterans Affairs Hospital and just short of begging on my hands and knees, I cried for help. Of course, PTSD is not an overnight disorder, but it can definitely feel like it. Before I knew it, I was scared to turn on the radio, watch a movie, look at billboard, and even go to school. I went from a fully functioning member of society to an all-out hermit. I would cry myself to sleep, barely eat, then binge eat. I slept most of my days and hygiene--let's not even talk about it.

At that point in my life, I should have been at the top of my game. I was a 23-year-old woman fresh into college. Instead, I was failing classes and questioning my every capability and judgment. Looking back, it was terrifying. I was on my own in Los Angeles. I was just trying to adapt and exist as a normal student but found out very quickly what made me different.

The first 2 years after my diagnosis was confusing. I hated who I was, who I saw myself becoming, and was struggling to hold on to basic relationships. I completely rejected the PTSD. I was convinced that I alone was the problem. I had no concept of what PTSD was or how it could affect my actions, thoughts, decision, and emotions. Even now, 10 years later, experts are still trying to understand the extent of the disorder and its treatments.

Through a collaboration with Rush University Medical Center and the Wounded Warrior Project, PTSD is described on the Roadhomeprogram.org website as:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a series of symptoms that don’t simply go away after a traumatic experience. The most common symptoms include the following:

Avoiding activities you used to enjoy

Avoiding situations that remind you of the attack or other trauma, such as not driving or staying away from crowds

Experiencing feelings of guilt or shame

Feeling anxious or hyper-alert or constantly looking out for danger

Reliving the event through bad memories, flashbacks or nightmares

In reflection, if I had only known sooner what PTSD was, how it affected the brain, and how my behavior had changed-- I would have loved myself a lot sooner. Regretfully, most veterans are slapped in the face with a PTSD diagnosis, asked what type of treatment they want, and then are sent on their way. I would like to say my experience was different, but it wasn't. The biggest factor of my self-healing, care, and love for myself was by the faith and effort of the Wounded Warrior Program and Rush Medical University Road Home Program--but that is another story.

When I started to mentally stabilize is when I became capable of love. If someone is hyper-aware, exhausted from worrying, experiencing flashbacks and nightmares, when do they get to focus on anything else? I think a huge misconception is that most people assume a person with PTSD is working under the same rules of engagement as someone without PTSD. This is a terrible mistake. Let us give a scenario where both a reasonable healthy person and a person with PTSD play a game of checkers. For a normal person one can argue that their performance might be affected by the type of day they are having (stressful, relaxed, rushed), which is a completely normal assumption. Now, we imagine the person with PTSD playing. Before we can even get to question what type of day they are having, let us assume this person is simultaneously cooking dinner, taking care of the kids, and walking the dog. You may say "that's not fair, why would they be doing all that while playing checkers?" Well, you are right, it doesn't make sense, but this is how PTSD is constantly working without treatment. What seems like a simple request can turn into something so much darker. So when I say I needed to become stable before I could love, It means I needed to learn how to tackle all these things in my mind before I could give anything additional to myself or others.

After I began treatment like exposure therapy and individual therapy, the big roadblocks in my mind began to lift. I started to allow myself to love again. With every negative thought disappearing, it was replaced with a more positive one. This process as all about moving and making space in my brain for things I enjoy and people I loved. For once, I got to experience what it was like to not have to think. Spoiler-- IT WAS AMAZING. However, this was not a quick process. It took about 2 years of therapy before I was able to be on my own without a follow-up. The time of peace was blissful. I began hanging out with friends, my grades were going up, I was active again. I felt a joy I had not felt in years, and I was becoming independent once more. I started to love the person who everyone saw me be. I was a young female veteran and a graduate.

I wish I could tell you it was a happy ending. I wish I could tell you that after I graduated and landed a big-time job and it was smooth sailing from there, but slowly and surely, my triggers started to come back. It started with small instances at work... and began to compound with every stressful situation I encountered. I thought it was my job, I thought if I just changed things would go back to "normal". Less than 6 months later, I started to have seizures-- yeah, apparently that's a thing, but more professionally called dis-associative seizures. Through all my treatment and growth I had made a fatal mistake. I had thought that through all this time and effort my changes were permanent, I thought my healing was definite. Boy was I wrong.

It could have been from my lack of understanding, bad explanations from my doctors, or even my complete ignorance-- but it was true, had reverted back to the beginning. Self-hate sank back in, but this time it came with the "why me" and the "just make it stop" thoughts. The love I thought I had for myself evaporated as if it was never really there in the first place. This is when I knew something was wrong. Whatever I did... was doing, wasn't working.

It wasn't until I truly learned about PTSD that I forgave myself. As of now, I am at a 5% blame out of 100% (progress!). Let me tell you, I'm still working on it. To best put what I have learned in a very very large and complicated nutshell is this: PTSD creates beliefs that become so deeply ingrained in our life that you are unable to distinguish them from the truth. When this becomes compounded over the years, and new beliefs grow on top of old beliefs, you are no longer safe within yourself. The only way to heal is to challenge yourself. Cut down the core beliefs which started it all and start anew-- and yes, that is way easier than it sounds.

I took apart in a 3-week Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) through the Wounded Warriors Project. This program all in all was equal to 6 months of individual therapy. The IOP allowed me to finally let go of burdens I didn't even know I still carried. It helped identify self-judgment, self-hate, and even worse self-blame. Once I was able to strip away all these things. I had so much to give. I finally began to love myself fully without conditions. I learned that my PTSD is not a death sentence or a burden, it was how I coped to able to protect myself. I stopped looking at it as a black mark and more as "I did the best I could in the situation I was in."

Loving yourself is not an easy task for anyone. Feeling deserving goes hand in hand with love. When you love yourself you begin to feel you are worth it. When this happens, it can create cataclysmic changes that will cause ripples through your whole outlook on life. Am I saying I am cured and no longer have struggles? No. Am I convinced I will continue loving myself fully into the future 100%? No. What I am saying is this, loving yourself and others take effort. Just like any other disease or mental health hurdle everything takes time and work to progress. If you can turn your progress into an everyday art by practicing positive beliefs and be mindful, well hell, that's half the battle.

For me, my experience with PTSD has shown me things do not come to you without work. Each example of you over coming is one more example of what you can do again. For people to assume it is easy, is straight-up wrong. It is not meant to seem demotivational or negative, in fact, it is the exact opposite. What I am telling you is the power is in your hands. What you choose to do with your life is up to yours. You hold your power, control, and love. It is what you choose to do with it that counts. We hold the shackles and at the same time the key. Will you keep yourself caged, or will you let your self free and learn to love again?