My Mental Health journey

I hadn't realised it at the time but looking back I was an anxious kid – always worrying. Always wanting to do the right thing and be as honest as the day is long. I am loyal, so when I commit to someone or something and I get let down, it is a big drop ever how much effort I put into telling myself to be prepared. All that energy wasted worrying because of my commitment, only to be let down. These days I manage that better by not getting too excited or over committing to something so that in the event it goes wrong then no big deal – I move on, expecting nothing less. As a lot of readers will know, mental health wasn’t a well-known thing for a kid who grew up in the 70's and 80's as I did. You had these thoughts, no-one talked about it and when you were weak you were told off or told to get over it instead of being supported. Men in my family have generally not shown emotion so I have followed suit to my detriment in later life. I was bullied and never stood up for myself – always subservient.

Dealing with a narcissist

I believe all my issues started manifesting to a head about 10 years ago. A very unpleasant Manager, akin to Jeckyl and Hyde, two-faced and a narcissistic piece of work. Destructive and dangerous, she ruined many careers and was allowed to get away with the intimidation for several years before being found out and eventually sacked. She was divisive in never conducting her evil in a group setting, always on an individual basis. Those who were not affected never believed she was capable of such victimisation; further reading suggests my personality type makes me an easy target. She even threatened me with legal action if I ever revealed her behaviour. Her bullying nearly ruined me and eventually went off sick for a month. Poor mental health was not a recognised reason back then to be off sick for, so instead it was recorded as stress. Apparently, I was weak and needed to sort my head out, so I agreed to anti-depressants (which I am on longer on). She also managed to demote me as well. I did survive her in the end, but many had fallen and once she had left, I got stronger to recover from the trail of destruction. At this point I was a shadow of my former self and what amazed me, was how everyone was out for themselves. Everywhere I turned for help at the time I met with barriers as no-one dared to cross her or later, have anything to do with her legacy.

Solace in Union Work

I eventually found solace in becoming active in the workplace union. They recognised that, in fact, I had stood up for my rights, despite my moment of perceived weakness. This they say is probably why I survived in the end as I was 'sport' to her, a worthy opponent she sadistically respected. I kept my head down for a few years afterwards but raised it steadily when working on union duties which was a welcome distraction and gave me a renewed confidence. However, some close colleagues eventually came to resent my involvement. With my own kind they did not approve, even though I thought I was being true to myself regardless of who I represented. Over time, if there was ever an issue in my area of work, I started to be excluded from meetings or managers became wary of me and conversations were held outside of my earshot. I worked for the enemy as far as they were concerned. Whilst I had found like-minded people to work with in the form of the union I was cast as an outsider and was told I would never progress whilst I did what I did even though it is illegal to say this. My involvement in the union started to become an issue and a detriment to my future. My union work had started out as good feel factor practice that now started to have a negative impact on my wellbeing again.

Changing appearances

In 2015 I grew a beard over a couple of months for charity. I shaved that one off but just afterwards I went off sick with an infection this time, the beard came back and it stayed. What is interesting from here on in is how lost I was and felt something was missing. It was like I was living in a script that needed a re-write. It wasn't until I started growing the beard again did I get referred to a Barber whom specialised in beards and from there I got involved in with what I will call my 'tribe'. Unlike the union, these people understood me, had similar issues and looked like I belonged. I pretty much wore corporate wear, a suit and tie but was never comfortable and had always wanted to express how I really wanted to dress not just how someone wanted me to look. So, over the course of months, I slowly introduced my DM's instead of shoes, dropped the tie, changed the suit to jacket and trousers and finally started wearing braces or a waistcoat. At this point I also started to acquire more visible tattoos. After a few years with an already bald head (not by choice), a new beard, change in appearance and tattoos I was now attracting a different sort of attention. Add this new image to my union duties and I became a hotspot for trouble. My Manager at the time thought I was having a breakdown. My personality has never changed, honest and authentic (one of my tattoos says 'Stay True'), but people managed to turn my new lease of life into an issue. Like marmite, some loved it, some loathed it. Bear in mind I have worked in the same place for over 30 years I had people who started to feel intimidated by me. I am far from that, but it is amazing what first impressions can create. I have another small tattoo with the words 'This is Me' from the lyrics of the Greatest Showman, I make no apologies…

Rough with the smooth

During that time I continued to have my ups and downs. I won a union representative of the year award, won a beard competition but also got called a terrorist by a senior member of staff for having a beard. I was told I would never progress in the workplace if I carried on with the tattoos. Oh and a new ear piercing also caused a stir. I also had relationship issues with my son who had caused me no end of angst at the time due to his behaviour. We never saw eye to eye but as a result I did feel inadequate in my inability to manage the situation. Instead of dealing with it to avoid conflict, I internalised it and that manifested in anger. Whilst it was a sore point I recognised that resolving this issue could unlock some of my depression. I had a few more spells off due to poor mental health as a result. I also rely on validation a lot, I need encouragement I am doing the right thing and to be told it is okay not to be okay sometimes.

Find your tribe

My Barber friend formed an all men's group that I joined. We meet and meditate, hold a safe space to share our issues and get moral support. It has been and still is immensely useful in diffusing my anger and managing my mental health. It is very much an extension of what a Barber does anyway, he listens to you, is non-judgemental and you know it is a safe space. I have also been using app’s to get inspiration from affirmations to aid my meditation. Reading wellbeing magazines also helps. As the saying goes - 'it is good to talk'. There is still a stigma in the workplace around mental health, even though it is now the number one reason why people are absent. I also became a Trustee of a charity, an environmentally focused recycling charity that diverts specific re-usable landfill waste from industry for re-purposing into craft and other projects. Never content with all my other hobbies and interests I got involved and started to recognise that beyond the ethical nature of the charity it had a huge connection to wellbeing. Crafting has always been a big part of my life and this has always been a saviour in grounding me. Crafting is my goto place (as is going metal detecting or reading adventure gamebooks).

Another narcissist

I promised myself that I would not allow someone else to bully me again but it did happen again whilst in the union. This person is a feminist and nothing I did or said was ever right. I still found myself being tormented by this person for simply being a man. She would continuously hold her hand in front of my face whenever I spoke. Her bigoted view was, as a man, I could never understand a woman. Try me, as I have a self-described effeminate nature more than some may realise. Do not let my appearance deceive – get to know me and you will understand how empathetic I can be, but the irony is I do struggle with sharing my own emotions (like hugging), although the men’s group is helping with that. In my opinion, the union somehow enables this discriminatory behaviour and can be enough to dissuade male activists from getting involved when they are being marginalised for being a man. They need to wake up to the fact that not all men are the archetypal chauvinists they have them out to be. The union tolerated this behaviour and I have since left.

The future

I will continue my journey of self-care, meditate, practice Yoga and craft, be there for people on my terms but hope I can contribute more of my time to others when the time is right. Before I finish, I want you to get the proverbial violins out when I say that I still have my down days and still working on those relationships. I know I am not alone in this and I probably have more friends than I realise as I love to be around people but also like to have my alone time. I know hundreds of people but have no close friend(s) I can share my life with other than my Wife (who is great by the way) and two other children. If I'm honest she puts up with my weirdness way too much but I suppose I do have at least one best friend in her and I know she wouldn’t change me for the world.