My journey to complete healing.

Before we embark on this new journey of self healing and self growth, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Valerie and I will be 27 years old at the end of this month (October 2021). Over the last 27 years I’ve faced many struggles, hardships, and weathered many internal storms. However, we aren’t talking about those just yet.

I currently reside in the beautiful state of Texas and have for the last 5 years. I’m thankful each and every day that I made the decision to move, and I throughly believe that it was the very first step in my healing journey. You see, while I was born here, this isn’t where I had the pleasure of growing up. I instead grew up in Kentucky, another beautiful state indeed, but I digress. I lived there for 18 years building a family of friends as I had no blood relation or extended family in the state. We had my step mother’s side of the family, but we weren’t very close to them and there weren’t a whole lot of family gatherings. So therefore, I sought out to BUILD the family I desired.

During the 18 years I lived in Kentucky, the formative years of my life, I endured physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Not to mention constant bullying at school. Plus I did some time in a “behavioral health facility”. I put the qoutations because as far as I’m concerned, that’s just a way to sugar coat psych ward and I’m just not a fan of sugar coating. This is when I was diagnosed with manic depressive bipolar disorder.

The more the dr explained this disorder and the more I researched, the more the diagnosis made sense. I mean, I really do check all the boxes… So, we started on a medication that was meant to stabilize my moods and help me sleep. (One big symptom in bipolar disorder is insomnia… Yay me!!) The thing is, this medicine HAD to be taken at night because within 2 hours of taking it, you’re gonna be knocked out sawing logs until the morning. Some may already know the medicine I’m speaking of just based off that description alone, but for those that don’t know I’m talking about Seroquel.

Now, while this medication did do what it was meant to do (for the most part), the side effects and the chemical dependency my body built to it?….. NOT ok at all. I was on this medicine for 7 years. If I missed ONE dose, my body would go into withdrawals the next day. And when I say withdrawals, I mean full on physical pain. I’d go from hot to cold, shivering, cold sweats, body aches, headaches, stomach pain, nausea, and the list just goes on and on. In no way am I going to believe that my body should be SO dependent on a drug that missing one dose would have me physically sick the very next day and hardly able to function…..

Shortly after moving to Texas I had to start the process of finding a new dr because the one in Kentucky obviously couldn’t keep prescribing me medications from out of state… During this time, I had taken my last pill…. So you know what that means? YUP! Withdrawals…. But this time it wasn’t just for a day. No, no, no…. THIS time I was coming off them COMPLETELY….. The withdrawals lasted what seemed like an eternity but honestly it was probably more like 2-3 weeks. I felt like absolute DEATH though. Trying to work, clean the house, cook dinner, and do all the normal things seemed impossible because I literally felt like I was dieing. Yes, that may seem dramatic, but it is what it is.

I eventually found a dr and started the process of finding a medication that was going to work for me. The first one did absolutely nothing but make my stomach cramp HORRIBLY. The second one just didn’t work. The 3rd one had some other awful side effect I wasn’t willing to live with. And by the 4th medication we tried the side effect was waking up in the middle of the night with leg cramps so bad that I’d scream and cry. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. For a month straight. Yes! I tried to wait it out. After that, I said “I’m done.” I made the decision to just come off meds completely and handle my symptoms and mood swings with coping mechanisms.

I’ve been unmedicated for nearly 4 years now, and I’ve been doing pretty well if I do say so myself! I’ve learned to breath before reacting and I’ve mastered the skill of staying calm in situations where, in the past I would have flown off the handle. Most importantly though, I’ve learned how to keep the beast inside at bay. During this time I’ve had a baby. I’ve started my own business. I’ve learned to let things go. So, like I said, I’ve been doing pretty darn good!

That is, until recently….. Recently it just seems like the cloud of depression just will not lift. It’s the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. It’s the clean but unfolded laundry piling up on the couch. It’s the living room floor that hasn’t been vacuumed in probably a month. We don’t even wanna talk about the last time the kitchen floor was mopped…. It’s the managing to be there for your baby, but ONLY your baby. All you can manage to do is keep him fed and happy and healthy, but what about you? It’s the not caring for yourself most of all. Trying to take care of everyone around you because you can’t take care of yourself. You can’t fix whatever it is inside you that’s broken, because you can’t pinpoint exactly WHAT it is that is broken inside. How are you supposed to fix what’s broken if you don’t know what it is? The answer is simple, yet so complex at the same time. You simply can’t…

So given my history of the seroquel dependency and the multiple other pills I’ve tried to “manage” my symptoms with, I’ve decided to go a different route this time. You see, one of my biggest fears in life, especially now as a parent, is becoming an addict. I don’t want that for me and I sure don’t want it for my son. I already have a family history of addiction and I refuse to be one. I am going to break the cycle. So, here we are!!!! I’m going to take you with me on this journey of healing from the inside out. Letting go of past trauma and moving forward to a better happier life.