Moments of Weakness

At the moment of loneliness you think about one person. One feeing that makes you happy. You choose to focus on the things that make you happy so you don’t have to feel so lonely. Sometimes it works. Most times it makes you more sad because you are not feeling that now. Times of isolation and loneliness, you think about one thing more than before. From a touch to their warmth. The feeling overcomes you because in those moments of loneliness it becomes all that brings you joy.

You fear expression. You struggle to find your footing so you won’t be brushed aside. Showing who you are is so scary to you that you exhaust all of your finances so you force yourself to be committed to work. You miss talking everyday. Having that one the person that will brighten your day regardless of how everything else goes. Meeting periodically to physically share each other’s energy. Sharing experiences while creating new ones of your own. Thoughts that made being with you so impactful stays with me to this day.

Others find their escape for just a few moments and forget the ones they revealed their truths to. Treasured moments are mine to keep and replay in my mind when I need them most. The thought of not having you feels like two gems separated when destined to form into a lovely garnet. At times all I want to do is call and hear your voice. What runs on repeat is your uplifting words. You push me to be me but at times I feel you just push me away. It sucks the moments of weakness has me to my knees in tears. Not ever knowing what it feels like to spend everyday thinking on what to do next or how to surprise the other with a shining moment.

Good or bad the idea of presence makes the darkness go away. Accepting the flaws makes you more human and your self acceptance gives me strength. Loving myself becomes a struggling journey when I feel like a suffering soul trapped in a loop of painful memories. I’m separated from those I used to call loved ones. To believe that my suffering is my own doing without knowing what physical love feels like. Forever wanting to learn what being a man is truly like. To be self reliant and hold yourself on a higher standard than those you call home. Sometimes you wish they would feel what you feel. To understand what it’s like with the shoe in the other end. Maybe then, they will understand.

Being on your own is something foreign to me. Bound to the mercy of others, I feel off and lost when it comes down to me. Taking pride in who I am and accepting the flaws within me is something that used to come naturally. Now I’m only but a fragment of who I use to be. Broken and damaged, I see the ones around venture and grow while I stay in a parallel looking for a way out. The strength within myself lays dormant and afraid. Facing fear means taking high risks. Taking risks means being willing to let go of everything that made you who you are only to find something better. The thought of failing is the thing that comes to mind. Not just failing, but not having anything after the fact. Not having anywhere or anyone to go to when I fall.

The reliance of security. Not just the fear but the acceptance that everyone will leave. Nobody will bring me back. No finances to bring me up or so called family to assist me. The idea of falling so far down that the very homeless that live their life hoping someone else would give them a chance and bring purpose to them. To be that low is lonely. To have those reject and neglect you. To find solace in what once was the chaos of life. Now slowly withering away until a light shines upon you long enough to get you to the starting point once again.