MoLo B4 MoLo

Things were different 15 years back. Obviously the lack of responsibility, lack of knowledge and simply just a kid full of unanswered questions that the world was going to give me in the palm of my hand whether I'd want it or not but I’d say I grew up with what your average foreign kid would grow up with. I had my ma and pops with me, even my uncle tagged along with us when we left Colombia who became a brother figure. At this point in my life, we were living in Ontario after moving from the states. I’d get driven from school and right after that get driven to a day home where I’d either spend the rest of the day and night there or I’d get picked up late to sleep at home then rinse and repeat. You know that movie cliche of the kid looking out the window while some emotional music played in the background, that was literally me. Every day when I’d get driven from one place to the other, I would completely disconnect myself from reality and it was just me and the music.

My parents were very hard workers and they did anything for us to make it through the month to pay bills and our necessities so I learned from very early on how important the grind was. I was an exceptional student at the time even if i am talking about grade 1 but i was even bumped up a grade because my main focus was just school then I’d go to my day home and continue on with my day then. I soon came to realize that the day home was going to mentally screw up some years of my life since most of the time I didn't have the nurturing of my parents and some other things that would go on within the walls of that place that I won't go into detail about. I ended up closing myself off to my parents when it came to emotional distress because with all the stress and worry they were already going through, I didn't want to put more on their plate. I made it seem as though their son was living an okay life at school and at that place I’d spend more time then at home and to me it was right to do… at the time at least.

A couple years passed and my parents began to realize that there was no progression in the town we were living in so my dad left to Calgary to check the scene out here and about 6 months later, my pregnant mom and I came to reunite in a condo that my dad was able to get for us. It was time for me to readjust to a new school, new people and a new place I knew nothing about. Being the introvert that I knew I was, I didn’t imagine myself making friends easily but then came someone that i would call my best friend for years but it didn’t stop the rest of the kids in my grade to classify me as one of the “weird” kids, whatever that meant but i got treated differently and on top of that, i was bumped down to the grade i had finished in Ontario so that was another bummer. There was nothing significant going on throughout that time other than the birth of my sister who i hated for a bit because aside from the neglect and disconnect I had with my parents already, it grew more when she was born. They managed to put some money down for a house after and that meant another move, another school and another routine which began to feel like a routine in my life that was going to be continuous.

Father James Whelihan was the name of the school I was able to stay at until I entered high school but when I got there to start grade 4, I didn't think much about it. I just thought to myself that this was just another stop before the next one so getting attached to people or what I did wasn’t going to matter much. Very quickly the infamous nickname was given to me: Squishy. I never really saw being fat or chubby as an issue before I got to that place and everyone made sure to make me see the opposite. School wasn’t even a priority for myself anymore, I just wanted to make sure that I could get through all the bullshit and to let the stress out, I would write song parodies to songs that I enjoyed listening to. I was never a violent or confrontational person so when people made fun of my weirdness and my fatness, I’d go and make fun of a song by rewriting it into a parody. I never released any of them since it was my way of redirecting my frustration. On top of my parents adjusting as well and the typical struggles and worries that they go through and my baby sister being around, I had to take part in raising my sister, taking care of her when my parents were working, learning to change her diapers and to make/feed her her formula. It took away a lot of the possibility of me hanging out with friends. Around that time was also when I had become a member of my church choir so that was a huge help for me because it taught me to get closer to God and for me that's been a huge thing for me ever since. I fell to a deep depression at a very young age, I never learned to express myself so everything that was wrong or went wrong, I would face alone, I never felt the comfort of someone being there for me at the time, or at least i convinced myself that that was the case and that it was me alone against the world. My comfort as always lied behind music, my one and true companion that was always there to hear my emotions and would never judge me. I lived at home with my family but never felt at home and was so into my head thinking I was such a damn nuisance to the world, everyone at school constantly making fun of me and making me feel worthless while I would mask the pain with a laugh and let them have their fun.

It wasn’t until junior high that I had finally made some real friends that wouldn’t hang out with me to make fun of me and were simply there because we bonded. With finally feeling some sort of comfort in my school, I had the balls to join the school of rock option class and for those who don’t know what that class is, basically you form a few bands with the students in that class and then rehearse a couple songs to perform them in front of the entire school, there were 2 presentations in the year, from “sweet dreams” by Marilyn Manson to “Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace to “Holiday” by Green Day. Then also participated in the school talent show singing “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat with a friend. On top of that, being Prince Charming in the Cinderella musical, all of that happened in grade 9 because I had a group of people in my life that showed me I had some value to my life. Unfortunately, even with taking that step forward, it didn’t take away the deep depression I was in, the struggles I was going through at home, more conflict with my parents, more conflict within myself and my life. The battle I was going through within myself during my preteens was difficult, thinking about it now I shouldn’t have bottled up everything I was going through and carrying since Ontario. It got to the point where music wasn’t enough for me, God wasn’t enough for me... I turned to things that left big scars in my life, I’d cry myself to sleep wishing things could feel okay but they never would and eventually I'd up the ante and try other things to feel something at least. It even got to the point where I felt like enough was enough and was hoping I could be brave enough to end it all but luckily I was able to surpass those habits time after.

But more on that on in part 3...