Mirror Mirror

Mirror,

Mirror,

How I’ve despised you

How I’ve hated you from afar

~

In today’s exercises, I’m faced with the mirror

Again.

“Mirror Work” is the title of the task today

Discovering myself

Reclaiming the life of that inner child

And I’m hating it.

~

Looking into the mirror

Brings you head on into facing yourself and your shadow self.

It brings out those fears, those limiting beliefs, those self-doubts, and anything about yourself that might repulse or enthrall you.

It’s going to be difficult

It’s going to hurt

But learn to have the compassion for yourself

That you’ve managed to have for everyone else!

~

So here goes…

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I’ve said it before,

How I’d love for you to fall,

Breaking against the floor into a bounty of pieces.

-Sit comfortably…the exercise says-

While I pace the small space

-Gaze into your eyes-

Holding it for several minutes.

I see her,

Just like every time before

I see the young teenager,

The girl so desperately in need of love and protection.

-Repeat an affirmation-

It’s hard to think when those blue-grey eyes are staring back at me.

I am Enough!

I want to shout the words,

But instead, the words come out as a whisper followed my strong burning tears.

-Tell her how much you love her-

Why?

I feel my brows scrunch

Feel my forehead crease

Why not?

What’s wrong with loving yourself?

Don’t you remember what it was like to be the only one you could depend on?

Don’t you remember what it was like?

The lack of life you lived.

-May I be able to love myself in the future-

I want to shake my head

I’ve always hated these exercises.

I look away from the mirror

I pace some more

~

I’ve shared my thoughts about the shackles

About the weight of my traumas holding me down

-Use whatever positive affirmations work for you-

But what if I don’t have any?

What if I can’t think of one nice thing to say to the girl?

-As you repeat your affirmation, notice the thoughts that come with it-

I remember my pain.

I remember being raped.

I remember being alone.

Being afraid.

I remember everything about that awful period of my life, like it was yesterday.

-Allow yourself to feel whatever comes to mind-

Do I have to?

Do I have to remember the details, the sounds, the textures, the smells?

~

I’ve worked on my trauma for years.

Carefully processed and packed it away in the old wooden trunk that is imaginatively in my mind

Each thought has been primped, pampered, and folded away

Like a loving blanket stored in the trunk.

There’s old leather straps and discolored metal buckles that keep the trunk shut

There’s no weight sitting on top of the trunk

But there have been many times,

When that girl has gone and opened the trunk

It’s not locked

It’s not secured.

There’s a window of trust that I have with the girl to not make me deal with things when I’m not ready.

And yet, she opens the damned lid.

~

Is today going to be one of those days?

It’s hard to say.

It’s hard to understand the feelings or the lack of feelings

It’s hard to place words to the thoughts and emotions

It feels like a knife buried in my chest,

And I swear the girl unknowingly has pulled the knife free

She’s watching as the blood flows freely from my heart

And she’s reaching out to press her hand against the wound

As if that will make the bleeding stop

~

Is it weakness?

Is it fear?

What keeps traumatizing me over and over again?

What is it?

I just want a sense of peace,

A wall of healing

To reinforce the walls that feel like they’re crumbling around me.

I just want to scream out

I want so badly to not feel these things anymore.

It’s like a tidal wave coming to flood the small room.

~

I look at the mirror.

I cringe

Those blue-grey eyes are begging me to focus

Remember the good times

Remember the positive things that we’ve accomplished.

Is it enough?

Am I really enough?

Say it…

Say those words and mean them.

I AM ENOUGH!