Loving Me, While I Learn That You're No Good For Me Mentally

First rule

Learn to have self-worth

Second rule

Learn to have self-compassion

Third rule

Learn to forgive and live again

~

Today’s your day

Today’s the day that you were placed on this earth

Today’s the day that we learn to welcome you into this world

Because today is also a day of reckoning

~

Take a deep breath

Ground your feet firmly against the floor

As you mentally prepare for the mental battlefield

All over again.

~

It’s been over a year.

A year of not hearing your voice

A year of fighting the never-ending urge to run back to you

A year of reconciling with my spirit and inner child.

The pain begins to wane

But it never seems to go away

It’s there

Like the splinter festering under your skin

~

For too long, I was locked in a cage.

The cage didn’t have bars, chains, or barbed wire

The cage was my body.

A tool used against me constantly

Because my heart, my mind, and my body could never learn to play well together

Instead, it was a battleground

~

No one wants to hear about this struggle

No one wants to know about the pain you inflicted

No one cares

But I do.

I care about today because it’s supposed to be your day

It’s supposed to be a nice celebration of the man you were meant to become

Not of the man you became

~

I can’t explain how being free of your chains makes me feel

Because I feel like my fists are still clenching around the steel

Each link making a ‘clink’ and ‘clank’ noise as my feet shuffle across the floor

There’s dirt lingering on the cobbled stone floor

There’s moss lingering against the stone walls

This fortress, this hell, keeps me company in solitude

I wonder when the demons will return to torment me

I could run

I could leave the small stone room

The door’s standing wide open now

But I linger within the doorway

Afraid you’ll return and come hunting for me

~

That’s the surprising part

The silent you

I never anticipated that you wouldn’t fight to keep me

I never thought you’d give up so easily

For too long I thought our souls were bound together

More like trauma bounded together

~

I’m conflicted today.

I have so many emotions swirling through my mind like a tornado

Each one feels a little stronger than the last one

Each piece of debris is a thought, a word, a damning emotion circling around me

It’s as if the storm is collecting energy and building up speed

I am waiting on the disaster to come

~

Some days

I don’t know my mind

I don’t know my heart, my feelings, or emotions

Some days

I don’t know me

Because of all the hurt life has put me through

It’s like I’m sitting on the edge

My feet dangling over my grave

Waiting for my time to come.

~

Am I in over my head?

Have I asked for too much?

There’s nothing left for you and me

And maybe that should be okay.

There’s nothing left for me now,

Because you took everything away from me.

~

I’m standing on the edge

Listening to the water drowning out everything else

As I stand next to the raging river

Wishing that it could wash away my tears

The rocks are precarious here

Will the next step be my last?

Will the river swallow me whole?

What would be the difference between a dirt or watery grave?

Doesn’t matter anymore now.

~

I’m sitting here writing this out to all of you, willing you to listen and hear my voice. That’s the most important part of it all now. I simply want to be heard. I don’t want to feel like I’ve been forgotten or abandoned. I need my voice to have meaning.

I dedicated nineteen years to who I thought was the love of my life, just to feel like I was at the end of my rope and ready to give up on life. Vocal has been my outlet, my meme, my muse, whatever you want to call it.

When I left my spouse, I was told I was crazy, unstable, not fit to be a person. That day he lost my respect; he lost the ability for me to care. He chose to make me out to be the bad person, when I was the one needing help.

Mental health is a stigma, a condition that shouldn’t be shunned or hushed. It deserves dedication, care, and open honesty to help reach the goals that the person needs or feels like they should work on. It’s not the plague. You can’t get it with the cooties. But having someone so arrogant talk about me and talk down to me, broke something within me. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I didn’t care about life, being an adult, functioning. It didn’t matter to me in that moment if I woke up the next day. I had devoted everything to a man, who thought he loved me.

It’s been over a year now. I wonder about him. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, and what he lost. I wonder if he even cares. Sitting here, I’m having a bit of an epiphany moment. Why should I even care anymore? Because I’m nice, I’m caring, and I wear my heart on my sleeve where the world can see. It’s annoying. I just want to have the love and care of a partner who truly cares about me and my well-being. I refuse to be in master and slave relationship.

One day…that’s what I continue to tell myself, one day someone will love and cherish me for me. One day, I’ll be able to introduce that someone to the ones I love and care about. And if that day never comes, well, it’ll be a little sad at first. But there are more people out there who love and appreciate me, who care that I’m alive, who need to know that okay too.