Meeting Anxiety

The year was 2002. I was 11 years old at the time when anxiety first reared it's ugly head. West Nile virus was flooding the news. My parents always watched the news. Little did they know, I was being filled with pure fear and panic. Fast forward, and you will find me at my Aunt's house frantically running from one family member to another asking them to feel my pulse and check me for fever. In my mind, I had contracted West Nile Virus. In my mind, I was surely going to die. My parents took me to counseling. I don't recall ever being officially diagnosed either. I would not be diagnosed until around 24 years old.                               

    I decided to seek answers around 2015. Why was I like this? Why did my mind constantly conjure the worst case scenarios? Why did I stay consumed with worry? Why did something always feel wrong? I was miserable and I decided right then and there that I needed help. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and began treatment. I don't remember what medications she tried but none of them helped and it was frustrating. All I wanted was relief. She kept in contact with me via text to see how medications would affect me. The final straw was when she prescribed a heart medication."Excuse me?!" I thought. There was nothing wrong with my heart! To take medication for something that I did not have was simply preposterous! I'm not one for confrontation but I suddenly felt less like a patient being cared for and more like a lab rat being studied so I worked up the nerve to text her and tell her how I felt and suffice to say, she was insulted. She never heard from me again.


    I eventually found another doctor. One who actually listened to me and cared for my well being as well as respected my decisions and concerns. We began with anti-depressants and when those provided minimal relief, I was put on Xanax for the first time. But unfortunately, it's not safe to take Xanax daily and for an extended amount of time, so I had to learn to cope with anxiety on my own and to the best of my ability.


    It's a daily struggle. In this crazy thing we call "Life", there's always something to have anxiety about whether its finances, health, jobs, or loved ones. Something is always happening no matter who you are or how wealthy you are. It's okay to be worried or concerned but when you sit there and let it steep like some bad tea, that's when it becomes anxiety. That's when it becomes a problem. Looking back, there's so much in my life i've spent hours, days, and weeks having anxiety over. I've likely shaved off several years of my life drowning in anxiety. As my husband has pointed out, most of the things i've obsessively worried about in my life never came to pass. It's funny, because when I had anxiety in my school years my mom would say "99% of the things we worry about never happen". She was right. 


    Anxiety sucks. You feel like you can't breathe, sometimes you sweat, you can't focus on the good in your life, and your stomach stays in knots. Sometimes it's so bad that it actually induces unwanted bowel movements. I call these "the nervous poops". So if you're ever constipated I recommend you find something to have anxiety about. It works like a charm. 


    On a serious note, I know there's so many out there that fights this same battle. It doesn't matter what type of anxiety disorder you have, we're all in this together. The words "It will be okay" is hard for us to believe.  Even though right now I believe those words, I know tomorrow might bring new storms to snatch that belief away. But there's one belief that my anxiety doesn't steal. My belief in our Heavenly Father. Even though it's hard to focus on him in the midst of my anxiety, I remember Peter walking on the water with our Messiah. I relate deeply to that. I remember how our Messiah calmed the storm and I hope that there comes a day when our Messiah will calm the storms of my mind, in his time, not mine. I may look down at the waters frequently and start to sink but he never fails to bring me back. 


To everyone who fights this war of anxiety, I see you and I love you. 

Stay strong.