Medicated

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder back when I was in high school, but I felt like my relationship with mental illness started many years before that. When I was 8 I was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome and it became a permanent part of my identity. At some point I remember doctors (or maybe therapists?) throwing OCD into the mix as well. I felt like I had a laundry list of things that described who I was and defined who I would be. My days were full of routines and rituals in between playing make believe on the playground and trying to disguise my ticks as part of my charming personality. I learned early on how to try to conceal the things about who I was that might be different or embarrassing. Some, I couldn’t, so I would get mildly teased or I’d become an annoyance to friends and family. For the most part, I was a normal kid, but from a young age my mind seemed to buzz to the point of explosion and I was constantly figuring out and adjusting my plan of fitting into the mold I thought I needed to fit into.

My relationship with medications has ebbed and flowed over the years and back when I first tried it, I was hyper aware of the side effects. Some left me jittery with unsteady hands. Some made me light-headed or had me in a fog. I couldn’t handle anything that made me feel out of control because there were far too many parts of my life that needed controlling. If I lost control, people might figure out it was all a show and I was a total fraud. At some point in college I decided that the medication wasn’t worth it and I could go it alone so I weaned myself off and tried to find other ways to cope with and manage my anxiety.

For a long time I was managing fine. I thought I had figured this whole mental health thing out and was thriving. I was all about self-affirmations and surrounding myself with people that were fun and supportive. I had moved to a new city by myself, gotten a job, my own apartment, etc. I soon had a boyfriend who became my husband. We had a baby! I was doing the things. Life. was. good. Then we had a second baby. And all of the sudden I felt like I wasn’t coping very well. I wasn’t managing the things, keeping it together, it wasn’t as easy. I was more frustrated, irritable, my patience was waning. My anxiety was always bubbling right below the surface. If everything was in order, I was fine, but when things were overly stressful or time consuming in any area of my life, the rest seemed impossible to manage. I talked to my doctor, attempted to self-diagnose and she gently encouraged me to consider medication again.

I started to find a bit of balance and then I got pregnant with baby #3. I immediately stopped my meds for the health of the sweet babe and faced the most difficult pregnancy of my life. Everything was hard and I was sicker than I had been, plus I had two sweet toddlers to chase around. I was overwhelmed all the time. I was counting down the weeks until I could get back on medication to find my groove again. I had finally found something that made me feel like myself. I felt balanced, in control, I had far more happy days than not. I was dying to get that version of myself back.

Fast forward and I give birth to my sweet baby boy. I’m back on my steady dose of normalcy and juggling a pack of babies. For 3 beautiful months I’m on maternity leave and basically crushing it. Then, things started falling apart a bit. My mom got sick, my dad faced health problems, my kids kept growing and changing, needing me more but in different ways. It was like the soft and airy balls I had been juggling morphed into lead.

I started therapy. I continued to take my medication. I can’t imagine not being medicated. Truly. How do people do it? I started feeling better…working through things that needed to be worked through. Pealing back the layers a bit to get at the root cause of some of these issues. Then COVID happened which meant therapy paused. I let it pause for a bit too long hindsight is 2020 right? This year has ruined that phrase. I was talking to one of my very best friends recently and she was checking in. I told her “I’m okay, just in a funk.” and her response was perfection.

It would be truly strange if you weren’t.

This year is hard for all of us for so many reasons. So many things are being brought to light. Racism, human trafficking, political strife…it’s all so heavy. The reason for this post today is that it’s the start of a new month. I love a fresh start. I love the first of the month. But this month is National Suicide Prevention Month. I don’t think I’ve ever paid attention to it in the past. I’ve thought of cooler nights as Fall creeps in, apple spiced candles and cardigan sweaters. School starting and football season. Crisp morning air and leaves on the ground. All the cliche things you can possibly think of when the sweltering days of summer make way for a brief but welcome fall. But this year, with so much happening, I’m paying closer attention. If you’re reading this, I want you to know that I have been there. It’s been a long time but those feelings have existed in my brain, in my body. I’ve checked the box on the survey in the doctor’s office.

I love my crazy life. I still look at everything with an optimistic lens. I carry the weight of it all some days but I truly feel the good in each and every one of them. I wasn’t always like that. I couldn’t always put a positive spin on a situation. I didn’t always have perspective. But the things I talked about above? The anxiety? The labels I feel like I’ve worn like tattoos my whole life? All of those experiences shaped who I am today. All of those experiences gave me a perspective that I never would have had if I hadn’t stuck around to see how it would all play out. Take some time this month to check in with your friends and family. Reach out to the people you love. Smile under that mask. Wave. Make eye contact. Remind others that they matter. In a time when we are all closing our doors and hiding away, find moments to connect with people that might need it more than you think. Spread a little love and gratitude, be compassionate. Everything is heavy right now but it’s easier if we all help carry the load.