Mary Rose

One particularly stagnant and gloomy night, I laid dormant in bed, cradled and hugged by my indigo weighted blanket and I asked myself “what is it that I need to know to move forward in life?”

I told myself “I promise to accept the learning lessons to help me move on. I have the courage to find my true authentic self. I have the strength to pull through.”

Lo and behold...

In an instant, thoughts started to leave me, closely escorting my feelings. Alarm set in. The idea of everyone around me gradually dissipated, “don’t leave me!” I sobbed, as my space systematically dimmed, closed in and became very heavy. “Why is this happening? I asked for a way forward, not to be pulled into this open space of emptiness.” Confusion intensified as contradictions were raised, “why can I still wonder and feel weight in this oblivion? I don’t understand! What’s happening!?” I overly fought to no avail and cried out for guidance, before immediately being met with merely one memory...

‘Just breathe!’

So without any other ideas, I quickly began to breathe through only my mouth with a depth that paired with my panic. Greedy for any air, I inhaled, filling my stomach then my chest, trailed by a full release. Without interruption, I continuously imitated the breaths before...

Inhale, inhale, exhale...

Inhale, inhale, exhale...

Matching the fast pace of my contended mind as it hurried in desperation to calculate and find a solution to the uncertainty and obscurity of this event.

Nothing came.

Surrounded by silence, I heard only my reverberated breaths through my unmanageable cries.

But then...

A compassionate, caring and concerned voice spoke...

“Did you not ask what it is that you need to know to move forward in life?

Did you not promise to accept the learning lessons to help you move on? Did you not say that you have the courage to find your true authentic self, with the strength to pull through?”

Scared in my place, I acknowledged that voices query, whimpering with my natural honesty “I did, I did, I did.”

The voice calmly responded...

“Well, my love, this is what you need to know to move forward in life. This is your true authentic self, free from any others. Some call this depression or loneliness and isolation, others call it deep-rest-in self realisation,” the voice gracefully added, “you have been ignoring this place for too long, ignored your true authentic self causing you to become ignorant in your ways. This is not a place to fear nor are you scared of the dark, because you are courageous. Come and sit with me, I cannot hurt you, because you are strong.”

I moved without hesitation closer to the security of the voice but still wary of the equilibrium at play.

“Quieten your breath” the voice requested politely, “I cannot hear with all that pandemonium.”

Bewildered by this plea of what was already a soundless void, I brought my breathing to a moderate pace, then eventually to a monotonously faint breath.

Still, nothing...

“There’s nothing here!” I claimed, on edge. “What are we listening for?” I asked impatiently.

The voice made an appeal for me to hush, then humbly explained... “This is where you kept what you wished yet failed to speak. This is where words you did not hear rest, along with conversations with yourself kept quiet from yourself. You have been letting this chatter fall upon your deaf ears through ignorance”.

Somewhat ashamed and discretely intrigued, I leaned in a little with pardon and soon carefully tuned in, to the circulation of white noise. Captivated by the wonderment of this linguistic magic, I leaned in a little more.

“Sit back and relax my love” the voice demonstrated, “do not get yourself engrossed, we are only here to observe and learn what it is that you need to know to move forward in life.” I sat back agreeably with one last audible deep breath, then sensibly shut my eyes to rest within the darkness and allowed myself to recognise all of the self-dialogue that I had long disregarded.

After a while of which I could not immediately determine, I noticed a sound different from the normal white noise, the sound of magpies cooperatively chattering with other birds. I noticed a low level of light through my lazed eyelids. These differentiations to the dark space raised my physical awareness. I extended my hands up to my face and felt short friendly eyelashes with my warm fingertips as I wiped away the moisture that had pooled in the corners of my eyes, before I casually unsealed them in the realisation of the new morning that greeted me, along with the scent of Jasmine flowers that travelled through my window with the light tepid breeze.

Ensuing what seemed like a long stationary wakeful rest, I calmly rose to my feet, accompanied with the embodiment of lightness, I felt supported and grounded as my soles encountered the lush cream carpet.

Feelings of security remained at the idea of that dark space, without the lingering of fear.

A grin emerged on my face as I wondered who that voice was that guided me in that space, then I thought to myself, ‘No need to wonder, for you lack ignorance today my love.’