Loving me

My heart breaks as I write this because, I really believed I would marry him. I suffered, narcissistic abuse, (listen I’m not saying Betty Broderick was right, I’m saying I understand) the abuse left me broken, lost and absolutely my mind fromii my mind. Some might call it my Freudian fate.. See, this story stared way before me, way before him, way before mymy parent’s story, way before hismy parent’s, way before their parents story and before that.(YouTube channel coming soon). But today we’re talking on the NEED of self-love.

I learned to be careful of people who used their pain as an excuse to keep hurting and abusing me. Selfless love, Coupled with no self love and a lack of boundaries, is a recipe for the most profound lesson of self love is the first love. And That was the lesson the Universe taught me…AILLY YOU NEED TO LOVE YOUSELF GURLLL.

WHY I STAYED

You choose to love and understand someone so much that you know why they do the things they do. You understand how their trauma makes them who they are, and how most of the behavior we register as “bad”, is a defense mechanism. it’s based in fear and protection. You love them because you understand them.

But, let’s do on a tangent here, before we dive into that…

Today, June 24 2021, exactly 2 days after my 22 birthday on the 22nd of June, which was a Tuesday the 2nd day of the week. After 3 months of doing so much inner work, retrograde was coming to an end, I knew something about me would change, I knew my soul would come back to me. And Today, I Finished a work of art to symbolize that change, I did not initially intend to turn out this way, it was mainly response to another injustice I faced, that Monday, when the parking guard, a man well over 45 years old, Held my car door open, blocking me from closing it, he says “I need a kiss”, and before I could say anything, this man went and planted his lips on mine, I was in absolute shock as it triggered past experiences of Sexual Assault and I was fed up with the level of entitlement some man think they have.that really upset me, and I hoped on a trend made art with my ass, because I love my body and it’s no ones mf property. But, here’s what I titled I “I Love Ailly”! ….

Let me tell you, today, after months of doing “the work”, and mirror work learned from Louise Hay’s book “You can heal your life”, Today, I walked by my 4’7’’x75’’ mirror and thought to tell myself an affirmation, this was just before getting up out of my bed to coat my phone case that I had just written affirmations on. Seeing the mirror, I was surprised this is why ; like second nature, without a conscious thought, I WALKED CLOSER to the mirror, why? to look myself deeper in the eyes and before the words “I love you, I really love you” could come out of my mouth.. the realization of the profound moment, of *self-love*, not vanity, but realized I genuinely deeply love myself(think about the meaning of that for a second), and with tears in my eyes I slowed down the words and I said “I… Love…You…, I…really.. Love you”, And no matter how profound that moment was, evidence that healing and loving yourself is a constant journey, my inner critic was quick to jump at me with a little voice in my head that said ”This is weird, and you’re acting a little crazy chill.” And I could feel the energy of my heart chakra open, and I said no. “I really love you Ailly”. And creative energy quickly sourced though me and the vision of what the painting meant, I thought about how to translate that feeling visually, and I wanted to do something so, profound and so different, and the answer was simple, “I LOVE AILLY”, what else to mark such a beautiful moment of truly recognizing my real inner being, I AM LOVE. But again, my conscious mind jabs

“I love Ailly?, not only is that grammatically incorrect, but..Who tells themselves I love you by their own name”, and again, I scilenced it and said, “Exactly!”..

So Let’s dive back in.

You reading this, how many times in have you said “I love you, i really love you too you have to yourself, let alone by using your own name stating straight into your own eyes? This is not a point of shaming yourself if you don’t fully feel love for yourself. Have compassion for yourself, no one taught you how to love authentically, and THIS one is hard, but have compassion for your parents too, because think about their childhood, was someone there to teach them love?

Listen! You might need some water, this one is hard to swallow…..The truth is, (everything matches your vibrational energy).The love/people you attract are match to the relationship you have with yourself, or others, so how you treat yourself or other’s is going to be mirrored back to you. Think about it for a second. How can you expect another to say “I love you”auburn been it, if you might not be about to do that for yourself. When you love yourself you vibe different, you attract different, you protect your energy with boundaries. Self love is so profound. So until you heal that which is within you that is attracting/creating your current reality. Nothing changes. The more you love yourself the more your relationships will improve, and when you begin to see healthy boundaries. Instant relationships fall away. Boundaries are a way to protect your energy from energy vampires.

THE STORY BEGAN HERE

You would think making me cry on our first date and calling me sensitive would have been a red flag. But, I grew up in Red BayBeee, it didn’t register because the negating, the abuse, it felt like gone to home.

The problem when you grow up in caos is you think caos is normal, (be considerate to yourself if you don’t know how to love yourself, and forgive your parents for not teaching you how to love yourself, because of how they failed to love you in the way you needed, have compassion for how they were raised, best believe someone wasn’t there to teach them how to love themselves? Now forgive yourself for seeking that love in all the wrong people and in wrong places, and in all the wrong things.

When you’re ready, take accountability for addressing your trauma, and no one elses, ( not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends, not you partner, just YOU). Whew chile, people don’t want to “do the work” because you learn, you create your reality. And I’ll leave that there. Victim & a disempowered mindset left me stuck in my own cycles, attracting the same things till I took a long hard look in the mirror and decided to go within and fix what was making me feel so broken, I’m healing my codependency, healing my depression, healing my anxiety, healing my lack of self love, silencing my inner critic and rendering the true inner being inside.

And since then...

Self-love, Healthy boundaries, Authenticity✔️

Toxic people, places, things, thoughts✖️

Don’t get me wrong if you’re hurt & scorned rn, either from your childhood, or a past relationship, feel it! Honey, the only way over it, is through it. You’re your on best healer. HEAL. But, don’t get stuck there.

Always remember to Treat yourself like a child that need love and compassion, Reparent yourself. REST! But don’t stay stuck.

Heal BABY GIRL/BOY, know your worth and come home to your body.