Love and Mortality

We are all subject to mortality, like it or not every single one of us has this fate in common regardless of age/race/gender etc. Unfortunately not all organic beings are created equal, as some suffer from various illnesses or tragedies sooner or more frequently than others. Call it destiny, karma, whatever you like, but life happens to very much be a game of chance. Theoretically there are things you can do/not do to prolong your life and give you a better chance of survival, but every one of us has the chance of drawing the death card on any given day. I have struggled with the concept of mortality for many years, even more so since 2020 as the mostly ignored intrusive thoughts only become larger and more demanding in my mind.

Covid aside, at the beginning of this year my partner made the heart wrenching decision to put down his dog, Charlie. He was a wonderful companion and friend who I had the privilege of living with and getting to know for a year or so before he passed.

We were in the room with him until the very end.

I witnessed my partners heart break.

As much as I wanted to rip my own heart out and fix the problem there was nothing I could do to mend a wound of this nature. As miserable of a moment as it was I wouldn't trade the experience for the world as it forced me to see life with a different set of lenses on. This is not to say I have never experienced death before, the difference was experiencing death through my partner, someone I love very much feeling pain this intense was not something I was familiar with. I wanted so badly to take away his suffering, make it my own. My arms were all I could offer as words could not even begin to penetrate the agony his heart was in. This experience also left me thinking about my own pets and family more than ever, my grandpa has been sick lately and on my mind constantly. Trying to mitigate and control my own thoughts I’ve come across a few different thoughts on happiness and mortality not involving religion that have eased my mind a bit and I would like to share them and their impacts.

The first came extremely unexpectedly as me and my partner were listening to the audio book “Ready Player Two” (sequel to Ready Player One) on a road trip and there was a quote I found to be a lighthearted take on life, it took some of the seriousness out of the equation and has been in my head ever since.

“Life is like an extremely difficult, horribly unbalanced videogame. When you’re born, you’re given a randomly generated character, with a randomly determined name, race, face, and social class. Your body is your avatar, and you spawn in a random geographic location, at a random moment in human history, surrounded by a random group of people, and then you have to try to survive for as long as you can. Sometimes the game might seem easy. Even fun. Other times it might be so difficult you want to give up and quit. But unfortunately, in this game you only get one life. When your body grows too hungry or thirsty or ill or injured or old, your health meter runs out and then it’s Game Over. Some people play the game for a hundred years without ever figuring out that it’s a game, or that there is a way to win it. To win the videogame of life you just have to try to make the experience of being forced to play it as pleasant as possible, for yourself, and for all of the other players you encounter in your travels. Kira says that if everyone played the game to win, it’d be a lot more fun for everyone.”

Ernest Cline

I love the comparison of calling life an extremely unbalanced video game, and every human a randomly generated avatar. It’s completely true! The meaning of life can get serious and jumbled up as everyone has a different opinion on what it should be, but there is really no exact way to play the game, we all choose different perks to level up, or side quests to engage in. Some focus on the money, others love having companions and playing with a huge group, others choose a more solo playstyle, none of them are wrong or better than the other, similar to life there is no one way to enjoy it. Personally I think it would do me some good to take life a bit less seriously from time to time.

The next piece of advice again came unexpectedly while scrolling through Tik Tok. A man by the name of Matthias Barker caught my attention with his extremely smooth and kind voice. It turns out he is an amazing Psychotherapist who has completely changed my views on happiness among other things through his videos. The video that resonated with me most recently was on happiness vs meaning in life. A new favorite quote of mine now being

"What if instead of filling your life with things that made you happy, you filled them with things that mattered instead?"

This is such an important question as we often struggle to define happiness, desperately searching for it in the present and struggling with the what if factor of things to come. Going to the vet with my partner in no way made me happy, it was a miserable experience, so why did I go? I went because my partner is the most important person in the world to me, because I would never want him to face something like this alone, because he and Charlie mattered so much to me I was able to look sadness and terror head on and push through it. To be a source of strength in the midst of chaos. My goal in life is no longer to chase happiness, happiness comes from these heart wrenching moments where your heart feels like it’s going to explode out of your chest. Feeling deeply is what makes life worth living, it reminds me that I am human and I am alive. My plan is to fill my life with as many things that matter as I possibly can and love without fear. I will no longer shelter my heart from the pain loving can create.

Knowing pain is a part of life does not make it any easier to bear. I dread the day I have to say goodbye to another loved one or pet. In the meantime I'll cherish every moment I'm given, life is precious.

To Charlie, a good dog and loyal companion, thank you for teaching me about unconditional love, and forcing me to revisit mortality. We miss you.

Grief

It comes in waves, tears swell like ocean waves tumbling up onto the beach and slowly slinking back

This process repeats, endlessly.

rising and falling

she keeps spinning

filled with life

But not yours.

The house is filled with overwhelming emptiness.

Small details, once

The click of paws on the floor

A tennis ball in the corner

I sit outside

Leaves rustle, ants crawl near my feet, birds fly overhead.

Every part of the world living and breathing

Rising and falling

Falling