Living With Schizoaffective Disorder

I never quite understood society and I probably never will. Human kind to me are inconsistent with their efforts and I can safely state that the majority of us lack on most parts any form of sustainable substance, which brings me to the detriment of my own unfulfilled simple existence.

Hi, I’m “Jhal du Paul” and I have Schizoaffective Disorder, which is Schizophrenia and Bipolar in one or so I’m told. I have lived with this major psychiatric disorder now for over 3 years. I was originally diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic since the age of 21. This diagnosis would be a massive blow to my once well formed and nourished ego, that is now just a memory, one which isn’t able to be existent again no matter how hard I try.

But instead of me trying to give you a scientific explanation behind my mental illness, which can be easily found on the internet with a quick and easy search via a search engine of your choice, I will start of by telling you first hand what it is like to have Schizoaffective Disorder and what comes with it. From severe psychotic episodes, imbalanced thought patterns, administrations of medications, numerous therapy sessions and just the discrimination experienced when I tell people I have mental illness, Schizoaffective Disorder isn’t to be taken lightly and from my experience I don’t wish this mental illness (when in full affect) upon my worse enemy.

Before anything else, can I thank you for reading so far these words I write for they are from a mad man, that mad man being me. Sad but true. I also thank you for fighting your fears by coming this far already and for hopefully controlling your potential judgemental sides to your own personality. By you reading my words I applaud you and bow to you humbly for there are not that many in this world such as brave as you are and furthermore generous because time is of the essence.

You’re probably wondering why I refer to myself as MAD? I came to terms with it a long time ago, all thanks to my beautiful mother, who allowed me to read the writings and teachings of my magnificent father, who wrote and I quote “Yes I am Mad for I am me and no other”. This saying alone would come to help save my life in my desperate times of need and it came from a man who travelled the world performing his Adagio Afro Cuban act (twice in front of Queen Elizabeth II) and who even studied all religions thoroughly. This one saying would help me accept the greatest confusion I had in life, which was how I viewed life and would turn out to be the key to understanding myself. But it must not be used to ones advantage or it will completely destroy your very essence at its core, or so I believe. I was very young to read the knowledge my father left behind and I today am extremely grateful on how my lovely mother guided me to understand my astounding father’s words by allowing me to read such personal information.

So, for me Schizoaffective Disorder came about with a long battle with Schizophrenia. It was all brought upon from, yes you guessed it, Drugs. But funnily enough it wasn’t just the drugs that gave me my mental illness, it was also horror movies sadly enough. How do I know? Well the only evidence I have that backs up my own self evaluations is when a psychotic episode occurs for myself it usually involves the intertwining’s of memories from particular horror movies.

Now, psychosis is said to be a distortion of reality but my recent psychologist has told me that psychosis is actually real for the one that is having the psychotic episode, so in mentioning that, psychosis is actually to me, like I always thought, a waking nightmare. An experience so real, yet so disturbing it is nearly impossible to come back from unless medicated or otherwise.

I am now on two antipsychotic medications to prevent me from slipping away into another psychotic episode again. One, which is injected in my arm monthly called Paliperidone and the other orally administered daily being Aripiprazole. I sometimes feel time is running out for me as there is only so much the mind can take and as I heard from the great movie the Godfather part 3, “when the mind suffers the body cries out”. So this is why I wanted to share with you the tragedy being my life. A life underestimated, overlooked and worse yet stricken with a illness called Schizoaffective Disorder. No matter what people tell you about Schizoaffective Disorder just know it is real and is a painful realisation to know one has it because what comes with it is not just the paranoia, voices and hallucinations but also depression and anxiety.

Supposedly the medications I’m on actually take on average 28.5 years off my life expectancy and plus I smoke cigarettes, which is very common for people with my mental illness. So I only have so many years to assist those to understand a little more about Schizoaffective Disorder.

I can not express how much I despise the saying “live life with no regrets”. It is a saying I can not agree with no matter how hard I try. Why? Because I regret everyday by allowing myself to be so impressionable back in my younger years when it came to drugs. If I had known what the outcome would have been before taking them then I like to believe I wouldn’t of taken the drugs I did and then I wouldn’t have turned out to be how I am today. So yes, I do regret on a daily basis many things I decided to do in the past and I have to live with the consequences of those choices. But I also like to think I believe in a universal forgiveness but it’s very difficult to forgive yourself when you live with a mental illness, which is probably one of the root causes to my mental illness. Even as I write these words my inner voice is questioning my worthiness within, as if why am I any more important or significant to be able to express these words so easily.

But anyway, some have said I am a genius. In my own right I am or I like to think I am, receiving joy from entertaining the idea of such a possibility but yet I am still only a grain of sand in the vast scheme of things. But, how? How can I be a genius when I have a mental illness? I guess it’s been referred to me as a strong possibility because I have composed over 1000 instrumentals of music, recorded over 300 songs and written several books of lyrical content whilst being mentally ill. In no way am I saying my mental illness is the reason for this creativity I’ve jotted, composed and recorded but I have heard creativity is on the borderline of madness, which is funny to say because as I write these words my beautiful mother is in hospital after having a operation to help her live her life more comfortably on a daily basis. The worry alone sends me to a mental state of madness and sadness. Guess that’s how I wrote this today, I’ve been triggered. I seem to always think the worst.

Life sucks and Schizoaffective Disorder tops the cake. My mum was my saviour when I was first diagnosed and still has been even though my mum battles her own health issues. I fear the days without her presence on this earth. They don’t make people like my mother anymore, one full of love, care, sympathy, empathy, an earth angel, if you will. When my mum dies, I’m sorry to say, this world will be a far lesser place without my mum being here. I fear the days I have no more mother on this earth for possibly my mental illness will worsen. Yet I don’t believe in prolonged suffering so I’ll also have a strong sense of peace once my mother’s demise arrives.

So what of Schizoaffective Disorder and how do I manage it? Firstly it’s managed by the medications mentioned beforehand and without those medications I’m a total lunatic, a very lost soul to say the least. When a psychotic episode occurs it’s extremely, for a better word, spiritual. It’s as if the all encompassing energy of negativity befalls upon me and all I know is mental torment, pain and suffering! It’s as if Satan itself comes to haunt me with every fear and every past mistake, accompanied by a glass of every teardrop of sadness I have ever cried to forcefully drink. I use the word Satan as it’s a common word used to describe negativity, that’s if you believe in that type of concept of evil. Now when I speak of evil I’m speaking of our ability to know what is morally wrong and since the age of reason being as said to be the age of 7, that’s when we have a choice, choosing to do what is wrong with great cause and a passionate cunningness or choosing to do what’s morally right for self and for others.

I don’t doubt children and I don’t think I ever will because I was once a child and I was far ahead of my time when being aware of what was right or wrong. Unfortunately I got lost and influenced along the way tremendously.

You wouldn’t believe it if I told you this (or maybe you would lol) but I’ve been institutionalised in a mental health hospital three times this year already, all because my medication ceased to do its magical works. I will tell you more about this with time to come. Welcome to my writings about my tragic life, which I sum up as a series of episodes called the “TALES OF PSYCHOSIS”. I hope dearly you can accompany me on this journey of self discovery, self expression and self acceptance as I share my experiences of my life, a life where i would be diagnosed mentally ill.