Living with Mental illness as a teen mom and the decisions i made.

Well, where to start? Hi, I'm MaKayla and i'm 22 years old with 2 sons. They are age 4 and 2. But before I get into all that lets go back to the beginning. Well not the very beginning because that is a lot to go through. Well go back to about age 11 when I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety and started getting treatment.

I was diagnosed when a teacher had caught me trying to hurt myself. I was in the back of the classroom and had a broken pen cap. It was sharp and I stabbed myself repeatedly in the wrist with it until my wrists bled. They sent me to the guidance counselor who then called my mom, They proceeded to put me into 2 different counseling agencies extensively. I was then put on prozac and buspirone to help me and become a "better person" as my mom put it. I had a lot of abandonment issues growing up because my grandma basically raised me. My dad left when I was young (about 2 years old) was in and out of my life because of the military. And well my mom, she was probably out getting high in all honesty.

from when I was 11 until I hit high school, i was judged, bullied and called freak etc. I was different and I had issues. From the time I was 11 until the time I turned 14 I had 17 suicide attempts and im not proud of that but I know that I overcome my battles. I could be judged and ridiculed but that was not going to stop me from living my life.

When I was 16 I met Alex and we started talking and hit it off. Mind you I was known for jumping boyfriends but with him It was different. We started dating on December 25th of 2015. and It was great for the first year. We had our first son on 4/6/2017 and it was wonderful we started making memories. I managed to graduate high school but it took a toll on me trying to raise a baby at 16 and graduating. I was off my meds and I made some oretty horrid mistakes. I had cheated on Alex. I didn't want to get help. I was in and out of therapy. I went back on my meds for a short period of time and I continued to make bad decision.

I had cheated on Alex multiple times and almost ruined our family at the same time. I stopped cheating when I found out i was pregnant in 2018 with my second son. We had him 4/11/2019 and things were great again. I went back on my meds and we were happy, until i stopped cold turkey. i was tired of feeling numb from them. I wanted to feel my emotions and needed to . Long story short my depression, anxiety bipolar disorder and abandonment issues made me run to other guys. I felt like Alex didnt love me the same anymore and I didn't want to talk to him about it because what if it was true and he left.

I begged and begged him to stay with me after cheating with multiple men and that was for our family. i do love him and if that makes me a narcissist then so be it because I love that man and everything he does for me and my kids and I am getting help now. Im going through extensive care with therapy back on my meds. He has access to my social media etc. I will do everything I need to, to show him that I love him. But the first step is fixing myself and my problems and admitting that I am a narcissist and I wish I wasn't but that's the truth. and the truth, is freeing.

Depression is a battle that is looked over on so many levels and I battled it to this day. And you can either over come it or let it drag you under and I let it drag me under. I am broken and I need fixed and the only person that can do that is myself. I want nothing more to feel whole again and happy. and maybe someday that can happen but it will take help and support,

please note im not here for judgement but to vent my feelings and life.