Living Through Psychopathy

How did I know I was being raised by a psychopath? I didn't. Growing up in that life, thinking it's normal, you don't realize the level of trauma you're actually enduring until you become an adult and see that next to no one else was raised in that manner.

I have decided to dedicate this page to stories of my past in hopes that someone else going through this will realize they are not alone and it can get better.

Now, I only have experience on living with a psychopathic mother, which tends to change things. Men suffering from psychopathy tend to be more physically harmful, however, that is not always the case. Growing up, my mother seemed like Super-Mom. We had extravagant birthday parties, spectacles were made for the public, and everything seemed perfect from the outside looking in. However, behind closed doors, life was a different story. Before my parents divorced, I had very few memories with my mom. She would often come home from work and close herself in a back room. She didn't like being bothered. So most of my time was spent alone in my room, with my dad, or playing outside.

While my parents were still together, life wasn't too bad because I still had my dad with me. However, at the age of 11, my parents filed for a divorce, and I was left to live with my mother. This is when everything started to get dark. My mother started dating men, specifically targeting men with large amounts of money, or who she thought had large amounts of money, as money is something that she sees as proving your worth in society. Her time was consumed by her new goal of socially advancing herself, and I was neglected severely. I would go days without eating and became extremely underweight. I could count every single rib just from looking in the mirror. The only time I could catch something of a break was at school, but even then it wasn't much. My teachers would become frustrated with me. I was late so often, I constantly had detention. I never had money for food. Half the time I wasn't bathed.

Aside from the neglect, my mother was physically harmful as well, and would tear my skin with her nails, slap me, hit me, kick me, and slam different objects into my head until I started to lose consciousness. After every beating, she never followed through with the empathetic stage that most abusers do, because she lacks the capability of being able to feel empathy for others. Most other abusers will have a period of remorse, and will apologize to their victims and even shower them with gifts, in an act known as trauma bonding. This never happened with my mother. To this day, she will say "well it was your fault because x, y, z." If you've never heard the saying, "Not every narcissist is a psychopath, but every psychopath is a narcissist," this is definitely the case with psychopathic parents. They will gas-light you and make you believe that you deserved every single beating, every single derogatory phrase they said to you, and every single toxic experience they made you endure.

As stated before, they love to shower you with gifts to the public. This helps them in their goal to reach a higher social status by seeming like the perfect parent. However, behind closed doors, they will return those expensive toys or clothes, or simply throw them in the trash. They don't do these "acts of kindness" to get on better terms with you, they do it to get on better terms with their peers. One of the saddest things about living with a psychopathic parent is that they never see you as another human being, and never think about your emotions or well-being. They only see their children as an extension of themselves, and as an object they can use to gain that higher social status they all crave.

In my future stories, I'll be explaining in detail different situations that have occurred and how, eventually, I have either dealt with it, or learned to come to terms with it. At this point in my life, I hold no resentment to my mother, as I believe she truly loved me to the best of her ability. I do, however, still understand that although I do wish her the best as a person and as my mother, that I cannot allow her in my life while I am still coping with the trauma she put me through.

For anyone currently living in this nightmare, please make use of the following resources, as they have helped me tremendously in the past:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-237-8255

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

In case of an emergency, call 9-1-1 or find the closest Safe Place to wait until help can arrive.