Living on the Borderline

Many believe that those with Borderline Personality Disorder are narcissistic individuals. This is simply untrue.

I started my journey into therapy many years ago. I have been through DBT, and have come out on the other side with not only a better understanding of myself, but also understanding others that struggle with life long disorders similar to mine.

The battles that are fought daily are FAR from understood by a large majority. Many that carry these disorders have no idea that they even exist, and unfortunately very few ever recieve the therapy that they need in order to help regulate and understand their emotions in a more in depth way.

If you have BPD, understand that you are not alone. If you know someone with BPD, understand that this person struggles in ways that a sound mind could never truly understand. If you just want to learn more about BPD or personality disorders in general please follow my articles for an in depth look into these disorders and they way they affect others and the people who have them.

This is my first article on Vocal. In many ways I am diving right in. I believe the world needs more people to speak out about the struggles of individuals with mental health problems and personality disorders. The more we understand, the more we can balance our lives in ways to love more and hate less.

This is a day in the mind of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder:

1. Constant overthinking and analyzation of every situation

2. Watching everyone’s body language constantly, looking for cues. Do they like me? Do they hate me?

3. Consistently thinking nobody likes me!

4. Self observation (I am working on attitude adjustment)

5. Asking for reassurance…. Do you think I am pretty? Do you love me? Do you hate me? Do you think so and so hates me? Etc…

6. Overthinking…. Does my SO want someone else? I think he does…. I should ask….

7. I’m bored

8. I’m not good enough

9. I’m a failure

10. Today is going to be a good day!!!!!

11. Hey! I’m happy today, this is so weird! Time to self sabotage….

12. Constant worry….. He’s bored of me, I just know it… Are you bored of me?

13. Devaluation….. I’m not feeling appreciated, let’s pick a fight and tell him I know how much he doesn’t appreciate me.

14. Nobody loves me….

15. I wonder if it would be easier to be dead….? No I shouldn’t think like that, remember therapy!

16. Hurricane of emotions on a constant basis.

17. Emotions rated on a scale of 1–10…. 20..?

18. Great I messed things up again…. What was his favorite food? I should make that for dinner…

19. Over analyzing…. Oh he’s 5 minutes late… I made him such a good dinner and he doesn’t appreciate what I do! Let’s argue about how much he doesn’t care about me.

20. I love him so much! He is such a perfect man! How can I sabotage this?

21. I always mess everything up… maybe I should leave.

22. He says he loves me… how could he possibly love me….?

23. I hate myself.

24. Maybe it would be easier to be dead. No I shouldn’t think like that, remember therapy!

25. Oh my gosh!!!!!! My life is so amazing!

26. Why do I exist?

27. Maybe some amazing sex will fix this ;)

28. I need to be working on my attitude, this isnt me…. Why am I like this.

29. I want to change….

30. How do I change?! I can’t change! Why do I try so hard. I’m not good at this.

31. I can do this…. No I can’t!

32. My life is so amazing.

33. I can’t do this!

34. I’m going to think positive today!

This constant emotional roller coaster 24/7 is the most draining thing anyone could possibly imagine. Yet few understand. This goes through my head… ALWAYS. I never have a break from my thoughts.

This disorder is mentally and physically draining. It is a constant battle with our black and white thinking. I call it a hurricane of emotions, because that is what it is. Even on good days.

I don’t try to be like this. I wish I wasn’t like this. It is who I am and I am still learning to accept it. I am self aware and have learned, and am still learning how to cope with and understand my emotions.

This does not make anyone with a cluster B disorder a bad person. People with BPD are clustered with narcissistic individuals, that does not make us narcissists. Most of us just want to be understood and loved.

Those with an undiagnosed disorder need help, not hate. If you know someone or have a loved one with a personality disorder, encourage them to get the help they need. Tell them you love them every day. Keep your boundaries firm.

Life with BPD is not easy.