Learning to Own My Decision

I resigned yesterday, and what I learnt when I handed in my resignation letter was this: people don’t like it when you don’t follow the rules. Granted this wasn’t universal. There were some people who applauded my bravery. Resigning from a job without another one lined up is a risk, and a number of people confided that they would love to do the same. But most people raised their eyebrows. It goes against the commonly held advice. It’s always easier to get a job when you already have one.

The thing is, I don’t want a job, at least not right now. I want to refocus. I want to spend time on my family. I want to spend time on myself. And while I have tried my best to do that while maintaining my current employment, I always end up falling short. It’s hard to focus on anything else when there is nothing left in the tank by the end of the day.

It has been almost three years since I returned to the workforce after having children. It wasn’t something I had planned to do yet, but when I was offered a part-time job while my youngest was in his final year of preschool, I felt I would be silly not to take it. After almost a decade at home with children any means of getting back into paid employment seems like an opportunity I couldn’t refuse. It was definitely the right decision for me at the time, and I will forever appreciate the people who put their faith in me and let me know that I was still employable after all those years. But it did sidetrack my plans. I had always thought when my youngest started school that I wouldn’t even think of returning to the workforce for at least 6-12 months. I would take some time to reflect and decide what I wanted to do with the next chapter of my life. As I was offered more and more hours over time, that dream of refocusing got pushed further and further into the background. Suddenly, that small part-time gig was my legitimate job, and I came to realise that it was no longer the right fit for me.

With the support of my husband and family, I am going to claim that time back for myself. I am going to take that time to recharge, to reflect, and to refocus. I have a good 25 years left of my working life, and I worry that if I look for another job now I will be back here in another three years wondering what happened.

The first challenge I’m facing is owning that decision. It has been two days since I resigned, and almost everyone who has found out has asked me where my new job is. There is no new job. This is so against the idea that most people seem to have about how your life is meant to go that I find myself on edge every time I have to tell another person that I’ve made the leap and am actively choosing to be unemployed. I have spent much of the last two days rehearsing statements to justify this decision to the wider world. I know this is my own problem, and that now that I have made this decision I have to own it with confidence. I’m sure this will come with time.

For now I’m trying to focus on what I want to do with the coming months. I plan to write. I plan to garden. I plan to paint my children’s bedrooms. I plan to take some online courses. I plan to hike. I plan to support my children who have both faced their own challenges in the past few years. I would like to explore options for some supplemental income to support my family, but what I definitely don’t want at this particular juncture in my life is a traditional job. There is more than one way to live a life, I plan to find mine.