It’s never your fault.

Sexual assault and abuse in family homes happens so much more often than you think. If you are currently or have been in that situation and have survived, I salute you. Today I want to share my story. It'll get confusing at times but in the end this is really just for the awareness that abusers are most likely people already in your life.

My biological family is hispanic. They come from 3rd world countries and aren't very educated but they came here seeking a better life. My dad is a baptist pastor and my mom cleans houses. My brother is into his two year prison sentence and gets out in a year. My brother has always been the golden child. No matter what he did, he was praise. I was the perfect child. I did everything as they wanted and has perfect grades but I was frowned upon. Anytime I was "disrespectful", I would be punished. Those punishments would be anything from being starved, beaten, or having to clean with toxic products. (I have passed out more than once from them) I was only ever saved when I went to my mom's employers house who are now my adoptive parents. I never told anybody about it cause I thought it was normal. As I got older, the punishments would be more severe and I would spend more time with my mom's employers. (At that point, I started to call them mom and papa) My mom's employers fell in love with me and would keep me in their house when my mom would go out to see if my dad was cheating on her. It could be anywhere from a day to a month. I had grown up with two families essentially. Each with different rules and different morals. I started to resent my bio parents when I got to 5th grade and became severely depressed. I had tried to kill myself 3 times and self harmed many times a day. I tried telling my parents but my dad just told me that I was an attention whore and that I had the devil inside of me. I talked to my not then adoptive parents and they were able to convince my parents that I needed therapy. I only went to two sessions because my parents threatened to take me away from them. When I turned 12, my brother started to rape me in the middle of the night. It went on for almost a year. Many people always asked me why I never said anything. Here's something that you have to understand: when the people who are supposed to love you hurt you, you find excuses to help cope with that. He made me bleed multiple times on end and when I finally told my not then adoptive parents, my bio parents said they knew he was doing it. That hurt the most. I adored my dad and brother and had always had a rocky relationship with my mother. My dad and my mom even told me that I should keep it in the family. (I'll do a story about the day that I finally got away from them because so much happened that day) I don't think they understood how he made me feel when he did the things he did to me. No matter what I was wearing, no matter how hard I wrapped my sheets. My underwear was always stained with blood in the end. I always had to wait till I could hear that he wasn't awake so that I could go to the bathroom and cry. It wasn't because I was bleeding but because I always cared for him. I still loved him and I felt like I needed to because he was family. When the trial began, my parents lost custody and my now adoptive parents had temporary guardianship. My dad and mom always defended him even when he admitted to it. One of the things that still haunts me is something that my dad said at a hearing, "If I had known that (brother's name) loved Jade this much,I would've married them." Hearing your father say that tears you apart inside knowing he would want to please his son rather than do the right thing. At night, I can't fall asleep without sound. If I do I end up getting a PTS attack. (Post traumatic stress attack) No single person blamed my brother for what he did. What they did do was talk about how he could've done it to anyone else cause of how handsome he is.

I go to therapy. I'm getting help and take medication. I go to a support group and have a good job and a good education. I never want to become the person my brother tried so hard to beat into submission. I rose from this and let myself learn from it and sometimes it gets hard thinking about it. I want my story to be a symbol of hope for those who feel trapped in the place where they are supposed to call home. I want this to be something greater than me because at the end of the day it is. There are so may other survivors out there and to those who succumbed to the pain of their past, we tell their stories and make sure it doesn't happen to any other woman or man. My story is so much longer and I want to share the rest of it with you. Never ever think that you are alone. You aren't. You will never be alone in this fight. It may feel like it at times but remember, this doesn't shape you and it never will. You are stronger than you will ever know.

If you ever feel like you can't, DM on twitter: @jade_mcw

US National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html for more numbers outside the US