Invisible Heartbreak

Our caregivers, whomever that happens to be for you, model the behavior that eventually becomes part of our regimen of thoughts, actions, reactions, and responses to both positive and negative events in our lives. It may be the people who conceived us, other family members, extended family, or a different adult or set of adults. The only consistency is we had no control over where we lived and what behaviors became part of our tapestry.

Everything from the foods we eat to the traditions we follow during any given celebration originates from the people of our past, creating our culture. The way they drive, their manners in public, their vernacular, the way they manage their emotions, and their viewpoints on the world are all things we adapt to as children. Often times we adapt to it so sincerely that we can't recognize the harm it's doing.

We learn patterns on how to observe, process, and react in all areas of our lives, including our public image and what happens behind closed doors. It's not incredibly difficult to recognize harmful domestic behavior patterns, and I have seen how they can be played out and passed from one generation to the next. Intimacy, menaing the factors relating to how we manage our behavior with intimate partners and the ones we love the most, are typically learned by observing how our caregivers manage their role with their intimate partner and close family members.

If we are lucky enough to be in an environment with positive physical affection, achievements are celebrated, and difficult discussions are approached calmly without being avoided, there's a good chance we view intimacy in a positive light.

On the contrary, if we grow up being told to avoid certain topics or know we can't ask about an event that happened, harboring secrets and feelings are invalided and met with the silent treatment, we were not given the opportunity to learn healthy emotional management. Being in an environment with verbal aggression, physical violence, passive-aggressive behaviors, or unfair, untruthful, or malicious treatment as a model is an indication we may be managing our caregiver's unresolved generational trauma. The behavior patterns are then taught and repeated, through no error of our own because we don't have the skills or knowledge to replace them with healthy ones.

As we begin our journey to navigate our adulthood in the great wide open, many of us are on the search for the perfect mate: the person who understands us and loves us for who we are without the desire to change anything about us. Someone who will respect our choices and needs, someone who will be willing and able to comfort us when we are sad, celebrate our victories, and support us when we need strength. Without the ability to recognize these behaviors in another, we may find ourselves in a loop of disappointing romantic encounters. There is no doubt this is going to affect our mental health.

Many of us seek therapy for guidance in navigating out of a chain of abusive or stagnant romantic relationships. To love and be loved is one of the most precious things we can have in our lives, and if we are never taught the skills to maintain a healthy romantic relationship, how are we supposed to know how to? When we start exploring where we learned these behaviors, generational trauma is often the thing that bubbles to the surface, and the road to recovery can begin.

Generational trauma is something that becomes understood and recognized out of necessity only to discover we need to dive in and learn how to fix it. It starts within, and then we must learn the skills to break the cycle and pass those healthy behaviors to the next generation.

As a therapist, I have seen the effects of generational trauma, and it's a difficult subject to approach. Since almost all healing is driven by personal motivation to change, we must first identify there is something to heal from. The problem with generational trauma is that it is part of our culture, and when it comes to culture, we need to look at our upbringing and actions with brand-new eyes.

Healing from generational trauma requires a massive amount of maturation and insight, and if we are the ones who were chosen to be the cycle breaker, it means seeing our caregivers and family members differently. When we begin our healing journey, there is a chance we will be greeted with rejection, denial, projection, and other defense mechanisms that play a part in creating the chain of trauma itself.

This involves the painful process of discovering the people who raised us have trauma they did not heal from, and essentially put us in the line of fire without knowing it. This is hard to hear, discover, and learn, and it is heartbreaking to admit and accept. It is also incredibly difficult to correct because without knowing what to do instead, we are thrown back into the unhealthy cycle. We must learn healthy behaviors to replace the toxic ones.

The ones in the family who see the pattern and take the initiative to create a healthier environment are the cycle breakers. Having the insight to break the cycle is one of the most difficult positions within a family, and may be one of the most difficult things we encounter in our lives. Healing from generational trauma has elements involving intense heartbreak, and accelerated growth. It means accepting not only the behaviors themselves but also the responsibility for changing the patterns, which involves a deep understanding that it wasn't their choice to learn the behaviors in the first place. This is what makes generational trauma an invisible heartbreak.

It is my belief we all have the inherent desire to spread positivity, and many times aggression, violence, sadness, and betrayal are learned reactions based on unresolved generational trauma we inherited from our caregivers. We all have the power to choose our own actions, and it is never too late to break the chain.