If They Wanted to... They Would.

I've had several people send me reels and articles surrounding this subject and I have been battling feelings of both pleasure and displeasure - feelings of adequacy and inadequacy. I wanted to talk about my own personal thoughts and feelings as a person who was in a committed relationship and also as someone who is single as well as answering from my friendship's perspective. And... not just about the men, but also about my job as a person: "if she wanted to, she would" has come across my radar as well.

To start off this article, I want to point out that there is so much out there that makes me feel sad for the men in my life.

"If he wanted to spend the weekend with you... he would." But, what if he works on the weekend? What if she works on the weekend? It isn't fair to put yourself in a place where you think that you are another person's whole world. Other people have lives too.

"If he wanted to take you out for dinner... he would." But, what if he is just as broke as you are? And then I saw a post that read: "If he can't plan a date, what makes you think that he can plan a future?" Since when are we treating relationships as more than intense friendships?! Especially without any type of commitment where you two are still just getting to know each other.

Ok, so let me get personal here.

I haven't let a man plan a date for me... and I have no plans to change that until a guy let's me know that he is romantically interested in more than just friendship. And I have to be at the point where I trust him to not disappear... which has proven to be a challenge in my life.

I will allow a man options: I have my kids and they will always come first as they are dependent on me. I will let the man know when I am free. I will let the man know which places that I am comfortable going to. I will initiate options if I like him and might be interested in him.

But, at the end of the day, I am the one who has to ensure proper child care for my littles. I am the one who has the responsibilities. I am the one who has to make sure that if I panic, I know where I am and where I can go for safety reasons. And, plenty of women agree with those points.

So, when you are just starting out, why not be casual?

Why ask a guy for more than you'd ask your girlfriend?

For an example, someone I know didn't text me back. However, they have a lot going on in their life and they were upfront about being not-very-good at communicating. I could be upset about it - especially with the whole "if they wanted to, they would" - or I could grow up and realize that they were upfront about their limitations. I am just as capable of reaching out as they are. And then I realized that maybe, just maybe, this whole concept if "they wanted to, they would" is actually kinda toxic in a way.

More people that I know should ask a slightly different question: "if you wanted them to, did you tell them?" and if so (like I did), are you mature enough to understand and regulate your own expectations to reality?

This same individual who forgot to text me, did something better than that though. Bad at communicating? I think not. They called me to talk for 20 minutes on their way to an obligation. They dislike phone calls intensely - yet have gone out of their way to have a number of phone calls with me.

This individual is not bad at communicating, in my opinion. But, if the message getting drilled into people's heads by social media is this whole "if they wanted to, they would," then it is no wonder that they feel as though they need to say that.

I know when I started noticing the trend, I felt inadequate.

• If I wanted to, I'd ask them out. But I am shy and not the most outgoing individual... makes it my challenge to solve, not their problem to read my mind.
• If I wanted to, I'd take my kids on a vacation. But, my budget is too tight... makes me a failure to provide enough for them, right? (Even though all of their needs come first...)
• If I wanted to, I would... xyz....

There are so many limitations on everyone that these generalized statements that go viral end up doing more harm than good at times.

It takes 2 people in a relationship. So, no, if he wanted to, he might not take you out. No, if she wanted to, she might not do your laundry for you. People are not mind readers. People need to know what you are comfortable with and how far they can take something.

And please... when you are just starting to date or talk to someone, don't expect he or she to do more than any new friendship or acquaintance. And for the people that really do need to hear it: don't you do more for them than any new friendship or acquaintance either!

If I want to go out with someone and get to know them better, then I need to tell them. If I want to be kissed, then I need to tell them. If I need held, then that is on me to communicate. And if I am feeling anxious and worried about whether a friend made it home, then I need to reach out.

This "if he or she wanted to, they would" is a great concept - after enough time to get to know you.

For example, one of my best friends has a kiddo near the age of my kiddos. She knows when to invite me places, she knows when I will panic because I don't want to turn her down and be that person, and she proceeds accordingly. She has known me for years now though. And I know now that she isn't going to take it personally when I am like... "ehhh... thanks but no thanks for that invitation." She is one of the people in my life that: "if she wanted to, she would."

However, if something changes... like I decided to expand my typical interests to include something that previously was off-limits? Then, it is on my to update her. *smile*

The point is: it doesn't matter if they wanted to until you communicate your interests to them.

And since so many of these ideas come partnered with games and subtle hints... JUST STOP IT!!! I am sure that I am not the only one who does not catch your hints. You want something, figure out how to directly ask for it - otherwise? It isn't "if they wanted to, they would"... it is "you didn't want it enough to communicate it and therefore, it isn't important enough to you."

Now, if you directly ask for it... and it doesn't happen, then... they don't want to and you need to accept it and move on with your life. *smile* But, they still might want to - they just might not be capable of doing that. And, that is okay. Not everyone will be able to do everything. If you can't live with their inabilities, then it is mutual inability.