I Would Never

Have you ever done something out of character? Something you never thought you would do? I don’t mean rock climbing or taking a cooking class. I mean done something so heinous you no longer recognize yourself. The devil staring back when you look in the mirror.

You don’t know what you’re capable of--at least I didn’t know. Before the Collapse, the Nazis were the measurement for evil. At the mention of the Holocaust, everyone plays the part of the hero in their fictional history:

“I would help.”

“I would save lives.”

“I could never just slaughter people like that.”

Yes...yes you could just slaughter people like that. You would do what you’re told. If you’re lucky, you do it because you fear what would happen to you if you didn’t. Or maybe it’s something scarier; maybe you’re not being forced, maybe...just maybe you volunteered for it. Maybe...just maybe...you enjoyed it.

We are all monsters--hell, life is hard enough that you need to be one, but there is virtue in possessing the capacity of monstrosity and not acting upon those urges.

When everything goes to hell and the economy crashes and people are shooting people in the street for a loaf of bread, the masses will clamber to anyone that shows the vauguest hint of an answer to the problem. From the ashes of the Collapse rose one unified nation--The State.

We are the State. Love the State. Adhere to the State.

I volunteered for my position. I was doing my part to keep the union together. I didn’t want to go back to the days of the Collapse and thought this would be the best way to do it. To do my small part to stop us from hemorrhaging on the inside.

I was a PAPO (Predictive Analytics Peace Officer). To crack down on crime the State wanted to completely rid society of any opportunity of it occurring as much as they possibly could. Using advanced AI and people’s identification, it would analyze habits, behavior, likelihood to offend, likelihood to reoffend, as well as other preventative measures.

How do you stop a crime from occuring? You stop the criminal.

I had been a PAPO for 10 years and always slept soundly. After all, I was doing what was right. Keeping would-be criminals off the streets.

I was riding my usual beat with my partner Ralph in the passenger seat. Heavy rain drenched everything, even making the dilapidated small houses look like soaked sponges. Rushing water flooded into storm drains. The last of the daylight slipping away.

“This place is depressing,” said Ralph. “Yeah, but it’s also a breeding ground for future crime. A lot of the low-life’s here are tomorrow’s burglars, murderers, and rapists,” I replied. Ralph nodded. He wasn’t a newbie, but I doubled his years on the force.

We rounded a corner in our cruiser when we saw a guy walking fast, head down, hands in his pockets away from us.

“Where is he going off to in such a hurry?”

“Good question. Scan him,” I said.

Ralph rotated the Crime Stopper on our dash and fixed the lens in the man’s direction. With the press of a button information flooded from the CS to our internal computer.

“Josiah Washington. 36. Married. Says here within the next 30 days he will commit an armed robbery at the gas station down the road.”

Before I could hit my lights, he ducked into a house at the end of the street. “Alright, call it in Ralph. We’re breaching. Get at least two other cars down here just in case.” Ralph nodded, and gave the call as I pulled up in front of the house. A dim light was visible through a curtained window.

We stepped out, unholstering our .40 caliber glocks and stacked on the door. With the 4th amendment being nullified by the State 20 years ago, we had every right to enter the home. If you’ve nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear right?

With a nod from Ralph, I booted the door sending wooden splinters across the threshold, the clang of busting metal rang loudly.

With weapons pointed we entered immediately to our left where there was a man and a woman in a bedroom, backdropped with a small lamp in the corner. Their startled faces had shown that we got the jump on them.

“Show me your hands!” They both raised them high. God they were so scared.

“What’s going on? What happened?”

“Josiah Washington, you are under arrest for the future crime of armed robbery.”

“Who?”

“No sudden moves,” Ralph ordered.

“We’ll be taking your wife in as well for questioning and possible aiding and abetting,” I proclaimed.

“Please. Please,” she begged hysterically, “You have the wrong people.”

“Officers, I can clear this up. I swear. Let me show you--”

The man reached behind his back.

Before Ralph could yell “Hands!” I squeezed my trigger without hesitation.

The small room amplified the sound. Ears ringing. All I could hear was my own rapid breathing. The bullet entered his sternum going through into the wall behind. Blood poured from the wound. He collapsed. He looked like someone had unplugged him.Very likely, his aorta was severed. The woman rushed to him screaming. She laid over him wailing, facing away from us.

“Step away! Step Away!”

“Let me see your hands!”

The woman whirled round and tried to yell something at us, but what it was we will never know as Ralph opened up on her. In response, I too fired several more shots. Her body jerked this way and that, and it was the last bullet, my bullet, at the base of the neck that stopped her from moving. Her body slumped over her husband’s. The room clouded with smoke. Ears still ringing. Sirens wailed in the distance.

Ralph advanced, weapon still aimed. Crouching down to see what was in the man’s hand,“Christ. It ain’t him.” Ralph yelled.

“What?”

“I said it ain’t him.” Ralph held up the man’s State ID card. Not Josiah Washington.

“Must have been a glitch.”

“Yea...a glitch,” I trailed off as a glint of light caught my attention near the woman’s body.

I walked forward, the gun held weakly in my hand, and stood over the couple. I saw a gold chain under her hand. I pulled the chain, hearing it scrape on the wooden floor.

A gold heart-shaped locket was revealed. It must have come off during the shooting. With a click it opened to the picture of an old woman. She was gray and aged, but there was a warmth in her smile.

It’s been five years since that night. Five years I’ve kept this locket of this old woman I don’t know. A spot of warmth found among a horrendous scene. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I’ve tried but can’t. I don’t know why. The thing couldn’t have weighed more than a couple ounces yet it feels so heavy. I put that heart-shaped locket around my neck. As I sit on this bridge, it still feels just as heavy. Looking past my dangling feet I see the watery abyss below.

I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. I don’t want to be this monster anymore. To think of all the damage I’ve done. Maybe this two-ton locket can be my atonement. The warmth of the women inside it waiting to receive me after I’ve made things right. It’s dark. It’s raining. Just like that night. The only difference is the cars rushing by behind me.

I can make it right. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry. Lead me locket. Lead me to forgiveness.